Cautiously Optimistic

I feel like this has been my mantra for this entire cycle.  Today I had beta number 3 and it came back at 177.  Which means it didn't quite quadruple in the 4 days (it actually tripled) but my doubling time is 59 hours which falls in the "normal" range of 31-72 hours.  My doctor said that he believes we may have had 2 implant, which is why we saw the big jump between beta 1 and 2, but only one is still growing.  Which is more than fine by us.  We are so grateful for that little one that is hanging on!

I asked if we need to set up a 4th beta since it didn't quadruple but Dr. H said that wasn't necessary and we'd just go ahead and schedule the ultrasound.  He said he was comfortable with the increase and felt everything was progressing as it should be.  So we scheduled our first ultrasound for March 14th.  Which means I have to wait 2 weeks and 3 days before I get confirmation that everything is in fact going okay.  That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.  But it is what it is.  So for now I am feeling cautiously optimistic.

At the ultrasound I'll technically be 7 weeks and 1 day, but since we seem to have a late implanter I'm not sure what that does to the timeline.  I'm assuming I'm be measuring a few days behind.  Which also makes things fuzzy on if we'll be able to see the heartbeat.  I just am praying so hard that this little one continues to grow and develop.

So while on one hand I am extremely grateful for the increase and that it falls into the "normal" range I definitely would be less worried and breathing easier if the number would have quadrupled.  Which leads me back to the title of this post.....cautiously optimistic.  

Thank you all so much for your prayers and support.  I believe that God is hearing us and is answering.  You are all helping to keep me sane through this process.  Here's to hoping these next 2 weeks go FAST.

To test or not to test.......

Okay, so the Crazy Train is off the rails today.  I am literally sick to my stomach with anxiety and worry over my first Beta tomorrow.  I have really started to feel like maybe I should just take a test so I can be prepared.  I think I've told you guys before that my clinic typically doesn't give results until after the 2nd Beta which for me would be on Friday.  But since me and Nurse Jenny are long lost best friends she said she would call me with the results of my first one tomorrow.  So I'm sure I'll be at work when I get that phone call.  D does not want us to test at home because the clinic told us that HPT's aren't always accurate.  So for him it's just cut and dry - we wait.  But it's completely driving me insane.

Help! Did you all test at home before your Betas?  I'm 9dp3dt today.  I think from what I've read your beta has to be 40 for a regular test to detect it and 25 for a FRT?  Is that right?

All Aboard!

Well we are 8dp3dt.  So I made it a couple days longer than last cycle before I chased down the Crazy Train and jumped on.  Yesterday I woke up and my OHSS was significantly better.  This morning I'm down 4 of the almost 7 lbs I gained.  So great news right?  WRONG.  I'm now convinced that since my symptoms have improved none of the embryos implanted and this cycle is another failure.  Technically I think I could start testing from home today and get a postivie result (if there was one to see).  So of course I'm fighting that battle as well.  I really want to wait for my Beta but then on the other hand I know I'll be getting the call at work and it's not like I really need to have another emotional breakdown in the office.  I've done such a good job of staying postive this cycle and I really was convinced it worked.  Now my feelings have completey flip flopped.  The 2ww is seriously one of the most awful forms of torture a woman can go through.

I really don't have any symptoms.  My boobs are a little sore but nothing major.  I'm still have some very mild cramping or "pulling" sensensation.  Sometimes I think I am feeling like I'm going to start my period.  Oh I did notice a teeny tiny amount of spotting on Day 5 after 3 day transfer which *should* have been when the embryos were implanting.  However if I wasn't a crazy toliet paper nazi I wouldn't have even noticed since it was so barely visable.

Really that is about all.  I have been super tired lately because I've been battling a cold but last night I stayed up until almost 10pm so I can't even say that might be a symptom.  So I guess I'll just be riding around in circles on this train until I get my beta results.  I'm still not letting myself think ahead to what happens if this cycle fails.  I'm trying desperately to hold on to some of the positivity I've been feeling up until now which is difficlut when the train is speeding down the tracks out of control.

3dp3dt and OHSS?

Well I'm three days in to the 2ww and feeling pretty miserable.  I think I have a mild case of OHSS.  I still am feeling really "full".  Just as much as I was before retrieval.  I've had some shortness of breath and abdominal pain.  I'm up almost 4 lbs.  I've been pushing the Gatorade and trying to eat salty foods (this is harder than it sounds!) per Nurse Jenny's instructions.  Obviously if this cycle works the discomfort will all be worth it.

Hopefully today my little embryos are blastocysts and tomorrow they will start attaching to my uterus!  Come on little ones!!  I am praying so hard for all three of you.

I also need to follow up with the clinic to check on the remaining embryos.  I know the chances of any of them being frozen was very slim.  But I'd like to know for certain what happened to each of the other three.

