Torture

This is my fifth embryo transfer.  I'm not exactly what you would call a newbie. Having been through it 4 other times I was fully aware how awful the wait until beta would be. You'd think it would get easier or I'd be more prepared. But that's not the case. It seems this has been the hardest of the 2ww's for me.

I'll back up to transfer since I never posted about that. It went as well as we could have hoped for.  My lining looked great and my bladder was perfectly full. My clinic is using some new catheters for transfers and it was a straight shot that resulted in perfect placement according to my RE. I laid flat for 20 min afterwards and then D and I headed home. Our transfer wasn't until almost 3pm in the afternoon. Once we finally got home I was feeling pretty sleepy from the Valium and slept for basically the rest of the day and night. 

I stayed home from work the next day and spent it in bed just watching movies and relaxing. I got up to make my meals and go to the bathroom but that was it. I finally showered around dinner time after it had been 24 hours since transfer.  The next day I worked from home relaxing on the couch. I did have an acupuncture appointment as well and then ran a few errands before coming home and spending the night watching movies with D. The rest of the weekend I resumed normal activities except for working out. I did go on a couple short walks. 

That being said mentally I'm suffering. I've been trying so hard to stay positive but it is just so hard. I've had cramping basically every day after transfer day. I'm currently 4dp5dt so the embryo(s) should have implanted by now if they were going to.  I've had no sign of implantation bleeding (I did have this with my early miscarriage pregnancy). I've felt a little nauseous but with it being so early I think it's safe to say that's nerves. My boobs are bigger and I've been having a tingly feeling but they aren't painful and with the amount of progesterone I'm pumping in me that can be accounted for. 

I had a mini breakdown today to D where I just couldn't stop crying.  I broke down and consulted Dr Google and was actually comforted by reading other girls who had lots of cramping and got BFP. I've also been bloated and gassy but I know that's a side effect of the progesterone too. 

So that's where I am.  I'm driving myself crazy, and filled with worry but trying really hard to stay positive. My bets is 8 days after 5 day transfer which seems REALLY soon.  Especially since our transfer was late afternoon and my beta will be first thing that morning. I'm not going to test at home obviously since the beta is so early. If by some miracle I get a positive I thought I might test over the weekend as I wait for beta 2 just to hopefully ease my worries of it increasing. 

Here's the thoughts I keep repeating to myself when I'm overwhelmed with doubt. 

1. We transferred 2 day 5 blasts that were genetically normal on day 3 and continued to grow. Although after talking to CCRM about the day 3 testing I know it can damage the embryos. The fact that these two made it to blast is a good sign they weren't damaged. 

2.  We completed the 2 months of Lupron depot and I had 2 fibroids removed via my hysteroscopy. Technically my uterus *should* be in the best condition that it's ever been. 

3. I added acupuncture, supplements, and tried to eat as clean as possible. I cut alcohol and caffeine over a month prior to transfer. I've taken my meds religiously and haven't messed up adose or forgotten anything. I feel like I did everything I could to ensure success. 

Now all there is left to do is wait and pray. 

The Day.

Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope. 

This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days.  As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift. 

 

I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with.  Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand. 

As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this 

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next. 

So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it?  Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.  

Only one way to know

I had my cycle day 9 blood work and ultrasound this morning.  I woke up feeling pretty good but the closer I got to the clinic the  more nervous I got.  They must have a big cycle this month because it was busy even right at 8am this morning and I waited a LONG time for my ultrasound.  So long in fact that when the doctor finally got into my exam room my bladder had filled up and she made me go and empty it so she could get a better image.  Envision me darting to the bathroom with the paper cover wrapped around me like a toga.  Seriously I've lost any sense of modesty I had a long time ago, so whatever.  Take 2 for the ultrasound and everything looked "perfect"  My endometrium looked "beautiful" and my lining was measuring at 8mm.  While this is obviously great news it makes me.....uncomfortable when they use words like perfect and beautiful.  Mostly I think because it raises your expectations of the chances of success.  They've used these words before and here I am on transfer #5 so obviously it's no guarantee.  But definitely better than the alternative so we'll go with it.
Tonight we start the PIO injections in addition to the estrogen I'll do tonight and Tuesday night.  Transfer is set for Wednesday and they scheduled  me in the afternoon.  I have the whole day off from work so I'm looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing before we head in.  I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Tues. evening and then Friday morning.  I'll be on bed rest the day after transfer.  And that, my friends, is the plan.

