Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Be Patient

Thank you so much for all of the kind comments and emails.  I'm very sad to report that my beta was negative.  I tested on 9dp5dt and then again the morning of the beta (10dp5dt) and both home tests were negative.  I knew in my heart before I even saw the results that it didn't work.

I'm doing okay.  I mostly feel numb.  Next month is our 1 year anniversary of our infertility diagnosis.  When we first discovered that there were issues I remember wishing I could just fast forward to a year from now when this would all be behind us.  But here we are - 2 Fresh IVF cycles, one FET, 3 transfers, and 5 beautiful embryos lost.  I long ago lost track of the number of pills and injections I've given myself.  The blood, bruises, hot flashes, headaches, and hormonal highs and lows no longer phase me.  What once seemed like the biggest, most overwhelming experience of my life has become routine.  And here we sit.  Still childless, still heart broken, bleeding money and quickly losing hope.

This most recent disappointment has caused to me really question if having a family is in the cards for us.  I've always been so sure in my heart that I was meant to be a mother.  It's what I've always wanted, what I've always dreamed of.  Even when dealing with the shock and devastation of an infertility diagnosis I still felt confident that I would have a baby.  It just was going to take a little longer than we thought.  And believe me I know there's so many of you who have been fighting this battle much longer than us.  I guess I was just naive enough to think we'd be one of the lucky ones who got out quickly.  It's not looking like that's the case.

We scheduled our WTF appointment for next week.  I think that Dr. H. will lay out two paths for us.  1.  Try a 3rd fresh cycle at the very highest medicated protocol (we were on the 2nd highest last time) and include genetic testing (CCS) of the embryos.  2.  Donor Eggs.

My husband and I have spent a great deal of time over the weekend discussing this.  He just isn't ready to make the jump to donor eggs.  He really feels like we saw improved results (as far as number of eggs retrieved and number of viable embryos) with our last fresh cycle and if we try again on the most aggressive protocol we could possibly even get a couple more eggs/embryos then last time.  He also thinks the genetic testing will give us some answers that will make things more clear.  Which I guess I see his point.  If the genetic results come back and none of our embryos are normal then that's a pretty good indicator that we should move on.  But if we have several that are normal then it would confirm that I have more of an egg quantity problems vs. an egg quality problem.

My biggest thing is I just don't want to waste any more time.  I'm sure part of it is that I turn 34 in 2 weeks.  It just seems like with each disappointment and failure all I can think about is the fact that time is quickly running out.

But I am going to do my best to stay hopeful and positive.  I have a lot to be grateful in my life and I need to remember that.


  1. I know you're hurting. I'm so sorry your little embryo didn't become your bring home baby. I wish so badly that you had been "one of the lucky ones" to make it off this crazy roller coaster before you had anniversaries to acknowledge... though two fresh cycles and one FET is A LOT to go through in a year... you're no newbie! : )

    Hoping that the doctors have some insight and direction for you! Love you, friend!

  2. Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. So very sorry. I hope your regroup goes well. We were directed to move to donor eggs ages ago and weren't ready... I think you'll know when you are and you have to go with your gut. Obviously you already know this... but I'll be thinking of you as you face those tough decisions.

  3. I am so very sorry. Therr are no words. Hang in there and do something nice for yourself. You will be a mom one day, dont lose hope. Hugs to you!

  4. Awe I am so sorry girl! I know how hard this must be but you can't give up or lose hope just yet. Remember age doesn't matter to God. My Mamma had my mom when she was 42 (unexpectedly after giving up for a second child) and it was perfect timing. If my Mamma lived to be 94 and if she hadn't had my mom at a later age, no one would have been around to help care for her. God see's the whole picture while we just see a small portion of it. He has big plans in store for you. Keep believing :) xoxo

  5. I hate this for you. There are no words to make it better or easier. You seem to be handling it with grace, and I admire you for that. I hate infertility.... It's such bullshit.