I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope.
This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days. As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift.
I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with. Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand.
As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this
This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next.
So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it? Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.