Thursday, March 19, 2015
As you've probably guessed from the title our beta this morning was negative. I just keep hearing the echoing of a door slamming in my head. There's no way to put my feelings into words. I'm angry. That comes to mind first. I'm heart broken, disappointed, and filled with doubt and loss of hope. I just can't understand why this is happening to us. And I'm terrified by what it means. Is there something majorly wrong that we are missing? I just kept apologizing to D over and over again. And he just keeps telling me I have nothing to be sorry for, but that's not true. I have everything to be sorry for. I know in my heart that neither one of us deserves this but him especially. And it shatters my already broken heart to pieces to know that he's in pain because of me, for me. I can't make sense of the fact that people have children every day that they don't want, don't spend time with, aren't dedicated to, complain about. I could go on and on. People live their lives every day taking for granted the one thing in the world I would do anything for. (as if I haven't already done enough). Three fresh IVF cycles, 5 transfers of 8 embryos. And nothing. Here we sit no closer to having a family of our own. Actually further than we've ever been. Part of me just feels numb. Like this can't be real. But it is of course. It's my life. I have to continue to live it no matter how badly I don't want to. What would I give to change this path we are on? Anything. Absolutely anything. I would give up D if it meant he could have a child of his own. If it would take the hurt out of his eyes. Instead we are doomed to continue to suffer. Through pregnancy announcements, baby showers, birth announcements, birthday parties. One tortuous event after another where we celebrate other people's happiness and pretend like everything is fine. But it's not fine. And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend that it is. The fact of the matter is I don't want to. I'm not fine. I'm broken. There's an ache inside me that is constant, burning, relentless. A physical pain that never lets me forget my emotional pain. When will it end?