My feelings are pretty much all over the board.  I'm definitely excited and hopeful about the transfer.  But I'm also terrified.  I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to survive this 2ww.  It just seems unimaginable.  And of course then my head goes to how I'm going to cope if we aren't successful.  It's sounds so terrifying to me it almost makes me not want to go through with it.  But I know that I'm stronger than I think I am.  I've proved that to myself over and over again.  I know the world will not end if this transfer doesn't work.  Our journey of trying to have a baby won't even end.  It will just be extended.  Sigh.  While I'm so ready for it to be over and hopeful that this is IT, there's only one way to know.  So...Wednesday.  Let's do this.

Giving Thanks

Wow what a week.  Some are just harder than others and last week was definitely one of those for me for several reason.  First off you all know my amazing friend Amanda.  Stop over and send her some love or say a quick prayer for her and Sam.  It breaks me that her beautiful, amazing heart is broken right now.  I wish there was a way for me to shoulder some of her pain.  But since there's not I ask you to keep them in your prayers and I'll be praying she feels comforted with all of the love we are sending her way.  She is at the top of my list of things I'm thankful for as I'm not sure I could make it down this rocky road without her.

Next on my list is the rest of you beautiful women.  Thanks to everyone who shot me an email, message, or comment to let me know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these fears.  It helps so much to know that I'm not alone.  And it's easy to get overwhelmed in the middle of the night when everything seems so.....well, overwhelming.  D doesn't follow my blog.  He feels like this is my place to air my feelings, vent and basically release.  I often read him your posts and some of mine if I think he'd enjoy it or if it helps to communicate something specific that I'm struggling with.  We talked about my post and of course he said exactly what I needed to hear.  He told me that he loves me for the person that I am and that nothing will change that.  He told me he'd pick me again, every time, even knowing that we'd have to fight this battle.  Most importantly he said that no matter what lengths we have to go to, or the cost, we WILL be parents someday.  God, I love this man 1000 times over.  Thank you Lord for bringing him to me.

Lastly I'm thankful for some good news on this Monday morning.  I had blood work this morning to see how my estrogen level was doing and to re-check my thyroid since I started on the medicine.  My TSH came in at 1.62 today!  (Remember my research showed between 1-2 is the ideal level).  So that is really great news.  They bumped my E2V dosage just a tiny bit and I'll do another injection of that tomorrow.  Then we'll re-check everything again on Friday and make adjustments for that evening injection.  We are on track for transfer next week.  Next week people!!  EEKKK!

Also based on all of your feedback and suggestions from this post I've added L-Arginine, Zinc, and the Omega 3 Fish Oil pills to my daily list.  The clinic has me on a baby aspirin, dexamethasone, the thyroid med, and my prescription prenatal.  I'm still doing the Lupron injections in the morning as well to keep me suppressed.  I've been doing pretty well with the clean eating (okay I had Coldstone Creamery on Sunday....it was a weak moment), and of course no alcohol or caffeine (decaf coffee is for the birds!) and I've been working out 5-6 days a week.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good! While on one hand I am SO ready for this transfer, on the other I'm really struggling with the concept of surviving the 2ww.  We all know how terrible it is and this just feels.....bigger for some reason.  I guess just because there's so much on the line.  If this doesn't work yes we are heading to CCRM but starting from scratch there it will be a long time before we are in a position to cycle again.  I'm so blessed that thanks to us saving our butts off and an amazing bonus check from my work we are in a position financially to move forward right away.  Add that onto my list of things I'm thankful for as well!  So, for now, I'm going to NOT think about CCRM.  I'm going to focus on this transfer in front of us, our two beautiful frozen embryos, and the fact that we know we've done everything in our power to make this a success.

Wordless Wednesday

(Acupuncture) 

The Shades of Gray

Okay get your mind out of the gutter.  This is NOT a post about 50 Shades of Gray.  (although I'll admit to reading the books and could probably write a pretty entertaining post about them!)  It's about the shades of gray that lie between black and white.  And opinions that vary between experts.

I think I mentioned to all of you that my clinic has a new doctor.  I'm excited about this for a couple reasons.  #1 - she's a woman.  I like this.  #2 - she provides a fresh perspective to my case.  As most of you know we had a phone consult with CCRM and if the outcome of this next FET (with our last 2 frozen embryos) is not successful we will be packing our bags for Colorado.  However, since we still have the 2 embryos we opted to see them through first, before moving on to a new clinic.