In the meantime there's not much to do but try and avoid getting aboard the Crazy Train.  Last cycle I did pretty well until about day 6.  Let's hope I can make it longer this time because that isn't good for anyone (especially my poor husband).  As of right now I have decided not to test and I'm going to follow my clinic's recommendation of not getting results until the 2nd Beta.  There's been so many of my blog friends lately that had a positive 1st Beta that then decreased by their 2nd.  I'm beginning to understand a little bit more why it's my clinic's policy to wait until the 2nd Beta to tell you the results.  My first one is scheduled for a week from today and the second is the Friday after.  We'll see if I can resist the urge to POAS.....

Three days down.........

Retrieval #2

Im blogging from my spot on the couch with the fire going and my 95lb fur baby keeping my feet warm. Retrieval this morning went well. Just so I don't keep you in suspense I'll get it out there. We got 12 eggs. Which is 4 more than last time. I am...happy with this. With 18 follicles on Monday I was hoping for a few more eggs. But I have to remind myself that my diagnosis is going to limit not only how many eggs We get but also the quality.  12 sounds really good until you start doing the math of how many will be mature, how many will fertilize, and how many will grow and develop normally. But those are all things out of my control. What I can control is taking care of my body and staying strong mentally and spiritually. So that's what I'll focus on right now. 

We got to the clinic today and they took me right back. I put my gown on and filled out all the paperwork and then Jenny came in to get my IV started. Everyone stopped by to say hello and check on us. Even Dr. H!  Then Brian the embryologist came and got Derek to go do his part. They were waiting on the anesthesiologist so the girls took turns keeping me company. D actually made it back before they took me to the OR. As he walked back in the room I loudly asked "What have you been doing?!"  Everyone got a good laugh out of that including D. He told the girls he may be getting a little TOO comfortable in that room. :)

Finally the anesthesiologist showed up and asked me a few questions and then we were ready to go. The girls took me back to the OR got me settled and then the next thing I knew I was feeling pretty woozy. I woke up in recovery and D was already back there with me. I immediately asked how many eggs they got and they told me 11. Then a couple minutes later Dr. H stuck his head in and told us there were actually 12. Evidently one was hiding. Whatever I'll take it!

We were out the door heading home 30 min later.  So now we wait (I wish I had a dollar for every time I said or wrote that !). They will call us tomorrow and let us know how our embryos are doing. I'm praying so hard that they will grow and develop. If we make it to 5 day transfer it will be Tues.  My clinic's policy is only to go to 5 day if there's 5 or more embryos growing and developing normally. That seems like a lot for me but I'm staying hopeful. 

Thank you so much for all of the kind words and support leading up to today. I'm so very grateful for our 12 eggs and am praying so hard for good quality healthy embabies. Try #2 here we go!

IVF Cycle 2 Calendar

Here we go again.......

So as I mentioned in one of my previous posts while preparing for our first IVF cycle I knew that regardless of the outcome my mind (and heart) would never be the same.  And I can honestly say that prediction was 100% true.  During our first cycle I was so happy and excited to get our calendar.  Looking forward to starting meds and practically giddy with the thought that in a few short weeks I would could be pregnant.  I had very different feelings today as I drove to my appointment for my cycle 2 calendar review.  My  heart still feels heavy with loss.  My hopes are defeated and my attitude feels almost as if "Why Bother".  Instead of feeling excited and optimistic I feel broken and hopeless.  Not a good start to a new cycle.

But when I walked through the doors to my clinic my emotions immediately lifted.  I was greeted by "my girls" - Nurse Jenny and my sweet Nurse Jo.  They were waiting for me to arrive and their excitement to get started on this next round was contagious.  Jenny took me back to her office and we sat down to review the new calendar.  For those of you who thought the first round was overwhelming I can tell you that was nothing.  We will continue with everything we did for the first protocol while increasing the dosage and then will also add in 2 more injectable meds along with estrogen suppositories.  Jenny went over the process for administering the new meds and we set up all my appointments for blood work and u/s's.  I start my suppression meds a week from today so ready or not we are starting again.

After Jenny got done being my Nurse she took her unpaid role as my therapist :)  We talked about the fear of this time not working and my heart break over Dr. H. 's diagnosis of me being a poor responder.  Jenny is sticking to the fact that it's too early to tell if I truly am a "poor responder"  She said that you can't make the diagnosis until after we try this more aggressive cycle.  She is hopeful that this is going to be exactly what we need to get the results we want - more eggs which leads to a better chance for good, quality embryos.  I can tell you one thing my shitty attitude isn't going to help anything so I'm going to do my best to leave it behind and try to find the positivity that I've always had about life.  I know it's still inside me, just buried underneath the pain and hurt.

So attached below is my new schedule.  The Ganirelix and the E2V intramuscular injections (ouch) are new this cycle along with the E2V suppositories.  I actually am starting stim a week earlier than I thought which I guess is a good thing.  Please, please, please let this be it.