Fears

As I laid in bed wide awake at 3am this morning I couldn't block it out.  It's as if all of the doubts, the fears, the stress collides and it all hits me in a complete moment of panic.  What if this doesn't work?  What if I can't ever get pregnant?

Sometimes I just can't help myself from going down that path.  And even though I feel my marriage is strong, and has grown stronger because of our infertility, I also know that it hasn't escaped unscathed.  Infertility has a way of creeping into every aspect of your relationship.  You can say you won't let it affect your sex life - until the moment when you are thinking it's a "waste" since you aren't ovulating.  You can say you are going to enjoy the time you have just the two of you - until you can no longer find joy in the things you used to.  You can say there's no one to blame for the circumstances but deep down is that really true?  I know I blame myself and I know that affects our relationship.  I've talked before about how much I struggle with thoughts of this is NOT what D signed up for.  That he deserves better.  That I'm keeping him from becoming the one thing in this world that he's MEANT to be.  Then when I add to it the fact that we are not on the same page as far as adoption, that he's doesn't want to talk about surrogacy when we aren't there yet.  I wonder if we'll be able to survive what this could potentially do to us.  Could we live child free and be happy?  Would having each other be enough?  My heart says YES.  I love this man.  I know without a doubt that he loves me.  But late at night when the shear magnitude of our situation crowds my mind the fear creeps in.  Could we really be fulfilled and happy in a life without children?  I'm not sure.  It's not what we want, not what I've envisioned for us.  Multiple times a day a feel a stab of pain, or envy, or heartache due to the reminders that are everywhere.  Could we live the rest of our life battling that day in and day out?  How do you make it through that without breaking?

I pray with all of my heart, every day, that we won't have to face this nightmare of a reality that haunts me.  But the truth of the matter is that we very well just might have to.  Are we strong enough to make it through?  Is anyone?

Facing your Fears

Well today I'm heading back to my clinic for an ultrsaound.  I haven't gotten my period yet after the miscarriage and they want to check for cysts.  Honestly I can't get past the ultrasound part to even comprehend what it does mean if I have a cyst.  I'm assuming it will postpone our next cycle for the FET.  Which sucks, but like I said all I can think about is being back in that room and what happened last time I was there.  Logically I know there's many, many more ultrasounds in my future with IVF and hopefully someday another pregnancy.  So I need to face this fear and just get over it.  I just can't stop thinking about everything that happened last time I was there and all of the emotions seem to come right back.  But I'm ready to move forward and this is part of the process so I just need to suck it up and get it done. As we all know battling infertility has lots of dark moments and difficult situations so this is just another one that I'll face on our journey to a family.  I would do anything, absolutely anything, to make that happen.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and get this over with hopefully as quickly as possible.  I'm grateful, yet again, for the fantastic staff at my clinic who will be by my side and make this painful experience a little bit easier.  D is going to come too, even though he probably shouldn't take the time off of work.  I didn't even have to say anything he just knew how difficult this would be and told me he'd be there.  I feel very lucky and blessed that I don't have to travel this road alone.

There's a small stupid part of me that was hopeful that we'd conceive naturally during this cycle.  I know that our chances of this happening are so slim but I couldn't help but hope.  You hear all of the stories about how you are the most fertile after a miscarriage.  But I'm almost positive I didn't ovulate this cycle at all and even though my period is late I feel absolutely normal.  I've had no cramps, no sort of symptoms of any kind.  I couldn't bring myself to take a test and see another negative today.  So I'm just moving forward with our appointment today and I guess we'll know soon enough what's next.

Butterflies

Today I am 7 weeks.  Tomorrow we have our first ultrasound.  I'm not even sure how to put into words everything I'm feeling.  Part of me is bursting with excitement and joy at the thought of seeing our little one.  Another part of me is more scared than I've ever been in my entire life.  I have constant butterflies in my stomach that started last night.  If all is well tomorrow we will be more than 1/2 way through the first trimester.  Our baby should have a steady heartbeat.  Ears, eyes, nose, arm and leg buds developing.  It seems unreal.  I'm praying that it's not. 