That being said, it was great timing when Dr. Emmi joined our clinic.  I had a bad moment when Nurse Jenny informed me that I needed to re-do ALL of my initial testing since it has been 18 months since I started at the clinic.  That was hard to hear.  Obviously I fully envisioned at least graduating from the clinic by this point, if not holding our baby in my arms. (oh how naive I was!).  But since that's obviously not the case we went ahead and took the 8 tubes of blood for all of the consultation tests.  When we did this the first time the only number I was informed of was my FSH since it was elevated.  They told me that the rest of my levels came back within the normal range and I never pressed for the exact numbers.  This time I got the call that my thyroid level was a little high and they wanted to re-test it to determine if Dr. Emmi would treat me for that during cycle.  I did some research and came up with mixed results (shocking I know).  Basically you aren't considered to have hypothyroidism (under active) unless your TSH levels are over 5.5. However there is an ongoing controversy among RE's and more and more of the experts are proclaiming that the normal range needs to be revised to .3 to 3.0.  After reading all of this information I was anxious to get retested if only so I could find out how "high" my level was.  I went in this morning for the blood draw and Nurse Jenny told me that my TSH from last week came back at 3.2.  She confirmed that Dr. H just wanted to see levels under 4, but Dr. Emmi wanted to see them under 3.  Interesting.

Now we wait to see what the re-test comes back as.  Jenny seemed to think if it was under 3.0 she won't treat me but if it's over that, even in slightest, she will most likely put me on meds.  Either way it's refreshing to have that new perspective and feel as if someone is really examining my case.

I start suppression meds next week and then we'll really get this party started.  I'm so looking forward to crossing off the days until transfer.  No I don't ENJOY giving myself shots but at least it feels like we are doing something more than waiting.  Our last transfer (which resulted in a chemical) was in Aug.  In some ways that feels SO long ago and in others I'm shocked that it's been 5 months.  Now that the wait is almost over I'm glad that we did the procedures and the Lupron Depot.  I'm hopeful that my body will be in the best condition for this transfer.  And I'm praying that  9 months from now I'll be holding one (or both!) of those little embryos in my arms.

Protecting my Heart

As we inch closer and closer to March I'm slowly allowing myself to start focusing on TTC again.  For the last few months I've done a decent job of avoiding it.  I'm sure you all know that the thoughts/fear/worries/sadness is always there, in the back of your mind.  But since we've been on a holding pattern as we waited to see if the Lupron Depot would do it's job I've been trying semi-successfully to put it on the back burner.  I've been focusing on work, the holidays, our mini-vacation, family and friends.  Anything so I didn't have to think about the fact that another year of trying was passing.  That March is my last chance to get pregnant and have a baby in this brand new year.  That every day it seems like someone else I know is announcing they are expecting.  That people who started trying more than a year AFTER us are holding their babies today.

But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more.  It's small things - like talking to D about a new  potential baby name that I heard and liked.  Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes.  It's not that we don't talk about our struggle.  But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have.  And to try and not let the sadness consume us.  Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.

As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins.  While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart.  I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work.  I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic.  And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle.  Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance.  So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake.  I know it's fear of my heart being broken again.  But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success.  So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....

Where is the line between positivity and realism?  How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?

Baby Mama

Last night as I was flipping through the channels (and avoiding The Bachelor because D and I watch it together and he had a school board meeting) I stumbled upon the movie Baby Mama.  You know this one - Tiny Fey tries to have a baby on her own only to find out she has a T shaped uterus so she opts to go the surrogacy route.  Amy Poehler becomes her surrogate which leads into a funny story line about a not so bright woman who is in it for the money and doesn't understand that you have to wait 2 weeks to test.  She tests immediately and it's negative.  She then sets out to pull a fast one on Tina Fey pretending she's pregnant so she can get the cash.  But then halfway through she finds out she really is pregnant and it might be Tina's or it may be her common law husband's.  Long story short the baby ends up NOT being Tina Fey's but she miraculous becomes pregnant on her own even though her RE gave her a 1 in a million odds.  

