The Devil Drug

I'm officially renaming Menopur "The Devil Drug".  I love how the instructions my clinic provides state "There could be mild stinging when injecting".  Mild my a$$.  It should tell you that it feels as if you are pumping fire directly into your stomach.  Seriously I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I'd rather do PIO shots over the Menopur any day.  Of course if it's actually working and doing what it's meant to then it's all totally worth it.  But that doesn't mean that it's not the still The Devil Drug.

So it's day 5 of stimming for me.  On Monday I'll go in for my ultrasound and see how things are progressing.  I'm hopeful for more follicles than we had last time since we are on a more aggressive protocol, but I think I'm mentally prepared to also have the same amount as before.  If it's less than our first cycle I'm sure there will be a total breakdown right on the table, but we won't think about that now.  As I feel worse and worse every day with the bloating and just being generally uncomfortable due to the drugs my emotional state seems to improve.  I am getting more hopeful and positive about this cycle and the possibility of it actually working.  I was so disappointed after our first round and I know due my diagnosis that I'll never be one of those girls who gets a million eggs.  But I'm hopeful that we can eek out a few more and have a couple more be mature and a couple more fertilize normally.  I've been focusing on having 2 quality embryos to transfer and hopeful to have 2 to freeze.  I would be unbelievably thankful for those kind of results and I"m hoping they are realistic.  Once again only time will tell.

Being a crazy type A control freak it's very hard for me not to look forward past this cycle if it doesn't work.  There are a couple of paths we are considering, all depending on the results of this "more aggressive" protocol.  We have discussed what I've learned about CCRM through the blog world.  It seems to be the general consensus that this is the best fertility clinic in the country.  I think if we were to try again we would look into going there.  However if our results are as poor as our first cycle I feel as if it could be time to look into donor eggs.  D was surprised that I was considering that.  And while it would be a very hard and I would definitely mourn the loss of having a biological connection to our child, I do think that I am the right type of person for that situation.  It's not for everyone but it definitely could be for me.

Obviously we can't make any decisions until we get through this cycle so I'm definitely trying to focus on where we are now and have positive successful thoughts.  And while there's a big part of me that's completely terrified, there's another part that is hopeful and has faith and is ready for whatever the next week brings.

F is for Follistim

Happy Monday Everyone!  This COLD Midwest Monday brings the start of my stim drugs for IVF #2.  This new cycle has included a switch from Lupron to Ganirelix,  Delestrogen IM shots every third day and last night I started estrogen suppositories.  Tonight we add in 600 units of Follistim to hopefully help my follicles start to grow. (Has anyone else ever been on this high of a dose of Follistim??)   For those of you who are familiar with Follistim you know that it's administered in a pen and that the cartridge holds 450 units.  Which means for tonight and tomorrow I'll have to stick myself twice to get the complete dose.  Yuck.  Then on Wednesday we throw in the Menopur to hopefully help the eggs growing in the follicles mature.

I'm feeling pretty peaceful about things right now.  I'm hopeful and optimistic but I don't feel as if I'm over-obsessing about the entire process.  Although I haven't been able to completely keep my "crazy" in check (I definitely used an IVF calculator to see when my due date would be if this cycle works) I am focusing on turning it all over to God.  With our first cycle we got 8 eggs, only 5 of which were mature, and only 1 that fertilized normally.  I'm REALLY hoping for some better results this time around.  I'm REALLY hoping that we have 2 good quality embryos to transfer and some to freeze.  I'm REALLY hoping that this cycle results in a viable pregnancy.  I'm REALLY hoping this is all God's will.  Only time will tell.

So here's to this week FLYING by.  I'm looking forward to Superbowl Sunday and time with my family this weekend celebrating my youngest nephews birthday.  I'm looking forward to lots of snuggle time on the couch with D and the puppy (my self proclaimed Happy Place).  And taking one day at a time.

Happy Monday friends.

IVF Cycle 2 Calendar

Here we go again.......

So as I mentioned in one of my previous posts while preparing for our first IVF cycle I knew that regardless of the outcome my mind (and heart) would never be the same.  And I can honestly say that prediction was 100% true.  During our first cycle I was so happy and excited to get our calendar.  Looking forward to starting meds and practically giddy with the thought that in a few short weeks I would could be pregnant.  I had very different feelings today as I drove to my appointment for my cycle 2 calendar review.  My  heart still feels heavy with loss.  My hopes are defeated and my attitude feels almost as if "Why Bother".  Instead of feeling excited and optimistic I feel broken and hopeless.  Not a good start to a new cycle.

But when I walked through the doors to my clinic my emotions immediately lifted.  I was greeted by "my girls" - Nurse Jenny and my sweet Nurse Jo.  They were waiting for me to arrive and their excitement to get started on this next round was contagious.  Jenny took me back to her office and we sat down to review the new calendar.  For those of you who thought the first round was overwhelming I can tell you that was nothing.  We will continue with everything we did for the first protocol while increasing the dosage and then will also add in 2 more injectable meds along with estrogen suppositories.  Jenny went over the process for administering the new meds and we set up all my appointments for blood work and u/s's.  I start my suppression meds a week from today so ready or not we are starting again.

After Jenny got done being my Nurse she took her unpaid role as my therapist :)  We talked about the fear of this time not working and my heart break over Dr. H. 's diagnosis of me being a poor responder.  Jenny is sticking to the fact that it's too early to tell if I truly am a "poor responder"  She said that you can't make the diagnosis until after we try this more aggressive cycle.  She is hopeful that this is going to be exactly what we need to get the results we want - more eggs which leads to a better chance for good, quality embryos.  I can tell you one thing my shitty attitude isn't going to help anything so I'm going to do my best to leave it behind and try to find the positivity that I've always had about life.  I know it's still inside me, just buried underneath the pain and hurt.

So attached below is my new schedule.  The Ganirelix and the E2V intramuscular injections (ouch) are new this cycle along with the E2V suppositories.  I actually am starting stim a week earlier than I thought which I guess is a good thing.  Please, please, please let this be it.