Monday, September 15, 2014

The Call

Well in this case it was The Text but the concept was the same.  Just to give you a little background I'm in an out of state wedding on Sept. 27th.  The bride is a close girlfriend that I work with.  We started with our company at the same time and her and I and another girl became very good friends.  They both got relocated with the company but we have stayed in touch and we travel together 3-4 times a year.  Our other girlfriend was married in May.  She is also in the wedding.  I filled the two of them in about our situation in Feb. when I had to miss her bachelorette party due to retrieval for my 2nd IVF.  So they know what's up and are very supportive but respectful of our privacy.  Long story short the wedding is in two weeks and I will pretty much only know the bride and my other girlfriend.  There will most likely be a few other random work people there but that's it.  And we are both bridesmaids so it wasn't a big deal at all.  Well I got the text from my fellow bridesmaid on Saturday night.  It went something like this.....

I have something I need to tell you.  I didn't want to call and spring it on you but I wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant.  I just wanted you to hear it from me and I didn't want to surprise you at the wedding.

So first of all let me just say that I greatly appreciate how sensitive she was to me and also that she did it over text so I could be composed when I responded.  The fact that in the midst of her happiness she was able to think of me and my feelings means so much to me.  And she is a GREAT person and of course will be a wonderful mother.  She deserves this.  And I am happy for her.

But I am so so sad for me.  Right now I'm having a really hard time envisioning surviving this wedding.  And with the fear of showing my selfish ugliness I'm struggling with thoughts of "Why her and not us".  She's been married for 4 months and she's 12 weeks along.  Which basically means first time is a charm for them.  I can not wrap my mind around that.  I am trying my best to fight this battle with grace.  It's not easy for me to be around children.  Honestly it makes me so so sad.  And obviously it's super difficult to be around pregnant women.  I hate that I feel jealous and so unhappy for myself when I should be feeling joy and happiness for them.  And I do,  It's just buried so deep underneath my pain.

After having some time to absorb the news I know that I can (and quite frankly HAVE to) find a way to deal with this.  The fact that she's a fertile myrtle and I am not is not her fault.  Once again I have a lot to be thankful for in my life.  So I'm going to focus on that and do my best to push aside the ugliness.  I have to keep believing that some how, some way, our time will come.


  1. I think you've got it under control... the bitter, jealousy monster that is. If you're at a place where you can say her fertility is no more her fault than your infertility is yours, then you've got your head on straight and your heart in the right place. BUT that doesn't make this easy at all. And some days I'm SO SICK of hard. I just want easy. I feel like we've earned easy, and yet it just keeps being hard. So know that your feelings of jealousy and envy and guilt and anger and whatever else you're feeling are totally justified. And you've got people here who will listed to you and let you cry and rant and do whatever you need to do so that you can attend the wedding radiating grace!

  2. It sounds like this friend was really being sensitive and thoughtful. I think it would be reasonable to tell her you are happy for her, and you're glad she was so thoughful and sensitive and just a great friend, but that it's really hard for you to talk about it, especially with pregnant women, so at the wedding you hope she understands.

  3. It does raise the status of your infertility when you have to be told in a special way, or you have people ask how you are doing after an announcement. Sometimes it doesn't matter how you find out or how gentle others try to be. She's pregnant and you're not. She was a one-hit wonder while you're facing another IVF cycle. It's just so unfair.

  4. Being happy for fertile myrtles while in the depth of our own despair is so very hard. Wishing you strength to get through this wedding. Hugs!