Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Protecting my Heart

As we inch closer and closer to March I'm slowly allowing myself to start focusing on TTC again.  For the last few months I've done a decent job of avoiding it.  I'm sure you all know that the thoughts/fear/worries/sadness is always there, in the back of your mind.  But since we've been on a holding pattern as we waited to see if the Lupron Depot would do it's job I've been trying semi-successfully to put it on the back burner.  I've been focusing on work, the holidays, our mini-vacation, family and friends.  Anything so I didn't have to think about the fact that another year of trying was passing.  That March is my last chance to get pregnant and have a baby in this brand new year.  That every day it seems like someone else I know is announcing they are expecting.  That people who started trying more than a year AFTER us are holding their babies today.

But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more.  It's small things - like talking to D about a new  potential baby name that I heard and liked.  Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes.  It's not that we don't talk about our struggle.  But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have.  And to try and not let the sadness consume us.  Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.

As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins.  While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart.  I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work.  I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic.  And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle.  Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance.  So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake.  I know it's fear of my heart being broken again.  But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success.  So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....

Where is the line between positivity and realism?  How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?


  1. It's so hard to be positive when it seems like everyone else has what you want. It's a struggle for me everyday to stay positive. I never planned to have IVF in my life, but now it is, and it's up to me how I deal with it. I am cautiously optimistic. I keep planning my life as if I will not be pregnant. I am planning vacations, and other fun things for the year. If I happen to be pregnant, then I can just cancel my plans. If I'm not, I have these great things that are still going to happen.

    Good luck!! xo

  2. That's a good question... I think my norm is to talk in a realistic way with others. A- I don't want anyone to think I'm deliriously hopeful, but I also feel like it's my responsibility to keep everyone's hopes in check. Kind of like I need to guard their hearts. Saying the statistics out loud, reminding myself and others of my friends who have gone through worse, all of that helps keep it all in check. But in the quiet of my own heart, hope always flourishes in the end. No matter the odds or the doubts, by the time I hit transfer, I'm hopeful. It's such a hard balance. Holding out hope for you... this is still a good shot!

  3. I don't think you can... back before we started TTC I proclaimed that I would never do IVF... if it came to it, we would just live Childfree. When I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids, I thought that maybe if I got pregnant and miscarried, I would know how I truly felt about having a baby. Verdict came in, I really did want it! When something means so much to you, unfortunately there's not way to tread lightly. It's high risk and high reward!