Yet to Come

It's here again. Merry Christmas my dear, sweet friends. It makes my heart so happy to know that so many of you are celebrating this year feeling more complete, with more hope, than you were last year. And while I am so inspired by those of you who manage this journey with grace and unwavering positivity I started this blog to be true to myself and hopefully help other women who are feeling the same as me know they are not alone. 

This has not been an easy holiday for us. It's the 1 year anniversary from our first IVF cycle (BFN) and 3 fresh cycles and 4 transfers later we are struggling with the same feelings and questions. The adorable Christmas cards, the excited squeals of children big and small. It's seems Christmas time is over flowing with constant reminders of the giant hole in my heart. Which always leads me back to the question "Will that ever be us?"  

We are so blessed to be celebrating our second Christmas with my (younger) brother in law and his sweet girlfriend. She and her son have been a wonderful addition to our family. They've taken their relationship slow integrating her son into our family. This is the first major holiday we've gotten to spend with him and it's amazing how much joy and laughter he has brought. And while I adore him it's been so hard to see the longing in my husbands eyes as he plays on the floor with him and his trains.  It's been difficult to watch my beloved mother in law bloom in the roll of grandma. Knowing I haven't, and maybe never will, be able to give her that gift. 

And while my heart is feeling battered and bruised I know I have much to be thankful for. Toping the list is my amazing husband, family and friends. So today o will be thankful for what I do have and know in my heart that the best is yet to come. 

Merry Christmas Friends! 

A Time of Peace

I logged in to check blogs today and was bombarded by good news.  A donor embryo match for one friend, a graduation to her OB for another.  And a long awaited transfer for a very special girl.  As I was reading all of the good news I felt so full of hope.  For these beautiful, strong women.  For myself.  I haven't had that feeling in quite a while.  2014 has been a rough one for me, but for many of my blog friends it's been the year they've been waiting for.  And while I've struggled with my faith, my hope, and my perseverance this year the success my friends have found continues to fill me.  Their strength motivates me to not give up.  And their grace makes me want to be a better person.  So thank you to all of the strong, amazing women of this community.  For being my strength and my hope when I couldn't find my own.  With the holidays quickly approaching (which we all know is NOT an easy time) I am surprised to find myself at peace with our situation.  No, 2014 was not our year.  But 2015 just might be.

Will the Waiting Ever End

Hello blog world.  I am still here.  I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you.  But my story seems to be on pause.  I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot.  I did not get the news I wanted to hear.  While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe.  Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry.  And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer.  So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost.  You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays.  And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March.  Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET.  March.

That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.

Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly.  But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting.  This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis.  I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer.  But my heart is so ready for this to be over.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines.  Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes.  Tired of feeling broken.

I know I just have to continue to push forward.  To take each day as it comes and get through it.  I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March.  So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time.  But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.

And what a depressing post this has become.  So let's think about some positives.  I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR!  So I know that the month of December will fly by.  We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to.  (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!).  I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!).  And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe.  For now, that will be enough.