This is a movie I would have found hilarious 2 years ago.  Honestly even after all I've been through the past year and a half I still found it funny.  Which I guess is a tribute to how far I've come.  I think 6-9 months ago I would have burst into tears and completely lost my shit over this.  Today though I could appreciate the fact that the movie IS generating awareness of infertility and some of the struggles Tina was going through in the beginning of the movie before the surrogate entered the picture were pretty accurate.  However the one part that did bother me was her miraculous pregnancy.   This is only fueling the fire for those (uneducated) people out there who say all of those terrible things that make us want to poke our eyes out (just relax, take a vacation, maybe you should adopt then you'll get pregnant!).  Because in real life it just doesn't work that way.  Okay, once in a great while maybe.  And I'm all about the power of prayer and I do believe that God works miracles.  I know He does.  But with so many of us struggling to conceive we can't ALL be the one who miraculously gets pregnant.  Our miracles come in the forms of IUI, IVF, donor eggs and embryos, surrogates, and adoption matches.  There is no cure to infertility.  Nothing we can do that immediately equals our bodies healing themselves and poof - baby on board.  I know that some of us have been fighting this battle for YEARS.  And it's through blood, sweat, tears, pain, and heartache that we build our families.  And in a funny way even though I couldn't be closer to having a baby of my own I'm proud of the battles scars.  One day (I have to believe there WILL be a one day) I'll be a better parent.  One day I will teach my child about the extremes we went through to get him or her.  One day I will raise a person who won't be the one to ever make those comments that make us want to claw our eyes out.  I can't wait until that day.  

A positive sign

No, not THE positive sign (as in a positive pregnancy test) but a step in right direction.  I had my follow up appointment today from my second month of the Lupron Depo shot.  I think I mentioned that we recently got a new RE at my clinic.  I met her just briefly during my followup hysteroscopy after the 1 month of Lupron Depo and it was her call to have me go another month.  So it wasn't exactly a great first impression.  However this time it went much better.  We only did an ultrasound but she explained to me on the screen what they were looking for.  She said the inflammation would cause shading or darkening which she wasn't seeing any.  My lining was at a 6 which she said was good for being suppressed (I believe it was at a 9 last time).  There were some other things she pointed out that kind of went over my head but her exact words were "You uterus actually looks really good!".  I will take that.  She put me right back on birth control pills to keep me suppressed until I start my FET protocol which will be in Feb.  We are looking at a transfer the second week in March.

I feel so relieved that the injections did their job and we can move forward.  My friend told me the other day that from our conversations she felt like I'd already written off the March transfer.  After some reflection she may have been right.  I think I was just trying to prepare myself for another delay or even worse news.  And while I do have CCRM all squared away and we are ready to move forward with them if this transfer doesn't work, I am beginning to have some hope for this last shot.  I have two pretty highly graded day 5 embryos left.  I also got the okay to transfer both.  My former RE was not on board with transferring more than one since we did have genetic testing done and that supposedly increased our chance of success significantly.  Well, after talking with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM and learning that the genetic testing we did has the potential to damage the embryos I feel strongly about transferring both.  Even if by some miracle both implant D and I feel fully ready to happily take on a twin pregnancy.  I've talked to several of you who have experienced them and feel prepared.  It just feels like the right decision.  If this transfer doesn't work out then I am emotionally, financially, and physically ready to move on to CCRM.  (Please God let that not be necessary).

So that's a quick update.  On a random side note I'm not sure I've shared here that my nurse at the clinic completed her first cycle of IVF in Oct.  She's currently 14 weeks pregnant.   Her husband actually had a blockage so their issue was with him.  They were able to go in and extract the sperm for the embryos and she got pregnant on the first cycle.  I'll be honest when I found out I was a little bitter.  One and done - can you imagine?  But once I had a few minutes to think about it my bitterness went away.  I was still sad for US but happy for her.  No matter what your fertility treatment or how quickly you find success this is a hardship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I asked her how it was going breaking the news to her other patients and she said not well at all.  I would imagine it to be a very difficult conversation to have but considering she's already started showing (she was very thin before) not really something she can ignore.

Anyway just wanted to send out a happy update!  It feels like a long time since I've had any personal good news to share.

