Thursday, September 4, 2014


Well as you've probably guessed from my radio silence my beta dropped on Tuesday.  It went from 9 to 5.2.  I went back this morning and it was down to 4.7.  I  have to go back again on Monday and hopefully it's down to zero.

I could sit here and tell you all about how I'm not going to give up, how I trust in The Lord and His plan, how I know that we will be parents one day.  But that wouldn't be an honest representation of what I'm feeling right now.  Right now, in this moment, I've lost hope.  I can't help but to question if we will EVER be parents.  That maybe it's God's will for us NOT to be parents.  My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, and I am so very tired.  The weight of this struggle is just too much.  I feel like I am drowning in sorrow.  And there's a part of me that just wants to float to the bottom.

The hardest part of all of this for me is watching D struggle.  It literally tears me apart to see him hurting so badly.  And I can't help but feel responsible.  All I can think of is that he deserves better than this.  I hate that he has to experience this and I'd do ANYTHING to take his pain away.  But it's not something I have the power to do.  

So here we sit.  Childless.  Running out of options.  Running out of money, and definitely running out of hope.  We'll meet with Dr. H tomorrow and see what he has to say.  I know he doesn't have the answers I so desperately seek.  Yes, "normal" embryos have a 70% success rate.  So the odds were in our favor.  But 70% is not 100%.  There are other things that can go wrong and obviously it did.  Could it be my uterus?  We've never had any indication but I'll be asking about running some tests to confirm that before our next transfer for sure.  But the fact of the mater is he can't provide me with a reason or explanation of why this didn't work.  And he can't provide me with a guarantee that the next transfer will work either.  There's no peace to be found.  Honestly there won't be until I hold my baby in my arms (if that day ever comes).

I'm grateful that we still have 2 frozen blasts that tested normal.  That's about all the positivity I can come up with right now.  As I mentioned in an earlier post while I'm SO thankful for my frozen babies it doesn't stop the pain that is associated with this transfer.  It's now 6 babies that we've transferred and lost.  Six.  That seems like more pain than anyone should have to bear.  Three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers, and still nothing.  We won't be able to cycle again until Dec. which is the month that we did our first IVF cycle.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we'd still be in this position at this point in time.  Call it being naive, but through every step of this process I kept thinking it was the last step.  This journey has changed me.  I'm scarred, damaged, broken.  And regardless of if we ever get a baby I will never be the person I was before experiencing this.  Just one more heartbreak to add to the list.


  1. I am so very sorry. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your husband as you grieve this loss and disappointment.

  2. "My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, and I am so very tired." Oh friend, I've certainly said that before. Tired is how I've described the last six months. Yes, I have hope that the next ten or so years will see a child in my arms, but that doesn't mean I have the strength or the endurance needed to get me there. I am oh so tired. And I know you are too.

    Hoping that the appointments can bring some peace or shed some light. Thinking of you!

  3. I am so sorry. I feel your pain and frustration. You are stronger than you think. I've been thinking of you and praying for you and your husband. I hope you can find some peace from your appointments - ask anything and everything! You are your own advocate and you have a right to demand answers and further tests. It's definitely not easy but without hope for the future, life can be pretty bleak. I've been there. I am still hopeful.
    All the very best, stay strong!
    Candy xo

  4. I'm so sorry... we transferred 6 too before we got our 1 that made/is making it. I hope your doctor can give you some of the answers you are looking for.

  5. Hello fellow Elite Level member! Thanks for stopping by my blog. Wow, our stats are so similiar it's eerie. 6 embryos, 1 miscarriage and the last one with CCS testing. My RE's surname also begins with 'H' too! Just so unfair. Infertility is often described as a journey and I've become the whiney child asking "are we there yet?"

  6. I am so sorry to hear this news and to hear how low you are feeling. There are no words, but I'm sending a big hug and lots of positive thoughts and hope for some answers from the doctor.

  7. I am so so sorry for this loss and for all the 6 that you've transferred and lost. I hate that you're losing hope and I send you love and peace that somehow through all of this you and your doctor will figure out the best course to bring those 2 frozen embies home to you. Your in my thoughts. xoxo