A Time of Peace

I logged in to check blogs today and was bombarded by good news.  A donor embryo match for one friend, a graduation to her OB for another.  And a long awaited transfer for a very special girl.  As I was reading all of the good news I felt so full of hope.  For these beautiful, strong women.  For myself.  I haven't had that feeling in quite a while.  2014 has been a rough one for me, but for many of my blog friends it's been the year they've been waiting for.  And while I've struggled with my faith, my hope, and my perseverance this year the success my friends have found continues to fill me.  Their strength motivates me to not give up.  And their grace makes me want to be a better person.  So thank you to all of the strong, amazing women of this community.  For being my strength and my hope when I couldn't find my own.  With the holidays quickly approaching (which we all know is NOT an easy time) I am surprised to find myself at peace with our situation.  No, 2014 was not our year.  But 2015 just might be.

Pain in the......

I'm going to take a moment to vent and be a whinny IVF patient.  I try so hard not to complain about this process that is giving me a chance to have a baby of my own when nature most likely wouldn't let that happen.  I feel bad complaining and being ungrateful for medicine and science that gives us a fighting chance.  And I know that FET cycles are not as intense as fresh IVF cycles.  I know all of this.  But some days you just gotta bitch.

My FET protocol was Lupron for supression with E2V (delestrogen) IM (inter muscular) injections every third day.  Now that we are getting closer to transfer I've started the dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots and we've increased the E2V.  I'm doing 2cc's (100mg) of PIO every night.  This.  Is.  A.  Lot.  More than I've ever done in the past.  In addition I'm doing .4ml's of E2V every third night.  Last night was a night I had to do both IM shots.  I'm not proud to say I didn't handle this well and basically cried through the whole thing.  My bottom hurts when I walk, hurts when I sit, hurts when simply standing.  In addition I've been battling a non stop headache since this weekend.  Please, don't get me wrong.  If it meant I get a baby I would do both shots every day for the rest of my life.  But man, is it hard sometimes.

Ok so that's enough of the whining and complaining.  That being said we are one day closer to transfer.  We are getting there - making progress.  And as my best friend told me this morning every shot is one step closer to transfer and giving Frosty a home.  I pray so hard that this works.  That this will be it for us.  However the road to bringing home a healthy baby is long and full of potholes.  I will be SO SO grateful IF we get a positive beta.  But I will be plagued with worry and fear waiting to see it increase.  I know I won't be able to stop thinking about what happened last time.  I can't even picture myself going in for the first ultrasound after experiencing it last time with no heartbeat.  The fear is like a living, breathing thing inside me.  Then I begin to play out "which is worse".  Is it worse to get a negative beta from the get go?  Or to become pregnant only to miscarry.  I'm not sure there's a right answer there.  Both are terrible, horrible.  I don't want to go through either option.  I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant and 9 months later bring home a healthy baby.  Which sometimes feels completely impossible.

But thanks to my support system I have faith.  I have people who are praying for us and helping me to be positive even when I feel hopeless.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I know it only takes one.  I have spent this week obsessing over some of your blogs where you transferred just 1 embryo and either have your sweet child home with you or are well in to your 2nd or 3rd trimester.  I envision that being us.  I hope.  I pray.  I do these stupid shots and take all of the meds and know that ultimately this is all in God's hands.  I trust in his plan for us even when I don't understand it.  I have FAITH.

