Monday, January 6, 2014

Moving Forward - WTF recap

Well we had our WTF appointment on Friday.  I needed a few days to absorb before I posted about it.  Let's start with the good news - we've been approved to move forward with Feb. cycle.  I'm very grateful for this and I mentioned that if we had to wait I felt that would bring on some major emotional issues for me.  However the appointment with Dr. H. was very hard to stomach.  Overall he provided us with a great deal of information.  He walked through the fertilization process with each of my 5 mature eggs and explained what happened with each of them.  He also gave us more information about my specific protocol as far as the meds and why he made the decisions he did.  He told us that I was on a L6 protocol.  The "L" means we are using Lupron as a suppression drug to keep my body from ovulating.  The number ranges from a 1 - 10.  He started me on a 6 because my elevated FSH level indicated there is a potential issue with my ovarian reserve.  He then provided us with 3 different options.  Basically we could do the same protocol again since it did yield results.  However he informed me that I'm what they call a "poor responder".  Basically they were expecting more eggs and obviously a higher percentage of fertilization than what we got.  So that signals that I most likely have both a quality AND quantity issue.  Ugh.

So the next option he offered was we increase my protocol to a L8.  So we'll add estrogen suppositories into the mix (as estrogen proves helpful with follicles/egg production in "poor responders") and one other fertility drug to hopefully help us get more eggs to better our chances.  The third option he brought up was donor eggs.  As I've spent hours obsessing, researching, and basically absorbing any information related to infertility I wasn't completely shocked by this suggestion.  Although that didn't make it any easier to hear.  I'm just not ready to accept that having a baby that is biologically both me and D is not an option.  Luckily out of the three options my doctor's recommendation was #2 - to try again but with a more aggressive protocol with more drugs.

So this is where we are.  I'm back on birth control and baby aspirin and we'll start with Lupron suppression on Jan. 15th.  That means we'll start Stim drugs on Feb. 3rd.  I've struggled a lot feeling pretty low this weekend.  With the news the doctor gave us it just made me feel like it's all hopeless.  I tried to comfort myself when we first got diagnosed that at least we knew what the issue was with me and it wasn't "unexplained".  But I've come to understand that none of us have it better or easier than anyone else.  We are all facing the same struggle and battle and honestly it just sucks.  So I had myself a pity party this weekend and now I"m forcing myself to shake off the negative and try to be positive.  I know that having a negative, hopeless attitude will not help my chances at all.  (Even though I'm still feeling pretty hopeless).  So I'm going to be grateful for another chance, for science and medicine, and for options.  I feel as if my faith is being put to the ultimate test.  I question why God would do this to us.  But I have to believe there's a bigger purpose and have faith in His plan.  I just pray that this next round is our time.  We are so ready.

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