Will the Waiting Ever End

Hello blog world.  I am still here.  I am still reading and following and cheering and praying for all of you.  But my story seems to be on pause.  I had my 1 month follow up from the Lupron Depo shot.  I did not get the news I wanted to hear.  While the inflammation has improved the doctor decided to do another month just to be safe.  Now logically I realize that it's ALWAYS better safe than sorry.  And I most definitely want my body to be in the best possible condition for transfer.  So, while my mind knows this is the right thing to do I can't help but feeling so......lost.  You see my clinic is cycling at the end of Jan. due to the holidays.  And since Feb. is a short month they aren't having a cycle in Feb. just early March.  Which means we'll have to wait until March for our FET.  March.

That.  Feels.  Like.  Forever.

Once again, logically I know the time will go quickly.  But emotionally I feel like I can not take one more second of waiting.  This month marks a year since our first IVF cycle and a year and a half since our diagnosis.  I know there's so many of you who struggled for much longer.  But my heart is so ready for this to be over.  I'm tired of waiting.  Tired of watching everyone else get pregnant and have babies while I sit on the sidelines.  Tired of seeing the hurt and want in my husband's eyes.  Tired of feeling broken.

I know I just have to continue to push forward.  To take each day as it comes and get through it.  I'm trying to convince myself that this IS going to work in March.  So I can hold out until then because it will finally be our time.  But that's so hard to believe after everything we've been through.

And what a depressing post this has become.  So let's think about some positives.  I have exactly 10 days of work left for the YEAR!  So I know that the month of December will fly by.  We are heading to Nashville with two other couples at the end of December so that's a nice get away to look forward to.  (PS - I <3 NASHVILLE!).  I survived Thanksgiving without any major meltdowns (yeah me!).  And the freezing cold Midwest weather means lots of snuggle time in front of the fire with D and the sweet baby girl Chloe.  For now, that will be enough.

The Journey

This past month I have been contacted by a couple people that are new to this world of infertility.  And upon their requests I've tried to help them start to navigate their own personal journeys.  This has proved to be a very difficult job for me.  What do you tell someone that is just starting out?  I know there's a lot of people who have been on this road longer than I have.  And I know others who's path has been more rocky.  That being said after three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers (looking at number 5), one early  miscarriage, and one chemical pregnancy I feel as if I am a Veteran.  I know this process has changed me.  And I look back at some of my early blog posts and I barely recognize that girl so full of hope, so naive, and so utterly clueless about what was yet to come.

How do you educate someone without scaring them?  How are you honest about what to expect without crushing their hopes?  These have been tough questions for me.  The the last thing I want to do is to scare or deflate someones hope, but there is part of me that wished someone would have sat me down and told me what to expect.  Not only about the tests, the drugs, the side effects, the appointments, the timing.  But that this process is HARD.  Not only emotionally, but physically.  It's hard on your brain, and your heart.  Hard on your friendships and your marriage.  Hard on your spirit.

How do you prepare someone to constantly feel like they are being tested, judged, and deemed not worthy.  That late at night as they lay in bed unable to sleep (whether it's from one of the many drugs or just from regular old worry) you'll wonder if it's truly just not meant to be.  That after every failed cycle you will question your doctor, your faith, yourself.  That once you know (or accept) that there's a problem or issue it quickly consumes you.  And reminders that never used to cause you to blink will become all you see.  

How do you tell someone the pain that goes hand in hand with being left behind.  Undoubtedly along this journey there will be others who reach YOUR goal before you do.  Family members, friends, co-workers, even perfect strangers.  And each time you hear that news it feels like a piece of your heart is chipped away.

These are the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to compose an email back to one of these sweet girls.  And suddenly it hit me.  That although I think all of us can say that we've experienced most, if not all, of what I outlined above there's something else that I know, without a doubt, that we all experience.  And that's the strength to go on.  To keep trying.  To never give up.  So instead of telling her about the potential heartache, the stress, the pain, and the worry that lay ahead of her, I told her that she is strong.  Stronger than even she herself knows.  And that her strength will be tested.  But she WILL survive.  No matter where this path takes her there is a destination and she needs to focus on that and believe that she will get there.  I didn't sugar coat it.  I didn't tell her everything will be alright.  Because there will be days when it's not I can almost guarantee.  I simply told her that she has what it takes to get through.  I hope that is enough.

Another Month

Happy Halloween everyone. Another month has past. I haven't written much lately because there just hasn't been anything to say. We've had so many exciting things happening in our community the last few months. And I am absolutely thrilled about that. I have been so filled with hope and so thankful for the amazing miracles that have been happening. However here I am still not pregnant, still no baby, still waiting. Not very exciting and I kind of feel like a broken record. 