The Never Ending Week

Happy Monday!
Well I survived Vegas and even managed to have some fun catching up with old friends.  I can't express to you how happy I was to get home to D and the puppy and my own bed.  I have not been sleeping well.  Which of course, worries me.  I'm not sure if it's the anxiety and worry or what.  Actually I know that's a big part of it.  But I just keep thinking if everything was fine I should be feeling exhausted.  Last night all I could think about as I laid in bed was our ultrasound on Friday.  Today I am 6 weeks 4 days.  On Friday I will be 7 weeks 1 day.  At the ultrasound we should be able to see the heartbeat (please God) and the yoke sac and I'm not really sure what else they will be looking for.  As I was traveling home on Friday I experienced some moderate cramping in my lower belly.  I would say I had a couple spells that lasted maybe 10 min or so?  I immediately started visiting the bathroom every 15 min. to check for bleeding but there was none.  I emailed Nurse Jenny and she told me that cramping is perfectly normal and it's my uterus stretching.  Then on Saturday I had some significant lower back pain.  Dr. Google tells me this is also normal.  My boobs are still sore.  Some days they hurt REALLY bad and others it's barely noticeable (which sends me running for the Crazy Train of course).  I haven't really had any morning sickness.  I do get a wave of nauseous here or there but it seems to pass as quickly as it shows up.  I find myself coming up with reasons for all of these symptoms.  It's the progesterone, it's my anxiety making me nauseous, something is wrong which is why I'm having pain and cramps.  Basically any excuse except things could possibly be going as they should.  That is just too hard for me to believe.

I just re-read this and I sound like a complete Debby Downer.  I do also have good days where I am positive everything is fine and so grateful/happy/excited about this pregnancy.  And I'm doing my best to hold on to that positivity.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to be our chance for a take home baby.  I already love this little one so much.  I know it might sound silly but I've already begun to think of us a "we".  In my mind I think "we need to run to the store after work"  or "we're hungry".  My best friend told me the other day when I was in a fit of panic that it doesn't matter how cautious I try to be or how much I protect my feelings.  That if something goes wrong I will be devastated.  So I might as well embrace the pregnancy instead of trying to hide from it.  I'm going to try and take her advice, though I know I will still have times where the fear and worry overcome me.

Vegas....baby?!

So I'm in Las Vegas this week for a HUGE convention for my job. I've worked for my company for 10 years and am very blessed to have a job that I love and to actually be using my college degree (marketing). Over the years I have formed so many amazing friendships with people who live all over the country and even the world. Most of them are in Vegas this week and while it's been awesome getting to see them and catch up it's also been a challenge. 

I am six weeks along today. Obviously we haven't told anyone except our immediate families and a handful of close friends who know we were in cycle. So you can imagine the challenge of meeting up with friends you haven't seen in forever. In Vegas. Where everything is on the company. In Vegas. Where I am not drinking. 

Please don't think I am complaining. I love a beer or a good glass of wine as much as the next girl but I am THRILLED to not be able to drink. But it's also WAY to early for 1/2 my company to know that we are pregnant.  So it's been...interesting to say the least trying to keep my secret. 

I'm feeling pretty good. It's just so hard. One minute I'm positive that everything is fine and the next I'm certain something has gone wrong. I worry if I have cramps and if I don't. Some times my boobs don't hurt at all and I get panicked. Then when they do hurt bad I blame it on the progesterone. I stayed out til midnight last night and then couldn't fall asleep because I was worried I should have been more tired. I definitely feel mentally exhausted from the internal struggle. 

But this week is almost over then I just have to survive next week until our first ultrasound. I'm terrified that there won be anything to see but also SO hopeful that by some miracle I am still pregnant and everything is going fine. I am praying constantly that's the case. 

One more Vegas night and this girl is heading home to my hubby and puppy. I can't wait.  

