Baby Mama

Last night as I was flipping through the channels (and avoiding The Bachelor because D and I watch it together and he had a school board meeting) I stumbled upon the movie Baby Mama.  You know this one - Tiny Fey tries to have a baby on her own only to find out she has a T shaped uterus so she opts to go the surrogacy route.  Amy Poehler becomes her surrogate which leads into a funny story line about a not so bright woman who is in it for the money and doesn't understand that you have to wait 2 weeks to test.  She tests immediately and it's negative.  She then sets out to pull a fast one on Tina Fey pretending she's pregnant so she can get the cash.  But then halfway through she finds out she really is pregnant and it might be Tina's or it may be her common law husband's.  Long story short the baby ends up NOT being Tina Fey's but she miraculous becomes pregnant on her own even though her RE gave her a 1 in a million odds.  

This is a movie I would have found hilarious 2 years ago.  Honestly even after all I've been through the past year and a half I still found it funny.  Which I guess is a tribute to how far I've come.  I think 6-9 months ago I would have burst into tears and completely lost my shit over this.  Today though I could appreciate the fact that the movie IS generating awareness of infertility and some of the struggles Tina was going through in the beginning of the movie before the surrogate entered the picture were pretty accurate.  However the one part that did bother me was her miraculous pregnancy.   This is only fueling the fire for those (uneducated) people out there who say all of those terrible things that make us want to poke our eyes out (just relax, take a vacation, maybe you should adopt then you'll get pregnant!).  Because in real life it just doesn't work that way.  Okay, once in a great while maybe.  And I'm all about the power of prayer and I do believe that God works miracles.  I know He does.  But with so many of us struggling to conceive we can't ALL be the one who miraculously gets pregnant.  Our miracles come in the forms of IUI, IVF, donor eggs and embryos, surrogates, and adoption matches.  There is no cure to infertility.  Nothing we can do that immediately equals our bodies healing themselves and poof - baby on board.  I know that some of us have been fighting this battle for YEARS.  And it's through blood, sweat, tears, pain, and heartache that we build our families.  And in a funny way even though I couldn't be closer to having a baby of my own I'm proud of the battles scars.  One day (I have to believe there WILL be a one day) I'll be a better parent.  One day I will teach my child about the extremes we went through to get him or her.  One day I will raise a person who won't be the one to ever make those comments that make us want to claw our eyes out.  I can't wait until that day.  

Butterflies

Today I am 7 weeks.  Tomorrow we have our first ultrasound.  I'm not even sure how to put into words everything I'm feeling.  Part of me is bursting with excitement and joy at the thought of seeing our little one.  Another part of me is more scared than I've ever been in my entire life.  I have constant butterflies in my stomach that started last night.  If all is well tomorrow we will be more than 1/2 way through the first trimester.  Our baby should have a steady heartbeat.  Ears, eyes, nose, arm and leg buds developing.  It seems unreal.  I'm praying that it's not. 

The Never Ending Week

Happy Monday!
Well I survived Vegas and even managed to have some fun catching up with old friends.  I can't express to you how happy I was to get home to D and the puppy and my own bed.  I have not been sleeping well.  Which of course, worries me.  I'm not sure if it's the anxiety and worry or what.  Actually I know that's a big part of it.  But I just keep thinking if everything was fine I should be feeling exhausted.  Last night all I could think about as I laid in bed was our ultrasound on Friday.  Today I am 6 weeks 4 days.  On Friday I will be 7 weeks 1 day.  At the ultrasound we should be able to see the heartbeat (please God) and the yoke sac and I'm not really sure what else they will be looking for.  As I was traveling home on Friday I experienced some moderate cramping in my lower belly.  I would say I had a couple spells that lasted maybe 10 min or so?  I immediately started visiting the bathroom every 15 min. to check for bleeding but there was none.  I emailed Nurse Jenny and she told me that cramping is perfectly normal and it's my uterus stretching.  Then on Saturday I had some significant lower back pain.  Dr. Google tells me this is also normal.  My boobs are still sore.  Some days they hurt REALLY bad and others it's barely noticeable (which sends me running for the Crazy Train of course).  I haven't really had any morning sickness.  I do get a wave of nauseous here or there but it seems to pass as quickly as it shows up.  I find myself coming up with reasons for all of these symptoms.  It's the progesterone, it's my anxiety making me nauseous, something is wrong which is why I'm having pain and cramps.  Basically any excuse except things could possibly be going as they should.  That is just too hard for me to believe.

I just re-read this and I sound like a complete Debby Downer.  I do also have good days where I am positive everything is fine and so grateful/happy/excited about this pregnancy.  And I'm doing my best to hold on to that positivity.  I'm so hopeful that this is going to be our chance for a take home baby.  I already love this little one so much.  I know it might sound silly but I've already begun to think of us a "we".  In my mind I think "we need to run to the store after work"  or "we're hungry".  My best friend told me the other day when I was in a fit of panic that it doesn't matter how cautious I try to be or how much I protect my feelings.  That if something goes wrong I will be devastated.  So I might as well embrace the pregnancy instead of trying to hide from it.  I'm going to try and take her advice, though I know I will still have times where the fear and worry overcome me.

Counting the minutes....

Well I've almost made it through one more day. I was feeling pretty good about things all weekend but started getting really nervous again last night. I go for my third beta tomorrow morning at 8:15am so I should know something by noon tomorrow. I've just been praying so hard that my numbers continue to double.  One minute I have absolute faith that everything is going to be fine and the next I am in a complete panic. I have been trying to turn over all my fears and worries to God but it's just so hard. I just know too much. There are so many things that could go wrong. I wonder if I had strong first betas if I would worry less. I doubt I would. Right know I'm just praying that I get the chance to keep worrying and that this dream doesn't end before it really even gets started. My family and friends are comforted my the fact that the beta more than doubled after the first one. And by the fact that Dr. H said it was up to me if I wanted a third beta. But I've just read too many heartbreaking stories from other IF girls who have suffered early losses. Even though this pregnancy doesvt seem 100% real to me yet the thought of losing our little miracle seems completely unbearable. I am already stupidly so attached and so in love. This tiny little being has my whole heart and there's nothing I wouldn't do for it. I know that probably sounds over dramatic but it's how I feel. And once again here I sit with no control over what happens. All I can do is pray and hope for the best and try to stay positive. So that's what I'll do....