Monday, April 14, 2014

Facing your Fears

Well today I'm heading back to my clinic for an ultrsaound.  I haven't gotten my period yet after the miscarriage and they want to check for cysts.  Honestly I can't get past the ultrasound part to even comprehend what it does mean if I have a cyst.  I'm assuming it will postpone our next cycle for the FET.  Which sucks, but like I said all I can think about is being back in that room and what happened last time I was there.  Logically I know there's many, many more ultrasounds in my future with IVF and hopefully someday another pregnancy.  So I need to face this fear and just get over it.  I just can't stop thinking about everything that happened last time I was there and all of the emotions seem to come right back.  But I'm ready to move forward and this is part of the process so I just need to suck it up and get it done. As we all know battling infertility has lots of dark moments and difficult situations so this is just another one that I'll face on our journey to a family.  I would do anything, absolutely anything, to make that happen.  So I guess I'll take a deep breath, grit my teeth, and get this over with hopefully as quickly as possible.  I'm grateful, yet again, for the fantastic staff at my clinic who will be by my side and make this painful experience a little bit easier.  D is going to come too, even though he probably shouldn't take the time off of work.  I didn't even have to say anything he just knew how difficult this would be and told me he'd be there.  I feel very lucky and blessed that I don't have to travel this road alone.

There's a small stupid part of me that was hopeful that we'd conceive naturally during this cycle.  I know that our chances of this happening are so slim but I couldn't help but hope.  You hear all of the stories about how you are the most fertile after a miscarriage.  But I'm almost positive I didn't ovulate this cycle at all and even though my period is late I feel absolutely normal.  I've had no cramps, no sort of symptoms of any kind.  I couldn't bring myself to take a test and see another negative today.  So I'm just moving forward with our appointment today and I guess we'll know soon enough what's next.


  1. I hope the ultrasound was not as bad as you were expecting. I've never actually seen a baby on the ultrasound screen, so I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't have PTSD symptoms surrounding ultrasounds... I can only imagine how awful it must be. Hoping you got some good news and that you can move forward with your FET soon. Much love!

  2. I am sending you a virtual hug and praying for you during your u/s. I will never understand why certain things happen to people. I will also be praying for your future rainbow baby....