F is for Follistim

Happy Monday Everyone!  This COLD Midwest Monday brings the start of my stim drugs for IVF #2.  This new cycle has included a switch from Lupron to Ganirelix,  Delestrogen IM shots every third day and last night I started estrogen suppositories.  Tonight we add in 600 units of Follistim to hopefully help my follicles start to grow. (Has anyone else ever been on this high of a dose of Follistim??)   For those of you who are familiar with Follistim you know that it's administered in a pen and that the cartridge holds 450 units.  Which means for tonight and tomorrow I'll have to stick myself twice to get the complete dose.  Yuck.  Then on Wednesday we throw in the Menopur to hopefully help the eggs growing in the follicles mature.

I'm feeling pretty peaceful about things right now.  I'm hopeful and optimistic but I don't feel as if I'm over-obsessing about the entire process.  Although I haven't been able to completely keep my "crazy" in check (I definitely used an IVF calculator to see when my due date would be if this cycle works) I am focusing on turning it all over to God.  With our first cycle we got 8 eggs, only 5 of which were mature, and only 1 that fertilized normally.  I'm REALLY hoping for some better results this time around.  I'm REALLY hoping that we have 2 good quality embryos to transfer and some to freeze.  I'm REALLY hoping that this cycle results in a viable pregnancy.  I'm REALLY hoping this is all God's will.  Only time will tell.

So here's to this week FLYING by.  I'm looking forward to Superbowl Sunday and time with my family this weekend celebrating my youngest nephews birthday.  I'm looking forward to lots of snuggle time on the couch with D and the puppy (my self proclaimed Happy Place).  And taking one day at a time.

Happy Monday friends.

IVF Cycle 2 Calendar

Here we go again.......

So as I mentioned in one of my previous posts while preparing for our first IVF cycle I knew that regardless of the outcome my mind (and heart) would never be the same.  And I can honestly say that prediction was 100% true.  During our first cycle I was so happy and excited to get our calendar.  Looking forward to starting meds and practically giddy with the thought that in a few short weeks I would could be pregnant.  I had very different feelings today as I drove to my appointment for my cycle 2 calendar review.  My  heart still feels heavy with loss.  My hopes are defeated and my attitude feels almost as if "Why Bother".  Instead of feeling excited and optimistic I feel broken and hopeless.  Not a good start to a new cycle.

But when I walked through the doors to my clinic my emotions immediately lifted.  I was greeted by "my girls" - Nurse Jenny and my sweet Nurse Jo.  They were waiting for me to arrive and their excitement to get started on this next round was contagious.  Jenny took me back to her office and we sat down to review the new calendar.  For those of you who thought the first round was overwhelming I can tell you that was nothing.  We will continue with everything we did for the first protocol while increasing the dosage and then will also add in 2 more injectable meds along with estrogen suppositories.  Jenny went over the process for administering the new meds and we set up all my appointments for blood work and u/s's.  I start my suppression meds a week from today so ready or not we are starting again.

After Jenny got done being my Nurse she took her unpaid role as my therapist :)  We talked about the fear of this time not working and my heart break over Dr. H. 's diagnosis of me being a poor responder.  Jenny is sticking to the fact that it's too early to tell if I truly am a "poor responder"  She said that you can't make the diagnosis until after we try this more aggressive cycle.  She is hopeful that this is going to be exactly what we need to get the results we want - more eggs which leads to a better chance for good, quality embryos.  I can tell you one thing my shitty attitude isn't going to help anything so I'm going to do my best to leave it behind and try to find the positivity that I've always had about life.  I know it's still inside me, just buried underneath the pain and hurt.

So attached below is my new schedule.  The Ganirelix and the E2V intramuscular injections (ouch) are new this cycle along with the E2V suppositories.  I actually am starting stim a week earlier than I thought which I guess is a good thing.  Please, please, please let this be it.

Poking, Proding, Needles, and Bloating

Happy Wednesday!  This week is going unbelievably slow for me so I am extra happy to hit the halfway point.  We are 2 days into the stim meds and the Follistim shots are going well.  Due to the high dosage it takes D about 30 seconds to inject all of the medicine in.  It burns a little going in but I'm fine right after it's done.  Piece of cake.  I'm still feeling pretty good overall.  Yesterday I felt like I was feeling kind of full in the stomach area.  I'm not sure if it's just in my head or what.  It's so hard not to over analyse every feeling, tweak, imaginary symptom.  I just want so bad for this to be working and honestly there's no way to know until the ultrasound on Monday.  So more waiting.  I should be a professional by now but it's still so hard for me.

I feel like I'm having a lot of highs and lows lately, which can probably be attributed to the hormone cocktails I'm on.  One minute I feel so positive that this is going to work for us and the next I'm almost paralyzed with fear that it will be a complete failure and we'll learn that not even IVF can help us make a baby of our own.  I'm doing my best to block out the negative and the fear but I think it's probably healthy to acknowledge that it's there.  This morning as I brushed my teeth I prayed, yet again, for our family and success with this cycle.  I feel selfish asking God for so much when I'm already obviously blessed.  I feel like I can only ask for the process to work, like I"m not allowed to also ask for peace, strength, and hope.  But I know in order to keep my sanity those things are just as critical.  I try to look ahead and picture what life will be like in Jan. when this is behind us and we'll have an answer one way or another and I just can't see either outcome.  It's like I'm stuck in the present and the future is so unclear.  I know this is because I'm scared of failure and also scared to hope for the best.  So I guess I'll just try to focus on one day at a time and doing everything I can each day to make this baby a reality.

