As I laid in bed wide awake at 3am this morning I couldn't block it out. It's as if all of the doubts, the fears, the stress collides and it all hits me in a complete moment of panic. What if this doesn't work? What if I can't ever get pregnant?
Sometimes I just can't help myself from going down that path. And even though I feel my marriage is strong, and has grown stronger because of our infertility, I also know that it hasn't escaped unscathed. Infertility has a way of creeping into every aspect of your relationship. You can say you won't let it affect your sex life - until the moment when you are thinking it's a "waste" since you aren't ovulating. You can say you are going to enjoy the time you have just the two of you - until you can no longer find joy in the things you used to. You can say there's no one to blame for the circumstances but deep down is that really true? I know I blame myself and I know that affects our relationship. I've talked before about how much I struggle with thoughts of this is NOT what D signed up for. That he deserves better. That I'm keeping him from becoming the one thing in this world that he's MEANT to be. Then when I add to it the fact that we are not on the same page as far as adoption, that he's doesn't want to talk about surrogacy when we aren't there yet. I wonder if we'll be able to survive what this could potentially do to us. Could we live child free and be happy? Would having each other be enough? My heart says YES. I love this man. I know without a doubt that he loves me. But late at night when the shear magnitude of our situation crowds my mind the fear creeps in. Could we really be fulfilled and happy in a life without children? I'm not sure. It's not what we want, not what I've envisioned for us. Multiple times a day a feel a stab of pain, or envy, or heartache due to the reminders that are everywhere. Could we live the rest of our life battling that day in and day out? How do you make it through that without breaking?
I pray with all of my heart, every day, that we won't have to face this nightmare of a reality that haunts me. But the truth of the matter is that we very well just might have to. Are we strong enough to make it through? Is anyone?