The Never Ending Week

Happy Monday!
Well I survived Vegas and even managed to have some fun catching up with old friends.  I can't express to you how happy I was to get home to D and the puppy and my own bed.  I have not been sleeping well.  Which of course, worries me.  I'm not sure if it's the anxiety and worry or what.  Actually I know that's a big part of it.  But I just keep thinking if everything was fine I should be feeling exhausted.  Last night all I could think about as I laid in bed was our ultrasound on Friday.  Today I am 6 weeks 4 days.  On Friday I will be 7 weeks 1 day.  At the ultrasound we should be able to see the heartbeat (please God) and the yoke sac and I'm not really sure what else they will be looking for.  As I was traveling home on Friday I experienced some moderate cramping in my lower belly.  I would say I had a couple spells that lasted maybe 10 min or so?  I immediately started visiting the bathroom every 15 min. to check for bleeding but there was none.  I emailed Nurse Jenny and she told me that cramping is perfectly normal and it's my uterus stretching.  Then on Saturday I had some significant lower back pain.  Dr. Google tells me this is also normal.  My boobs are still sore.  Some days they hurt REALLY bad and others it's barely noticeable (which sends me running for the Crazy Train of course).  I haven't really had any morning sickness.  I do get a wave of nauseous here or there but it seems to pass as quickly as it shows up.  I find myself coming up with reasons for all of these symptoms.  It's the progesterone, it's my anxiety making me nauseous, something is wrong which is why I'm having pain and cramps.  Basically any excuse except things could possibly be going as they should.  That is just too hard for me to believe.

I just re-read this and I sound like a complete Debby Downer.  I do also have good days where I am positive everything is fine and so grateful/happy/excited about this pregnancy.  And I'm doing my best to hold on to that positivity.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to be our chance for a take home baby.  I already love this little one so much.  I know it might sound silly but I've already begun to think of us a "we".  In my mind I think "we need to run to the store after work"  or "we're hungry".  My best friend told me the other day when I was in a fit of panic that it doesn't matter how cautious I try to be or how much I protect my feelings.  That if something goes wrong I will be devastated.  So I might as well embrace the pregnancy instead of trying to hide from it.  I'm going to try and take her advice, though I know I will still have times where the fear and worry overcome me.

Cautiously Optimistic

I feel like this has been my mantra for this entire cycle.  Today I had beta number 3 and it came back at 177.  Which means it didn't quite quadruple in the 4 days (it actually tripled) but my doubling time is 59 hours which falls in the "normal" range of 31-72 hours.  My doctor said that he believes we may have had 2 implant, which is why we saw the big jump between beta 1 and 2, but only one is still growing.  Which is more than fine by us.  We are so grateful for that little one that is hanging on!

I asked if we need to set up a 4th beta since it didn't quadruple but Dr. H said that wasn't necessary and we'd just go ahead and schedule the ultrasound.  He said he was comfortable with the increase and felt everything was progressing as it should be.  So we scheduled our first ultrasound for March 14th.  Which means I have to wait 2 weeks and 3 days before I get confirmation that everything is in fact going okay.  That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.  But it is what it is.  So for now I am feeling cautiously optimistic.

At the ultrasound I'll technically be 7 weeks and 1 day, but since we seem to have a late implanter I'm not sure what that does to the timeline.  I'm assuming I'm be measuring a few days behind.  Which also makes things fuzzy on if we'll be able to see the heartbeat.  I just am praying so hard that this little one continues to grow and develop.

So while on one hand I am extremely grateful for the increase and that it falls into the "normal" range I definitely would be less worried and breathing easier if the number would have quadrupled.  Which leads me back to the title of this post.....cautiously optimistic.  

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  I believe that God is hearing us and is answering.  You are all helping to keep me sane through this process.  Here's to hoping these next 2 weeks go FAST.

Going for the "Gold"

I titled this blog post in the spirit of the Winter Olympics that D is currently obsessed with. I don't think we've watched anything else since they started. I'm secretly looking forward to being home alone tomorrow on modified bedrest and watching hours of HGTV. 

So after the phone call from the clinic this morning we headed in for transfer basically blind. We had no idea how many embryos we had left or their quality. The embryologist came in to see us as soon as we were settled in the room. As soon as she sat down she told us that we were in a much better situation than last time. Out of our 6 that fertilized normally we had 1 3 cell and 1 4 cell. On day 3 they should be between 7-10 cells. So those were more than a day behind and they would let them go to day 6 but felt pretty strongly they wouldn't catch up. Then we had a 12 cell embryo. She explained that this one was pretty "fast" and often times when they are that far ahead they can't "turn off" the dividing. Once again they will continue to monitor it but the odds aren't good. So that left us with 3. We had 2 7 cell embryos and 1 9 cell.  The 9 cell was our best one and had very very little fragmentation. One of the 7 cells also looked good with only a little fragmentation. The other 7 cell was graded a 3 which means it had more than 25% fragmentation which greatly decreases the chances of implantation. Based on this information they recommended we transfer all three. 