Follistim Day 1

Well ready or not today is the day!  I got good news this weekend as my period starting right on time after I stopped my BCP and my blood work all came back "perfect" according to nurse Jenny.  This was a relief for me as I know if your levels aren't low enough this can delay or even cancel the cycle before it really even gets started.  So one milestone down. Tonight we start the first stimulation injections which for my protocol is Follistim.  If you are wondering what this drug is all about below is a brief description

Follistim AQ (follicle stimulating hormone) is a man-made form of a hormone that occurs naturally in the body. This hormone regulates ovulation, the growth and development of eggs in a woman's ovaries.

 

So for IVF follistim is used to help produce (hopefully) multiple follicles on each ovary.  In regular ovualation each month one ovary produces one follicle which grows, matures, and releases one egg.  However our goal for IVF is obviously to retrieve several eggs so we need mulitple follicles.  Come on Follistim!  Then on Wednesday we'll add in a drug called Menopur which will help the eggs mature inside the follicles.  I'll continue taking the lupron because it basically tells my brain NOT to ovulate, as the doctors want to control when that happens, which they'll do with a HCG "trigger" shot once the follicles are big enough and they believe the eggs to be mature.  So this week our schedule is as follows

Monday-Tuesday - Lupron (AM injection), steriods, prenatal, Follistim (PM injection)

Wednesday-Sunday - Lupron, sterioids, prenatal, Follistim, Menopur (PM injection)

That's 3 injections a day Wed-Sunday!  Whew!  The follistim is given in a pen that functions just like an epipen.  The needle is tiny and the only side effects I have really read about are the bloated feeling that comes with the growing follicles (which would be a welcomed side effect as that means the meds are working!).  I've heard that you can get so bloated by retriveal that your pants won't fit and you'll be uncomfortable walking.  So I'm prepared to spend this weekend hanging out on the couch in yoga pants.  Sounds pretty relaxing actually!  I've also heard that since the Follistim is refridgerated you should take it out approx. 15 min. before you give the injection to let it warm up a little bit, so I think I'll follow that advice as well.  

Oh- I almost forgot I also started accupuncture last week!  I went twice last week and will continue to go twice a week until retrival and then once a week after transfer.  I have read so many positive correlations between IVF and accupuncture and since my insurance covers 50% decided to give it a try.  The needles don't hurt (especailly compared to what we've been doing) and it's actually a nice break to just lay there and relax for 20 min.  He does 8 needles all around my stomach and I rest for 20 min. and then I flip over and he puts four in back and we wait another 20 min.  The goal is to increase the blood flow to your uterus to help with implantation.  Below is a picture!

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If any of you who have been through this before have thoughts/advice for the upcoming week I would love to hear it!  

Good news or Bad news??

Well we made it through our weekend with no problems or issues.  My mother-in-law and I have taken our relationship to the next level now that she has stuck me with a needle. :)  She was a champ and everything went great.

However, I was thrown for a loop this morning when our hero, Nurse Jenny, gave me a call.  She explained that she had her weekly lab meeting with Dr. H. and that while he was reviewing my case he decided to up the dosage of my Follistim and start me on it a day earlier.  So my original schedule had me starting the Follistim at 300 units on Tues. Dec. 3rd.  and dropping it to 225 units on Dec. 5th.  They now want me to start 450 units of the Follistim on Mon. Dec. 2nd and drop to 300 units on the 4th.

So.  What the hell does that mean?  I asked Nurse Jenny what the doctor's reasoning was.  She explained that he increased the dosage due to my elevated FSH level related to my age  (FSH level is 10.8 and I am 33 years old).  She said to realize that I am still in the "middle" of the spectrum so it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Hers' the thing.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE Nurse Jenny.  She's been so patient with me and my 10 billion questions.  But honestly I'm not sure how I feel about being in the middle of the spectrum.  And while I'm glad they are being as aggressive as possible to hopefully make this work it's hard not to be negative.  I'm having nightmares of retrieval day where there are no eggs to be found.  Honestly I realize that the elevated FSH signals that I may have an ovarian reserve issue but since it was only "slightly" elevated I was hopeful that my body would respond well and we'd be able to get a semi normal amount of eggs.  With this recent news I kind of feel like I've been fooling myself and living in denial.  I mean the truth is my FSH level is higher than most women who are 40.  And while I do have age on my side and all my other blood tests came back in the normal range it's still a strong signal that this is going to be challenging for us.  I mean, hello we jumped right to IVF.  Red flag number 1 right?  So while I want to stay hopeful and positive for this cycle there's part of me that feels like I've been living in a dream land thinking there's even a chance we are going to get out of the Land of IF (infertility) on the first shot.  I think it's actually hit home that this could be a very long road ahead of us.

I actually feel better having gotten that all out of my system.  So now I will try and focus on it being a GOOD thing that they upped the medicine instead of sticking with the original plan and not getting the results we want and need.  Once again I remind myself that this is out of my control.  I have to put my faith and trust in God and his plan.  So one day at a time.  One step forward.

1 Samuel 1:27  For this child I have prayed  - 

We are taking this to a whole new level........