Yesterday would have been my due date from my first positive cycle. I mostly just felt numb all day. It's hard to believe that if I wouldn't have miscarried we would be parents right now. Hard to believe because in this moment that seems SO far away. It's also hard not to feel sad today. As I see all of the little cuties dressed up for the holiday I can't help but wonder if we will EVER have our own little one to dress up in adorable costumes and hold my hand as we walk from house to house. Right now it just feels like we are never going to get there. 

On a positive note my side effects from the Lupron Depot haven't been terrible. Headaches and some hot flashes but I can't really complain. I just pray it's doing what it's supossed to. I don't go back for the follow up hysteroscopy until the week of thanksgiving. If everything is looking good then we'll be cleared for transfer in Jan. If my uterus is still inflamed he could do another shot and we'll have more waiting. 

January feels so far away even though I know the time will go fast especially with the holidays. And considering what a crappy year 2014 has been for us I'm a little glad we aren't cycling until 2015. I can only hope and pray it will be our year for a baby of our own. 

So I'm here. Just waiting. Your blogs and good news keep me going on days when I want to give up. So thank you my sweet girls for simply being you and willing to share your stories.  

Roller Coaster

This week has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.  Thanks to all of you who reached out with advice or to check and see how the consult with Dr. Schoolcraft went.  I can honestly say I was pleasantly surprised.  I think I had prepared myself for the worse based on everyone's input.  I'm not sure if I caught him on a good day or if I just pumped him up to be SO harsh in my mind that he couldn't live up to it :)  Either way I'm happy to report back that he was very helpful and patient with us.  As many of you had warned me he wouldn't talk protocol with me at all.  But he did say based on my file he felt "optimistic" that he could help us.  Obviously that opinion will be influenced by my ODW (one day workup) and the results of the tests CCRM would run.  He did say that for us he'd like to also run the Beta-3 Integrin test as well as Karyotype (Chromosome Analysis) for both D and myself.  For me the main thing (and most disturbing) that I got out of the conversation was his explanation of their genetic testing.  At CCRM they do CCS testing on your embryos on day 5.  Then they are frozen and your transfer is a FET.  At my local clinic when we did genetic testing with our last cycle they took the biopsies on Day 3 and we had the results on Day 5 for a fresh transfer.  It was nice not to have to wait another month for transfer but the information that Dr. Schoolcraft shared with me on the Day 3 testing was very concerning.  He basically said when you choose a cell to biopsy on Day 3 the embryos are only composed of between 6-8 cells.  And there's no way to distinguish between the cells that are going to be the baby and the cells that will develop into the placenta.  If they end up taking one of the cells that is destined to be the baby then they are FATALLY damaging the embryo.  Yeah, you read that right.  What this means for us is our grade 1 "perfect" embryo that we transferred last cycle very well could have been damaged due to the testing.  And the two remaining that we have frozen could be the same story.  Wow.

Now while obviously I was VERY upset by this, the small silver lining (if I'm forced to find one) is I was certain there must be something seriously wrong with me in my uterus for our genetically normal grade 1 embryo not to result in a pregnancy.  But basically Dr. S was saying that he thinks it was the damage from the biopsy.  Which also explains why two of our "normal" embryos never developed to the blastocyst stage and arrested.  At CCRM they do their genetic testing on day 5 when the embryo consists of around 60 cells and the outer ones are clearly visible as the "placenta" cells.  He backed this logic up with a series of studies that were done by an independent company.  Ouch.

We wrapped up the conversation by him recommending that we move forward with transferring our two remaining embryos and to call to schedule my ODW if that cycle is unsuccessful.  Which brings me to meeting #2 of this week.  My post-op follow up with Dr. H  from my hysteroscopy at my local clinic.

I thought a lot about what to say (or not to say) to Dr. H. regarding what I had learned from CCRM.  I ultimately decided not to bring up the genetic testing with him.  1.  What's done is done.  2.  I'm sure he has his own studies and logic about why they would do testing on day 3, and honestly no matter what he told me I wasn't going to buy it.  I recognize that there's still a good chance that they biopsied a "placenta" cell in our 2 frozen embies and if that was the case then they would be "normal" embryos that could result in a pregnancy and God willing our take home baby.  However if this cycle is unsuccessful we've already decided to move forward with CCRM as soon as possible.