Honestly I was shocked at this suggestion. During our consult they made it really clear that it's very rare for them to transfer more than 2. We talked about how the embryos are thought to do better in groups. The embryologist basically explained it that the embryos "talk" to the uterus telling it that they are there so it can respond accordingly. So even if #3 isn't a strong contender it *could* be healthy enough to still "talk" to my uterus and help the other 2. 

D and I took a couple minutes to talk things over but we were on the same page. We understood that the chance of all 3 implanting was very very slim and instead of just letting that 1 die we felt better about using it to help its "siblings". If by some crazy miracle all three implant than we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I trust in Gods plan and am putting my faith in him. 

So all that being said the transfer itself went well. They said the embryos were placed right where they wanted them. So now we wait. My first Beta is scheduled for Feb 19th and my second for the 21st. Obviously this feels like forever. You know the drill. 

I'm trying not to think about the fact that we won't have any embryos to freeze. I'm not even going to let myself go there right now. I'm choosing to think we have none to freeze because this is going to work for us. (Please God). 

So my day on the couch continues. I'm trying to talk D into taking a break from the Olympics and watching a movie.  Is anyone else super confused by some of these events? (We just finished watching the one where they are skiing and then stop and shoot guns?!  What?) 

Thinking sticky thoughts and saying lots of prayers for our babies. To quote my girl Kasey I'm PUPO - Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise. Positivity people :)

Transfer Update

Well the clinic just called and said we are on for transfer today (Day 3). Which means we have less than 5 embryos left. Sigh. I knew statistically that the chances of all 6 making it were slim but you can't help but hope. The nurse didn't have any information on how many embryos remain or their quality. They will tell us that when we get there. So even though I'm feeling terrified and sick to my stomach I'm praying so hard that there are 4 good quality embryos still growing and dividing. I'm trying not to think about (and mourn) the 2 that we lost. I know they weren't meant to be. But they were me and D and it's still feels like a loss. 

So this is when I need to take a minute and pull it together. Give those doubts and fears to God and focus on being positive that this IS our time and WILL work for us. All we need is one and hope is never lost. 

If you have some extra prayers for our embabies please send them our way. I'll update after transfer. Thanks you for your love and support. 

All Your Eggs In One Basket

Someone mentioned the saying "Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Basket" today.  I accidentally snorted out loud.  I don't think any other phrase could better describe what we do with IVF.  I'm definitely feeling today that all my eggs are in 1 basket - that being the lab at my clinic.

We got the fertilization report today.  Out of our 12 eggs, 10 were mature, and 6 have currently fertilized normally.  Compared to the 1 we had left at this point last time that is a huge win.  They have tentatively set us up for a Day 3 transfer which would be Sunday morning.  They will check on the embryos again that morning and if 5 or 6 are still developing as they should be they will push us to Day 5 (Tuesday).  The statistics and odds are against that happening, but I am praying so hard for all 6 of our embryos.  And I'm so grateful for the improved results that we've seen this cycle so far!  I trust that God is watching over our little embabies and have faith that he will take care of them.  I can tell you that my load has been much lighter this cycle by making the conscience effort to turn my worries and fear over to Him.  Every time I start to to feel overwhelmed by all of the bad things that *could* happen I have stopped and given it all to Him.  For that relief alone I am so grateful.

One more milestone down.  Now it's praying praying praying that our babies are growing strong and getting ready for this next step.

Retrieval #2

Im blogging from my spot on the couch with the fire going and my 95lb fur baby keeping my feet warm. Retrieval this morning went well. Just so I don't keep you in suspense I'll get it out there. We got 12 eggs. Which is 4 more than last time. I am...happy with this. With 18 follicles on Monday I was hoping for a few more eggs. But I have to remind myself that my diagnosis is going to limit not only how many eggs We get but also the quality.  12 sounds really good until you start doing the math of how many will be mature, how many will fertilize, and how many will grow and develop normally. But those are all things out of my control. What I can control is taking care of my body and staying strong mentally and spiritually. So that's what I'll focus on right now. 