5 weeks

Well today I am five weeks.  It seems impossible that it's only been a week since we got our positive results. It feels like so much has changed.  While our little one is basically all I can think about I'm still having trouble fully believing.  It's funny how when I see a pregnant woman my initial reaction is still a kick to the gut, a stab in the heart.  It feels.....almost wrong to talk about the pregnancy.  I feel like a fraud.  I went to the dentist this week and had to tell them that I was pregnant so we couldn't do X-rays and I felt like such a fake.  My family is so happy and excited and it's almost as if I'm afraid to talk about it too much like that will make it go away.  I AM trying to focus on the positive and I am so very grateful.  But fear is a hard thing to over come.

Today I wrote this letter because I wanted to embrace the fact that this pregnancy IS real.  That there is a growing being inside of me made of myself and D.   If you aren't in a good place right now and dont' want to read this I completely understand.  I have been there all too recently.  Please, take care of you.



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Hello my love.  Today you are officially 5 weeks old, even though we know you are probably measuring a little behind that mark since you were what they call a “late implanter”.  We first found out that you were growing inside Mommy a week ago.  How our lives have changed!  You gave us quite a scare by coming in with some low Beta numbers, but then the numbers JUMPED for Beta 2 and continued to steadily increase for Beta 3.  The doctor doesn’t think we need to take any more blood tests so now we are (impatiently) waiting for our first sonogram on March 14^th.  Two whole weeks away which feels like forever to Mommy and Daddy.  Do you know that our whole world revolves around you, even though you are basically the size of a sesame seed?!  It sounds crazy I know, but we have prayed so hard for you and we already love you so much.  It’s still a little scary to look too far ahead into the future.  We try to just take things a day at a time and I start each day by praying for your.  I pray that God blesses you and holds you in his hands.  That he makes you strong and helps you continue to grow and develop into a beautiful, healthy baby.  I pray that God gives my body the strength and support that it needs to provide a good home for you.  And I dream.  I can’t help it, but I dream about what it will feel like to finally see your sweet face and hold you in my arms.  To see the look on Daddy’s face when he gets to meet you.  I know he will be so proud and utterly amazed.  I picture you nuzzled on the couch in between us, resting against Chloe.  She will be the best big “sister” anyone could ever ask for.  But it’s a long road until that time, so today I continue to pray.  To keep you in my every thought.  Hang on in there little one.  I know you are so strong to have made it this far.  That’s your Daddy coming out in you.  We are counting the days until we can see you for ourselves on that screen.

Counting the minutes....

Well I've almost made it through one more day. I was feeling pretty good about things all weekend but started getting really nervous again last night. I go for my third beta tomorrow morning at 8:15am so I should know something by noon tomorrow. I've just been praying so hard that my numbers continue to double.  One minute I have absolute faith that everything is going to be fine and the next I am in a complete panic. I have been trying to turn over all my fears and worries to God but it's just so hard. I just know too much. There are so many things that could go wrong. I wonder if I had strong first betas if I would worry less. I doubt I would. Right know I'm just praying that I get the chance to keep worrying and that this dream doesn't end before it really even gets started. My family and friends are comforted my the fact that the beta more than doubled after the first one. And by the fact that Dr. H said it was up to me if I wanted a third beta. But I've just read too many heartbreaking stories from other IF girls who have suffered early losses. Even though this pregnancy doesvt seem 100% real to me yet the thought of losing our little miracle seems completely unbearable. I am already stupidly so attached and so in love. This tiny little being has my whole heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do for it. I know that probably sounds over dramatic but it's how I feel. And once again here I sit with no control over what happens. All I can do is pray and hope for the best and try to stay positive. So that's what I'll do....

