5 weeks

Well today I am five weeks.  It seems impossible that it's only been a week since we got our positive results. It feels like so much has changed.  While our little one is basically all I can think about I'm still having trouble fully believing.  It's funny how when I see a pregnant woman my initial reaction is still a kick to the gut, a stab in the heart.  It feels.....almost wrong to talk about the pregnancy.  I feel like a fraud.  I went to the dentist this week and had to tell them that I was pregnant so we couldn't do X-rays and I felt like such a fake.  My family is so happy and excited and it's almost as if I'm afraid to talk about it too much like that will make it go away.  I AM trying to focus on the positive and I am so very grateful.  But fear is a hard thing to over come.

Today I wrote this letter because I wanted to embrace the fact that this pregnancy IS real.  That there is a growing being inside of me made of myself and D.   If you aren't in a good place right now and dont' want to read this I completely understand.  I have been there all too recently.  Please, take care of you.



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Hello my love.  Today you are officially 5 weeks old, even though we know you are probably measuring a little behind that mark since you were what they call a “late implanter”.  We first found out that you were growing inside Mommy a week ago.  How our lives have changed!  You gave us quite a scare by coming in with some low Beta numbers, but then the numbers JUMPED for Beta 2 and continued to steadily increase for Beta 3.  The doctor doesn’t think we need to take any more blood tests so now we are (impatiently) waiting for our first sonogram on March 14^th.  Two whole weeks away which feels like forever to Mommy and Daddy.  Do you know that our whole world revolves around you, even though you are basically the size of a sesame seed?!  It sounds crazy I know, but we have prayed so hard for you and we already love you so much.  It’s still a little scary to look too far ahead into the future.  We try to just take things a day at a time and I start each day by praying for your.  I pray that God blesses you and holds you in his hands.  That he makes you strong and helps you continue to grow and develop into a beautiful, healthy baby.  I pray that God gives my body the strength and support that it needs to provide a good home for you.  And I dream.  I can’t help it, but I dream about what it will feel like to finally see your sweet face and hold you in my arms.  To see the look on Daddy’s face when he gets to meet you.  I know he will be so proud and utterly amazed.  I picture you nuzzled on the couch in between us, resting against Chloe.  She will be the best big “sister” anyone could ever ask for.  But it’s a long road until that time, so today I continue to pray.  To keep you in my every thought.  Hang on in there little one.  I know you are so strong to have made it this far.  That’s your Daddy coming out in you.  We are counting the days until we can see you for ourselves on that screen.

The results are in....

Sorry that I've fallen off the blogosphere. (Is that a word?). The last few days have been some of the hardest of my life. My first beta was Wednesday morning. I was a nervous wreck going in. Sweet Jo took my blood and Jenny and Brian came over to study me to see if I looked pregnant. :)  Jenny told me that if I wanted to know the results she would tell me but that they basically didn't mean anything until we see what happens on Friday. I told her I didn't know what I wanted to do and id let her know. My thoughts on this was which was worse. Getting a positive today and having it drop on Friday. Or just hearing it's negative today. After a few hours of debate as I sat at my desk doing absolutely no work I decided just to let it go. I considered it another step in turning over control to God. Needlesss to say Wed and Thurs were the longest days of my life. I thought of nothing else and obsessed over every symptom and lack of symptom.  I'm not sure how I survived but somehow Friday morning came. I spent the morning in tears. Just feeling absolutely terrified that we were going to get bad news. Finally it was time to go. I thought id walk in and take one look at Jenny and know. But she was very even keel. As we walked to the blood draw area I broke down and told her that she had to tell me the results from Wed. She said that it was positive, but low. I asked how low and she said 12. My heart sank. I know enough to know that's not a good sign. I immediately got upset and Jenny immediately put a stop to my pitty party. She told me that she's had patients with lower betas than that stay pregnant and we just need to see how it looks today. She reinforced that this is exactly why they don't give out 1st betas. So I took a deep breath and she promised to call as soon as she had the results. 

Luckily our baby girl puppy dog had a Vet appointment to get all of her annual shots so that was a great distraction. I left the clinic and headed to her appointment. I just prayed so hard that God would provide a miracle. I didn't call D or my mom to tell them the results of he first beta. Instead of worrying them both I just decided to wait and see what happens. And boy am I glad I did. 

 

Jenny called on our way home from the Vet with the announcement that God had heard our prayers. My beta was at 59 and had more than doubled since Wednesday. Doctor said it was rising beautifully. Jenny asked if I wanted to schedule a third beta for next week explaining that Doctor said he didn't feel it was necessary but it was up to me. I if course said yes and we scheduled it for Tuesday morning. 

So for now I am pregnant. The last 24 hours I have hit every possible emotion. Devastation, elation, fear, panic, heartache, worry, happiness, and finally so much love for this living being that's growing (actually growing!!) inside me. After hearing the news I stopped to buy the digital test in the picture above because I just had to see it. 

I know that there is so far to go on this journey. And trust me the fear of what could happen is all to alive and present within me. But I feel like our little embryo fought so hard to hang on and make it to this point and I am going to fight for it. So we take it one step at a time. We get to Tues and hope the numbers have continued to increase. Once we get that confirmation then we'll look ahead to the six week ultrasound. Until then I am feeling unbelievably grateful and filled with hope. Thanks you all so much for the prayers and support. This blog had been a life raft to cling to throughout this storm. I ask that you please continue to pray for us and our little miracle as we navigate this very scary time of early pregnancy.