So when I met with Dr. H he showed me the pictures from my hysteroscopy of the two small fibroids he found and removed.  This part I was prepared for because he had told me about them right after the procedure.  The part I wasn't prepared for was him to tell me that there was "inflammation" in my uterus.  Based on that he wants to throw me into menopause for a month using  a Lupron Depo injection.  So all those thoughts from the night before about how it might not be my uterus went out the window.  On top of that obviously a month of menopause would push our transfer from Dec. to Jan.  Sigh.  I realize in the big scheme of things one month is nothing.  But it's still hard to swallow.

I've talked to a couple other girls who have gone down this path with the Lupron Depo and both were successful in their next transfers.  I'd be interested to hear from the rest of you if you have any thoughts or input.

So roller coaster of emotions.  I'm just trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

I Will Always Wonder

Today is National Infant and Pregnancy Loss Day.  As I sit here with tears streaming down my face trying to decide what to write I am overwhelmed.  Today I honor and mourn so much loss.  All of the embryos from my 3 IVF cycles.  The 5 embryos that we transferred that didn't implant.  The 1 that tried so hard, but couldn't make it.  And finally the 1 that I carried for 7 short weeks.  My due date for that sweet baby is just 15 days away.  How fitting that it fall in the month of October when we participant in not only this day, but Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness Month.  

It's hard not to wonder about all of the babies I have lost, especially the one I carried the longest.  For those short weeks I spoke to that child endlessly.  I hoped, and planned, and celebrated and worried.  And I dreamed.  Oh how I dreamed of holding that child.  Touching his sweet face, or her perfect lips.  Seeing my husband hold him or her in his arms and finally see the hurt disappear from his eyes.  But for us and so many other couples our dream, our miracle, ended in heart break.  1 in 4 couples experience miscarriage or the loss of an infant or child.  No, we are not alone.  

In honor of all of our lost babies I encourage you to light a candle tonight between 7 and 8 and participate in the worldwide Wave of Light.  

The Back Up Plan

If you've been following my blog for a while most of you have figured out that I'm a girl who loves a plan.  Not only plan A, but I prefer to have plan B and C on the back burner ready to go.  I know some people view this as being a pessimist and I've even had people say that looking beyond and planning for the next cycle could negatively affect the outcome of my current cycle.  But for me it eases my anxiety to know in my mind what our next step will be.  It gives me hope to know that we can/will keep moving forward regardless.  That being said I am praying so hard that this FET in December results in our take home baby.  I am NOT discounting this cycle and am hopeful that our prayers will be answered.  But it's my nature to look ahead which is why we have our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM tonight.  

I think I am as prepared as I can be for our meeting.  I have my list of questions and also the knowledge not to really expect any answers at this point.  I've basically come to terms with the fact that this is the first step of many IF we decide to/have to go down this road. 

Tomorrow we have our post-op meeting with Dr. H from my hysteroscopy.  I looked and realized that I never posted about our phone conversation a couple days after surgery.  He informed me he did find and remove two small fibroids during the hysteroscopy.  He biopsied both of them and they came back fine.  While I have a small amount of hope that removing them and cleaning out my uterus could help, I've definitely learned enough to know that I don't think they were the real cause of our issues.  For now I'm looking forward to getting a fresh perspective on our case and hoping for the best.  Big thanks to Jessah  and Aubrey for their CCRM insight!  

Thoughts and prayers with Allison, her family, and baby Rowen.  And please throw out an extra prayer for my sweet Amanda and Suzanne who both have exciting events happening this week!  Sending you both love and support.  

No news is good news?

Is no news good news?  I think that is generally the rule but when you are in the land of IF no news just seems to equal anxiety.  I had my hysteroscopy on Wednesday.  I believe all went well.  I vaguely remember Dr. H. coming in to talk to me as I was waking up from anesthesia.  He said all went well.  He did actually go out and talk to D in the waiting room.  But D (being a man) didn't have a lot of information for me.  Dr. H explained before the procedure that he would take 3 biopsies from the general area of implantation.  If for some reason he found something unexpected he would take action and take several more biopsies.  He communicated to D that he just took the three as planned.  We won't get the results from those biopsies until Monday.  I did send him an email yesterday afternoon asking for a recap of the procedure.  He promises to get back to you within 24 hours so I should have some confirmation by this afternoon.

