Torture

This is my fifth embryo transfer.  I'm not exactly what you would call a newbie. Having been through it 4 other times I was fully aware how awful the wait until beta would be. You'd think it would get easier or I'd be more prepared. But that's not the case. It seems this has been the hardest of the 2ww's for me.

I'll back up to transfer since I never posted about that. It went as well as we could have hoped for.  My lining looked great and my bladder was perfectly full. My clinic is using some new catheters for transfers and it was a straight shot that resulted in perfect placement according to my RE. I laid flat for 20 min afterwards and then D and I headed home. Our transfer wasn't until almost 3pm in the afternoon. Once we finally got home I was feeling pretty sleepy from the Valium and slept for basically the rest of the day and night. 

I stayed home from work the next day and spent it in bed just watching movies and relaxing. I got up to make my meals and go to the bathroom but that was it. I finally showered around dinner time after it had been 24 hours since transfer.  The next day I worked from home relaxing on the couch. I did have an acupuncture appointment as well and then ran a few errands before coming home and spending the night watching movies with D. The rest of the weekend I resumed normal activities except for working out. I did go on a couple short walks. 

That being said mentally I'm suffering. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but it is just so hard. I've had cramping basically every day after transfer day. I'm currently 4dp5dt so the embryo(s) should have implanted by now if they were going to.  I've had no sign of implantation bleeding (I did have this with my early miscarriage pregnancy). I've felt a little nauseous but with it being so early I think it's safe to say that's nerves. My boobs are bigger and I've been having a tingly feeling but they aren't painful and with the amount of progesterone I'm pumping in me that can be accounted for. 

I had a mini breakdown today to D where I just couldn't stop crying.  I broke down and consulted Dr Google and was actually comforted by reading other girls who had lots of cramping and got BFP. I've also been bloated and gassy but I know that's a side effect of the progesterone too. 

So that's where I am.  I'm driving myself crazy, and filled with worry but trying really hard to stay positive. My bets is 8 days after 5 day transfer which seems REALLY soon.  Especially since our transfer was late afternoon and my beta will be first thing that morning. I'm not going to test at home obviously since the beta is so early. If by some miracle I get a positive I thought I might test over the weekend as I wait for beta 2 just to hopefully ease my worries of it increasing. 

Here's the thoughts I keep repeating to myself when I'm overwhelmed with doubt. 

1. We transferred 2 day 5 blasts that were genetically normal on day 3 and continued to grow. Although after talking to CCRM about the day 3 testing I know it can damage the embryos. The fact that these two made it to blast is a good sign they weren't damaged. 

2.  We completed the 2 months of Lupron depot and I had 2 fibroids removed via my hysteroscopy. Technically my uterus *should* be in the best condition that it's ever been. 

3. I added acupuncture, supplements, and tried to eat as clean as possible. I cut alcohol and caffeine over a month prior to transfer. I've taken my meds religiously and haven't messed up adose or forgotten anything. I feel like I did everything I could to ensure success. 

Now all there is left to do is wait and pray. 

Am I or Aren't I?

Oh the two week wait.  What can I say about it that hasn't been said before?  Not much.  It's a rare form of torture for all women, but those who have invested so much - money, sweat, blood, tears (did I mention money?!) into fertility treatments there's SO much riding on those few days.  My heart breaks for those women who know this is their last cycle.  I can't imagine all of the additional emotions those circumstances drum up.  I'm so very thankful to know that we have 2 frozen embryos in the bank.  However, that doesn't stop the yearning for this cycle to be successful.  It doesn't take away the ache in my heart or the emptiness in my arms. And it certainly doesn't guarantee us a take home baby of our own.

It's amazing to me that one event (IVF) can create such a conflicting, confusing mass of emotions.  Each day I'm filled equally with excitement and hope, fear and despair, worry and peace.  But really when you think about it what other event has stakes this high?  Yes, planning a wedding can be exciting and stressful.  But the outcome is known regardless of what happens during the planning.  At the end of the allotted time, ready or not, there will be a wedding.  The same could be said for a career change or even the loss of a job.  Although stressful, if persistent you WILL eventually find another job.  It might not be your dream job, or you may have to take a pay cut but I truly believe if you try hard enough you can find employment.  Infertility doesn't care how hard you "try".  You can put tens of thousands of dollars towards treatment, have the very best doctors and labs, the very best quality embryos, but there's no guarantee.  At the end of the road the outcome is unknown and uncontrollable.  We've always been taught that if you work hard enough, want something bad enough, and never give up it will happen.  But I know in my heart I couldn't want this any more, couldn't "try" any harder, and that I've done everything in my power to succeed and still - no guarantee.

Today I am 7dp5dt.  I've had some cramping, which we all know could be good or could be bad.  My boobs are bigger and sore, but that could easily be from the progesterone.  That's about all I have going on.  According to Dr. Google implantation should be complete and HCG should start to enter the blood stream.  Every time I feel the doubt or worry overwhelming me I'm trying to stop and pray.  But right now and for the next 2 days there's absolutely no way to know what's happened to our little one.  So one's left wonder Am I or Aren't I?  I am praying with everything I have that I AM.

Are you there?

This morning as I kissed my husband goodbye I told him that I loved him and if Frosty was still in there he loved him too.  This 2ww is passing - we are over the halfway mark - and I guess I'm surviving.  I haven't been in the best of moods but I don't feel like I've given up hope either.  All I really feel like is a crazy person.  On one hand I have what I think of as "hopeful" symptoms and on the other it seems the symptoms I do have could just be chalked up to the drugs and what I'm lacking is a tell tale sign that this transfer was not successful.  All of the over-thinking, analyzing, and ups and downs are enough to drive the most stable person crazy.  But I'm holding on.

