I'm going to take a moment to vent and be a whinny IVF patient. I try so hard not to complain about this process that is giving me a chance to have a baby of my own when nature most likely wouldn't let that happen. I feel bad complaining and being ungrateful for medicine and science that gives us a fighting chance. And I know that FET cycles are not as intense as fresh IVF cycles. I know all of this. But some days you just gotta bitch.
My FET protocol was Lupron for supression with E2V (delestrogen) IM (inter muscular) injections every third day. Now that we are getting closer to transfer I've started the dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots and we've increased the E2V. I'm doing 2cc's (100mg) of PIO every night. This. Is. A. Lot. More than I've ever done in the past. In addition I'm doing .4ml's of E2V every third night. Last night was a night I had to do both IM shots. I'm not proud to say I didn't handle this well and basically cried through the whole thing. My bottom hurts when I walk, hurts when I sit, hurts when simply standing. In addition I've been battling a non stop headache since this weekend. Please, don't get me wrong. If it meant I get a baby I would do both shots every day for the rest of my life. But man, is it hard sometimes.
Ok so that's enough of the whining and complaining. That being said we are one day closer to transfer. We are getting there - making progress. And as my best friend told me this morning every shot is one step closer to transfer and giving Frosty a home. I pray so hard that this works. That this will be it for us. However the road to bringing home a healthy baby is long and full of potholes. I will be SO SO grateful IF we get a positive beta. But I will be plagued with worry and fear waiting to see it increase. I know I won't be able to stop thinking about what happened last time. I can't even picture myself going in for the first ultrasound after experiencing it last time with no heartbeat. The fear is like a living, breathing thing inside me. Then I begin to play out "which is worse". Is it worse to get a negative beta from the get go? Or to become pregnant only to miscarry. I'm not sure there's a right answer there. Both are terrible, horrible. I don't want to go through either option. I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant and 9 months later bring home a healthy baby. Which sometimes feels completely impossible.
But thanks to my support system I have faith. I have people who are praying for us and helping me to be positive even when I feel hopeless. For that I am eternally grateful. I know it only takes one. I have spent this week obsessing over some of your blogs where you transferred just 1 embryo and either have your sweet child home with you or are well in to your 2nd or 3rd trimester. I envision that being us. I hope. I pray. I do these stupid shots and take all of the meds and know that ultimately this is all in God's hands. I trust in his plan for us even when I don't understand it. I have FAITH.