"Baby" Steps

I feel like I should give an update, but there's just not much going on right now.  This morning I started a new-to-me med called Ganirelix which is just another suppression med.  This one will see me all the way through trigger to (hopefully) keep me from ovulating too soon.  I got blood drawn yesterday and all of my levels came back right where they should be.  I'm now waiting to start my period, which will hopefully happen today or tomorrow and then we are cleared to start stimming on Monday.  Tomorrow we add in the E2V/Delestrogen shots (which are intramuscular - similar to the Progesterone - ouch!).  It's my understanding this is supposed to help with my lining and aid in implantation.

As we inch closer to "pulling out the big drugs" I am finding myself getting more focused and the hope is creeping back in.  While I still find myself thinking about what our next steps are if this cycle doesn't work, I'm also thinking about what if it does.  A lot of my blogger friends have gotten BFP in the past couple of months and it's so hopeful for me.  It's also a little bit scary because we all know the statistics and it can't work for everyone.  But I'm doing my best to stay positive and I really am hopeful for a better outcome this cycle.

I know from our first IVF that once you start stim drugs everything (at least for me) seems to go in fast forward.  It's so much better for me mentally to be actually DOING something daily to help make this dream a reality even if the action is just shooting myself up with numerous drugs and hormones.  Every day and every shot brings us one day closer.  Baby steps people.....baby steps.

One of the girls I follow (who's blog I absolutely LOVE)  posted this amazing article yesterday.  As I was reading it I just kept thinking things like "YES!"  and "EXACTLY!"  It really was able to put my feelings about infertility into words - I couldn't have said it better myself.  I wanted to share for not only my friends fighting infertility but those who aren't to give a better perspective of this painful battle.

The Disgrace of Infertility

IVF Cycle 2 Calendar

Here we go again.......

So as I mentioned in one of my previous posts while preparing for our first IVF cycle I knew that regardless of the outcome my mind (and heart) would never be the same.  And I can honestly say that prediction was 100% true.  During our first cycle I was so happy and excited to get our calendar.  Looking forward to starting meds and practically giddy with the thought that in a few short weeks I would could be pregnant.  I had very different feelings today as I drove to my appointment for my cycle 2 calendar review.  My  heart still feels heavy with loss.  My hopes are defeated and my attitude feels almost as if "Why Bother".  Instead of feeling excited and optimistic I feel broken and hopeless.  Not a good start to a new cycle.

But when I walked through the doors to my clinic my emotions immediately lifted.  I was greeted by "my girls" - Nurse Jenny and my sweet Nurse Jo.  They were waiting for me to arrive and their excitement to get started on this next round was contagious.  Jenny took me back to her office and we sat down to review the new calendar.  For those of you who thought the first round was overwhelming I can tell you that was nothing.  We will continue with everything we did for the first protocol while increasing the dosage and then will also add in 2 more injectable meds along with estrogen suppositories.  Jenny went over the process for administering the new meds and we set up all my appointments for blood work and u/s's.  I start my suppression meds a week from today so ready or not we are starting again.

After Jenny got done being my Nurse she took her unpaid role as my therapist :)  We talked about the fear of this time not working and my heart break over Dr. H. 's diagnosis of me being a poor responder.  Jenny is sticking to the fact that it's too early to tell if I truly am a "poor responder"  She said that you can't make the diagnosis until after we try this more aggressive cycle.  She is hopeful that this is going to be exactly what we need to get the results we want - more eggs which leads to a better chance for good, quality embryos.  I can tell you one thing my shitty attitude isn't going to help anything so I'm going to do my best to leave it behind and try to find the positivity that I've always had about life.  I know it's still inside me, just buried underneath the pain and hurt.

So attached below is my new schedule.  The Ganirelix and the E2V intramuscular injections (ouch) are new this cycle along with the E2V suppositories.  I actually am starting stim a week earlier than I thought which I guess is a good thing.  Please, please, please let this be it.