I definitely had some cramping during the implantation time - but no implantation bleeding (I did notice this with my last transfer that ended in an early miscarriage).  I now have more of what I'd call a "heavy" feeling in my lower pelvic area.  I'm having some lower back pain and just yesterday I felt like I got lightheaded and/or nauseous a couple times.  However the thing that's really throwing me off is my boobs are not sore whatsoever.  Which is crazy considering the amount of progesterone I'm on, and seems like a dead giveaway to me that this did not work.  Yesterday I did feel like *maybe* my nipples were a little more sensitive but honestly all of this could just be straight up in my head.

For those of you who have been through this I know you understand what a complete mind f*ck this all is (Sorry for the language Mom).  By Beta time I am just ready to KNOW, even if the news is bad.  I can't stand the waiting and wondering any longer.  Just a few more days.  I've been thinking about testing at home just so I can be more prepared.  As of right now my plan is to test at home the morning before beta.  I mean the worse that can happen is I'm bummed out and it turns out to be positive which would be the best news ever.  Right now I"m totally in the zone where some people get positives and some get negatives only to get a positive HPT within the next couple days.  I really don't need to add to my insanity so I'm staying away from that.

So to quote my friend Amanda - Ever Onward.  One way or another we'll have some answers in a few days.  If you are in there little one I hope you can feel how much we love you, how badly we want this.  I'm praying for you every day and you are in my mind and heart.

3dp3dt and OHSS?

Well I'm three days in to the 2ww and feeling pretty miserable.  I think I have a mild case of OHSS.  I still am feeling really "full".  Just as much as I was before retrieval.  I've had some shortness of breath and abdominal pain.  I'm up almost 4 lbs.  I've been pushing the Gatorade and trying to eat salty foods (this is harder than it sounds!) per Nurse Jenny's instructions.  Obviously if this cycle works the discomfort will all be worth it.

Hopefully today my little embryos are blastocysts and tomorrow they will start attaching to my uterus!  Come on little ones!!  I am praying so hard for all three of you.

I also need to follow up with the clinic to check on the remaining embryos.  I know the chances of any of them being frozen was very slim.  But I'd like to know for certain what happened to each of the other three.

In the meantime there's not much to do but try and avoid getting aboard the Crazy Train.  Last cycle I did pretty well until about day 6.  Let's hope I can make it longer this time because that isn't good for anyone (especially my poor husband).  As of right now I have decided not to test and I'm going to follow my clinic's recommendation of not getting results until the 2nd Beta.  There's been so many of my blog friends lately that had a positive 1st Beta that then decreased by their 2nd.  I'm beginning to understand a little bit more why it's my clinic's policy to wait until the 2nd Beta to tell you the results.  My first one is scheduled for a week from today and the second is the Friday after.  We'll see if I can resist the urge to POAS.....

Three days down.........

Going for the "Gold"

I titled this blog post in the spirit of the Winter Olympics that D is currently obsessed with. I don't think we've watched anything else since they started. I'm secretly looking forward to being home alone tomorrow on modified bedrest and watching hours of HGTV. 

So after the phone call from the clinic this morning we headed in for transfer basically blind. We had no idea how many embryos we had left or their quality. The embryologist came in to see us as soon as we were settled in the room. As soon as she sat down she told us that we were in a much better situation than last time. Out of our 6 that fertilized normally we had 1 3 cell and 1 4 cell. On day 3 they should be between 7-10 cells. So those were more than a day behind and they would let them go to day 6 but felt pretty strongly they wouldn't catch up. Then we had a 12 cell embryo. She explained that this one was pretty "fast" and often times when they are that far ahead they can't "turn off" the dividing. Once again they will continue to monitor it but the odds aren't good. So that left us with 3. We had 2 7 cell embryos and 1 9 cell.  The 9 cell was our best one and had very very little fragmentation. One of the 7 cells also looked good with only a little fragmentation. The other 7 cell was graded a 3 which means it had more than 25% fragmentation which greatly decreases the chances of implantation. Based on this information they recommended we transfer all three. 

Honestly I was shocked at this suggestion. During our consult they made it really clear that it's very rare for them to transfer more than 2. We talked about how the embryos are thought to do better in groups. The embryologist basically explained it that the embryos "talk" to the uterus telling it that they are there so it can respond accordingly. So even if #3 isn't a strong contender it *could* be healthy enough to still "talk" to my uterus and help the other 2. 

D and I took a couple minutes to talk things over but we were on the same page. We understood that the chance of all 3 implanting was very very slim and instead of just letting that 1 die we felt better about using it to help its "siblings". If by some crazy miracle all three implant than we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I trust in Gods plan and am putting my faith in him. 

So all that being said the transfer itself went well. They said the embryos were placed right where they wanted them. So now we wait. My first Beta is scheduled for Feb 19th and my second for the 21st. Obviously this feels like forever. You know the drill. 

I'm trying not to think about the fact that we won't have any embryos to freeze. I'm not even going to let myself go there right now. I'm choosing to think we have none to freeze because this is going to work for us. (Please God). 

So my day on the couch continues. I'm trying to talk D into taking a break from the Olympics and watching a movie.  Is anyone else super confused by some of these events? (We just finished watching the one where they are skiing and then stop and shoot guns?!  What?) 

Thinking sticky thoughts and saying lots of prayers for our babies. To quote my girl Kasey I'm PUPO - Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise. Positivity people :)