We got to the clinic today and they took me right back. I put my gown on and filled out all the paperwork and then Jenny came in to get my IV started. Everyone stopped by to say hello and check on us. Even Dr. H!  Then Brian the embryologist came and got Derek to go do his part. They were waiting on the anesthesiologist so the girls took turns keeping me company. D actually made it back before they took me to the OR. As he walked back in the room I loudly asked "What have you been doing?!"  Everyone got a good laugh out of that including D. He told the girls he may be getting a little TOO comfortable in that room. :)

Finally the anesthesiologist showed up and asked me a few questions and then we were ready to go. The girls took me back to the OR got me settled and then the next thing I knew I was feeling pretty woozy. I woke up in recovery and D was already back there with me. I immediately asked how many eggs they got and they told me 11. Then a couple minutes later Dr. H stuck his head in and told us there were actually 12. Evidently one was hiding. Whatever I'll take it!

We were out the door heading home 30 min later.  So now we wait (I wish I had a dollar for every time I said or wrote that !). They will call us tomorrow and let us know how our embryos are doing. I'm praying so hard that they will grow and develop. If we make it to 5 day transfer it will be Tues.  My clinic's policy is only to go to 5 day if there's 5 or more embryos growing and developing normally. That seems like a lot for me but I'm staying hopeful. 

Thank you so much for all of the kind words and support leading up to today. I'm so very grateful for our 12 eggs and am praying so hard for good quality healthy embabies. Try #2 here we go!

F is for Follistim

Happy Monday Everyone!  This COLD Midwest Monday brings the start of my stim drugs for IVF #2.  This new cycle has included a switch from Lupron to Ganirelix,  Delestrogen IM shots every third day and last night I started estrogen suppositories.  Tonight we add in 600 units of Follistim to hopefully help my follicles start to grow. (Has anyone else ever been on this high of a dose of Follistim??)   For those of you who are familiar with Follistim you know that it's administered in a pen and that the cartridge holds 450 units.  Which means for tonight and tomorrow I'll have to stick myself twice to get the complete dose.  Yuck.  Then on Wednesday we throw in the Menopur to hopefully help the eggs growing in the follicles mature.

I'm feeling pretty peaceful about things right now.  I'm hopeful and optimistic but I don't feel as if I'm over-obsessing about the entire process.  Although I haven't been able to completely keep my "crazy" in check (I definitely used an IVF calculator to see when my due date would be if this cycle works) I am focusing on turning it all over to God.  With our first cycle we got 8 eggs, only 5 of which were mature, and only 1 that fertilized normally.  I'm REALLY hoping for some better results this time around.  I'm REALLY hoping that we have 2 good quality embryos to transfer and some to freeze.  I'm REALLY hoping that this cycle results in a viable pregnancy.  I'm REALLY hoping this is all God's will.  Only time will tell.

So here's to this week FLYING by.  I'm looking forward to Superbowl Sunday and time with my family this weekend celebrating my youngest nephews birthday.  I'm looking forward to lots of snuggle time on the couch with D and the puppy (my self proclaimed Happy Place).  And taking one day at a time.

Happy Monday friends.

More Than You Can Bear

I'm not going to lie 2014 is NOT starting out to be a great year.  After suffering a BFN at the end of December my new year started with a drama filled New Year's Eve followed up with the loss of a close college friend much to young.  I have asked the question "Why" more times than I can count in the last couple of weeks.  Why didn't our embryo survive?  Why would God deny us of a baby?  Why would he take my friend from her children at such a young age?  While I'm not an overly religious person I do have what I've always thought of as deep faith.  I may not make it to church everyday but I've always felt comfortable with my relationship with God and strive to live a life that he would be proud of.  As we all know infertility is a huge test of faith.  The unfairness, the pain (both emotional and physically) and the uncertainly is a kind of torture that only those who have experienced it can really understand.  Lately, especially since our BFN, I've been struggling with my faith.  I'm angry that we've been cursed with this horrible circumstance.  I did EVERYTHING to ensure that our last IVF cycle would be a success and it wasn't.  None of it is in my control and I often find myself wondering what I did so wrong to deserve this and why it's happening to us.  We are good people.  We will be GREAT parents.  Why would God keep us from having a baby when there are so many born everyday that are unwanted, neglected, and taken for granted?

