5 weeks

Well today I am five weeks.  It seems impossible that it's only been a week since we got our positive results. It feels like so much has changed.  While our little one is basically all I can think about I'm still having trouble fully believing.  It's funny how when I see a pregnant woman my initial reaction is still a kick to the gut, a stab in the heart.  It feels.....almost wrong to talk about the pregnancy.  I feel like a fraud.  I went to the dentist this week and had to tell them that I was pregnant so we couldn't do X-rays and I felt like such a fake.  My family is so happy and excited and it's almost as if I'm afraid to talk about it too much like that will make it go away.  I AM trying to focus on the positive and I am so very grateful.  But fear is a hard thing to over come.

Today I wrote this letter because I wanted to embrace the fact that this pregnancy IS real.  That there is a growing being inside of me made of myself and D.   If you aren't in a good place right now and dont' want to read this I completely understand.  I have been there all too recently.  Please, take care of you.



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Hello my love.  Today you are officially 5 weeks old, even though we know you are probably measuring a little behind that mark since you were what they call a “late implanter”.  We first found out that you were growing inside Mommy a week ago.  How our lives have changed!  You gave us quite a scare by coming in with some low Beta numbers, but then the numbers JUMPED for Beta 2 and continued to steadily increase for Beta 3.  The doctor doesn’t think we need to take any more blood tests so now we are (impatiently) waiting for our first sonogram on March 14^th.  Two whole weeks away which feels like forever to Mommy and Daddy.  Do you know that our whole world revolves around you, even though you are basically the size of a sesame seed?!  It sounds crazy I know, but we have prayed so hard for you and we already love you so much.  It’s still a little scary to look too far ahead into the future.  We try to just take things a day at a time and I start each day by praying for your.  I pray that God blesses you and holds you in his hands.  That he makes you strong and helps you continue to grow and develop into a beautiful, healthy baby.  I pray that God gives my body the strength and support that it needs to provide a good home for you.  And I dream.  I can’t help it, but I dream about what it will feel like to finally see your sweet face and hold you in my arms.  To see the look on Daddy’s face when he gets to meet you.  I know he will be so proud and utterly amazed.  I picture you nuzzled on the couch in between us, resting against Chloe.  She will be the best big “sister” anyone could ever ask for.  But it’s a long road until that time, so today I continue to pray.  To keep you in my every thought.  Hang on in there little one.  I know you are so strong to have made it this far.  That’s your Daddy coming out in you.  We are counting the days until we can see you for ourselves on that screen.