Worries

By now most of you have probably figured out I'm a worrier.  Even in the best situations I can/will find something to worry about.  It's funny because when it comes to friends and family I am a really positive person.  Always being optimistic and supportive, so sure things will work out just fine.  But that's not the case when it comes to my personal "stuff".  I've been wondering lately if I've always been that way or if it's just another way that infertility has changed me.  Whatever the cause, I just can't seem to find my positivity when it comes to this fight.

I stopped taking the PIO shots and the estrogen/progesterone suppositories 8 days ago.  Still no signs of starting my period.  This leads me to believe that I probably have another cyst.  I spoke to Nurse Jenny this morning and she said that if I haven't started by Wed. when we have our WTF appointment that Dr. H. will do an ultrasound during that appointment to check for cysts.  I basically need to start my period by July 18th in order to start BC pills for Aug. cycle.  Why do I feel like that's never going to happen?  Typically getting pushed one month wouldn't be such a big deal.  But our fall is crazy.  I'm in a wedding in a different state at the end of Sept. which is most likely when we would be looking at transfer for Sept. cycle.  Same deal for Oct. - my husband and I are BOTH in a wedding that falls right when we would be looking at retrieval/transfer.  If we were just attending the weddings I'd suck it up and just plan on skipping but that's not really an option when I'm a part of it.  My clinic takes every November off and does not cycle that month so then we'd be looking at Dec.  The thought of doing nothing but waiting until Dec. while my eggs only grow more rotten every day makes me want to jump off a bridge.

Then there's the fact that Dr. H could suggest some sort of surgery or procedure before we move forward.  If that's the case we would also be looking at a delay.  I mean right now I'm only guessing at what his recommended paths will be based on other conversations we've had and the results of the three cycles we've done.  I could be totally off base and he could throw something at us that I've never even thought of.  The worries are endless if I let my mind wander.

There's nothing to do but wait (and worry) until Wednesday actually gets here.

Refreshed

It's amazing what a few days away from the every day struggles will do.  My husband and I just returned from an impromptu long weekend in Mexico to celebrate our anniversary (which landed on Easter Sunday this year).  We booked the trip last minute through our travel agent, who's a family friend, and got a great deal.  I felt a little guilty about spending the money when we've got medical bills piling up and still no baby.  But when push comes to shove I knew it was needed.  We needed the time to reconnect.  I needed the time to get away both physically and mentally from everything we are going through.  Since the miscarriage I've been stuck in a very ugly place.  It had gotten to the point where I barely recognized myself and I definitely didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I'm happy to report that this morning the person I saw was someone I knew.  Our time away was as close to perfect as it can get.  We soaked up the sun and warm weather, drank fruity drinks by the pool, made new friends (that knew nothing about our personal situation), had long intense conversations about every subject under the sun, and lived in the moment with no schedule or timeline.  Mostly importantly we celebrated our anniversary and our relationship.  I know what we have is special but I also know there's days I take it for granted.  I was never one to believe in soul mates, but my thoughts on that have changed since we started down this long road to create a family.  I'm not sure I could do it with anyone other than D.  So we celebrated and as we embark on our next year of marriage I can't help to be hopeful about what it will bring.

With our return to the real world came my appointment to have the cyst drained.  My mom took me to the appointment as D couldn't take another day off of school.  We arrived and they drugged me all up only to find out that the cyst had decreased dramatically in size since the week before.  It was measuring at 55mm on last Tuesday and this Tuesday it was down to 14mm.  It seemed like my body was taking care of the problem on it's own <insert shock and awe that my body was doing something right>.  They are thinking I should start my period in a week or so and that would be plenty of time for us to make it into June cycle.

I'm hoping this is a small sign of the good things that are to come in this next year of marriage and this next cycle.  It's still hard for me to get too excited with only our one little embryo to transfer.  But thanks to our trip away I feel a little bit of my faith, positivity, and hope coming back.  And it's a welcome return.

The Art of Living in the Present

Well I survived the ultrasound yesterday and it was not as traumatic as I thought.  Though I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach, once I got in there it was business as usual.  Dr. H was quick and to the point and it took him only seconds to find the cyst.  Sigh.  The good news is it isn't large enough (yet) to cause me any discomfort.  They are currently getting pre-approval from our insurance company and then we are looking to drain it sometime next week.  They will just go in through my cervix with a catheter and a needle and drain it.  So piece of cake.  The bad news is that it will delay us so that we can't do the FET until June cycle.  

I've been such a Debby Downer lately struggling with our failed attempts, the medical bills that are piling up, all the unknowns of the future and all of the hard choices that lay ahead of us.  After my pity party today (as I wrote out $3000 in checks for medical bills) I finally just had enough of myself.  I decided to start living in the present.  I remember last June thinking that I better enjoy the summer because we could have a baby, or at the very least I'd be pregnant by this time next year.  And here we are with the summer in our sites and I, obviously, do not have a baby and am not pregnant.  However, I'm going to force myself to live in the present and enjoy where we are right now.  My husband and I will be celebrating our anniversary on April 20th (Easter Sunday) and booked a last minute get away.  When we return back home our sand volleyball league will be starting, we'll be getting our boat ready, and Memorial Day will be here before we know it (one of my favorite holidays on the lake).  Life goes on and my plan is to enjoy what each day brings.  I know myself well enough to know that there will be days when the sadness creeps in and probably even some where it over takes me.  But even though we are struggling with infertility I don't want to let it define me.  We are blessed in many other ways and it's time I start remembering that.