And then right when I was feeling like I had no one to turn to - especially not God as he obviously wasn't listening to me, I stumbled upon this article on Facebook.  This was exactly what I needed at that moment and I hope it will help others as they struggle through whatever battle they are facing.

http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/

Transfer Day - PUPO (please God)

Well much to my disbelief we made it through transfer and I am PUPO (that's pregnant until proven otherwise for those non bloggers). I feel like I've been waiting forever to say that :) When we started this cycle I remember thinking how terribly far away the actual transfer was IF we even made it to that point.  I am so grateful to report that our little one hung on and we were able to transfer a 8 cell embryo on Day 3. 

As I mentioned the clinic called the morning of transfer and asked us to come in early. We quickly finished getting ready and hit the road. We were both feeling nervous but excited with D really focusing on being positive. He's so great about that. Once we got there and signed in Jenny called us right back. She put us in the exam room with the fancy u/s machine and told us that Brian, the embryologist, would be in shortly to talk about our embryo. D loves Brian (as him and Dr. H are the only men in this joint) so it was nice to have the conversation with someone we are both comfortable with. Brian came bearing the first great gift of the day- a beautiful picture of our tiny embryo

Brian explained to us that on Day 3 they want to see it divided into 8 cells, which ours was (yeah!). He also explained they use a 3 level grading system based on fragmentation. Grade 1 would be no fragmentation. Grade 2 would be some and grade three lots of fragmentation. Ours was a grade 2 but he said it only had 20% fragmentation so it was on the high side for a 2. He confirmed several times it was a good quality embryo. I asked if he could tell us why the other eggs didn't fertilize. He did not have an explanation for us but did say he was very surprised by it. I decided not to push that issue at this time and just stay focused on our little one. 

So after Brian left (and we signed more consent forms) I striped from the waist down and then my sweet nurse Jo came in to get me ready. I had to drink a liter of water to fill my bladder because that helps to push your uterus down. Jo used an external ultrasound to check and make sure my bladder was full. Then Dr H. came in and using the vaginal u/s placed the catheter that would transport our embryo into my uterus. It was so cool to be able to see everything happening. Then Brian brought in the embryo (having us verbally confirm one last time who we were). Then Dr. H told us to watch the screen and we saw the embryo come out of the catheter to the exact spot he wanted it. I was completely unprepared for how emotional the experience would be. I couldn't help myself and whispered "Hold on tight little one" as I watched it happening. Me, D, and Nurse Jo all lost it at this point. Dr H told us this would be the first of many times we issue a similar prayer :) We waited for a few min to make sure it settled and then they took the catheter back to the lab to verify it was clear and the embryo was out. Dr H. patted my knee and shook D's hand and assured us he'd see us soon.  

We then waited 30 minutes, me snuggled in a warm blanket, with all the staff stopping in to check on us. Then I was able to get up and get dressed and pee. We left with our instructions for the next 12 days - PIO shots nightly, prenatals, steroids, and estrogen/progesterone suppositories starting the following night. Our first beta is scheduled for Dec 26 and our second for the 30th thanks to the weekend.  

I spent all day yesterday on the couch only getting up to pee. D took great care of me. However he needed to go to work today so my mom is coming to stay with me. I took today and tomorrow off work just to be safe since I had the time. 

So now begins the dreaded 2ww. I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. I just prayed so hard that our little one is continuing to grow.  I can't believe how much I already love this tiny little organism. I pray there's a way for it to know how badly we want him or her and how much we already love.