Holding on to Hope

It's been a rough couple of days as we've suffered some disappointments.  We had our retrieval on Thursday.  My ultrasound on Tuesday showed 10 follicles so I was hopeful for 10 eggs.  We arrived at the clinic for retrieval and as usual everyone was so great.  They took me back to the exam room and I changed into my gown and Nurse Jenny came in to explain the process and take my vitals and hook up the IV.  I met with the anesthesiologist and he explained that process.  As we waited on the doctor all of the staff stopped in to talk with us and say hello.  I really think we are their favorite patients :)  Then they called D to go do his part so we said goodbye.  Jenny stayed with me until it was time to take me to the OR.  Once we got in there everything happened pretty quick.  They injected the anesthesia into my IV and Jenny got me into position.  I remember telling her that I was already feeling foggy and then that's all I remember.  The next thing I knew I was waking up.  For whatever reason I was crying and asking for D.  They brought him back right away and then we waited for a few minutes until one of the nurses came in and told us they got 8 eggs.  I was a little disappointed but it was in line with my expectations so I felt good about it.  We were then sent home to wait until they called us on Friday with the fertilization report.  I didn't feel too bad leaving the clinic but was surprised at the amount of pain I was in Thurs. and Friday.  I took it easy and just kind of laid around all day.  We finally got the call around 1:30 on Friday and the news was very hard to swallow.  Out of the 8 eggs only 5 were mature.  And out of those only 1 fertilized normally.  Only 1.  I was so hoping to be able to transfer two and even have 1 or 2 to freeze.  That means if this doesn't work we have to start all over from square one.  Which is a devastating thought after everything we've been through the last 6 months.

I had myself a good cry and then decided that I wasn't going to give up on the 1 embryo we do have left.  I spent all of Friday and Sat. in a complete panic waiting for the clinic to call and tell me that the embryo had stopped dividing and growing and we were done.  Several times on Sat. I went to call the clinic to check but I was paralyzed with fear.  I finally determined that no news was good news and just chose to live in denial.  We were tentatively scheduled for transfer at 11:30 on Sunday (today).  This morning my phone rang and it was the clinic and my heart dropped.  However they informed me that they were bumping us up to 10:45am and we are on for the transfer!  I'm almost afraid to let the hope in that this might work but I know I have to be positive and have faith in our one little embryo that we have left.  I know all it takes is one.  I asked the nurse if it was still doing okay and she said that it must be if they are moving ahead with the transfer and we'll find out more from the doctor when we get there.

So here we are.  I am a hot mess of emotions......hope, joy, fear.  I know this is out of my control and all I can do is give everything I can to this one embryo with the hope that it is THE ONE.  Please keep D and I and our little one in your prayers.

Poking, Proding, Needles, and Bloating

Happy Wednesday!  This week is going unbelievably slow for me so I am extra happy to hit the halfway point.  We are 2 days into the stim meds and the Follistim shots are going well.  Due to the high dosage it takes D about 30 seconds to inject all of the medicine in.  It burns a little going in but I'm fine right after it's done.  Piece of cake.  I'm still feeling pretty good overall.  Yesterday I felt like I was feeling kind of full in the stomach area.  I'm not sure if it's just in my head or what.  It's so hard not to over analyse every feeling, tweak, imaginary symptom.  I just want so bad for this to be working and honestly there's no way to know until the ultrasound on Monday.  So more waiting.  I should be a professional by now but it's still so hard for me.

I feel like I'm having a lot of highs and lows lately, which can probably be attributed to the hormone cocktails I'm on.  One minute I feel so positive that this is going to work for us and the next I'm almost paralyzed with fear that it will be a complete failure and we'll learn that not even IVF can help us make a baby of our own.  I'm doing my best to block out the negative and the fear but I think it's probably healthy to acknowledge that it's there.  This morning as I brushed my teeth I prayed, yet again, for our family and success with this cycle.  I feel selfish asking God for so much when I'm already obviously blessed.  I feel like I can only ask for the process to work, like I"m not allowed to also ask for peace, strength, and hope.  But I know in order to keep my sanity those things are just as critical.  I try to look ahead and picture what life will be like in Jan. when this is behind us and we'll have an answer one way or another and I just can't see either outcome.  It's like I'm stuck in the present and the future is so unclear.  I know this is because I'm scared of failure and also scared to hope for the best.  So I guess I'll just try to focus on one day at a time and doing everything I can each day to make this baby a reality.