Providing he didn't find anything during the procedure I believe our plan is for a FET in early December.  We do have a phone consult set up with Dr. Schoolcraft from CCRM on Oct. 14th.  We've had our records sent over, completed all of the online surveys and forms and are all set.  I'm anxious to see what he has to say about our case.  Any of you CCRMer's I'd love to hear from you so I know what to expect during the initial phone consult.

So outside of that it's just normal life.  I have started to write a couple posts and realized I just don't have much to say.  Sadly the fight has become the norm for me.  While I still struggle with all of the feelings that go along with infertility (guilt, sadness, pain, anger, etc. etc). I've basically gotten used to it.  There's good days when I think of our two beautiful frozen embryos and I'm filled with hope.  And there's bad days when I feel like I will NEVER be pregnant and this fight will never end.  But I guess as I'm back in The Waiting Room it's one day at a time.

If you have a few seconds today hop on over and visit my girl Amanda and give her some love.  It's one of those hard days for her and we've all been there.

Even though I haven't had much to say I'm still checking in with each of you everyday and following along.  It brings me so much comfort to know I'm not alone and there's so many wonderful women I can turn to that truly understand what I'm going through and are always there for me.  I'm so grateful for each and every one of you.

Understanding

Well as you've probably guessed from my radio silence my beta dropped on Tuesday.  It went from 9 to 5.2.  I went back this morning and it was down to 4.7.  I  have to go back again on Monday and hopefully it's down to zero.

I could sit here and tell you all about how I'm not going to give up, how I trust in The Lord and His plan, how I know that we will be parents one day.  But that wouldn't be an honest representation of what I'm feeling right now.  Right now, in this moment, I've lost hope.  I can't help but to question if we will EVER be parents.  That maybe it's God's will for us NOT to be parents.  My heart is broken, my spirit is crushed, and I am so very tired.  The weight of this struggle is just too much.  I feel like I am drowning in sorrow.  And there's a part of me that just wants to float to the bottom.

The hardest part of all of this for me is watching D struggle.  It literally tears me apart to see him hurting so badly.  And I can't help but feel responsible.  All I can think of is that he deserves better than this.  I hate that he has to experience this and I'd do ANYTHING to take his pain away.  But it's not something I have the power to do.  

So here we sit.  Childless.  Running out of options.  Running out of money, and definitely running out of hope.  We'll meet with Dr. H tomorrow and see what he has to say.  I know he doesn't have the answers I so desperately seek.  Yes, "normal" embryos have a 70% success rate.  So the odds were in our favor.  But 70% is not 100%.  There are other things that can go wrong and obviously it did.  Could it be my uterus?  We've never had any indication but I'll be asking about running some tests to confirm that before our next transfer for sure.  But the fact of the mater is he can't provide me with a reason or explanation of why this didn't work.  And he can't provide me with a guarantee that the next transfer will work either.  There's no peace to be found.  Honestly there won't be until I hold my baby in my arms (if that day ever comes).

I'm grateful that we still have 2 frozen blasts that tested normal.  That's about all the positivity I can come up with right now.  As I mentioned in an earlier post while I'm SO thankful for my frozen babies it doesn't stop the pain that is associated with this transfer.  It's now 6 babies that we've transferred and lost.  Six.  That seems like more pain than anyone should have to bear.  Three fresh IVF cycles, 4 transfers, and still nothing.  We won't be able to cycle again until Dec. which is the month that we did our first IVF cycle.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we'd still be in this position at this point in time.  Call it being naive, but through every step of this process I kept thinking it was the last step.  This journey has changed me.  I'm scarred, damaged, broken.  And regardless of if we ever get a baby I will never be the person I was before experiencing this.  Just one more heartbreak to add to the list.

9

So Beta number one today came in at a 9.  Sigh.  Knowing we were testing at 8dp5dt I knew it would be low.  But my research indicated that somewhere between a 30-40 would have been average.  I was hoping for something closer to 50 for some reassurance.  Obviously that didn't happen.  While I am extremely grateful that hope is not lost, I am also a complete bundle of nerves.  I won't have my 2nd Beta until Tuesday thanks to the long holiday weekend so we need to see that number quadruple.  I thought about getting some FRER pregnancy tests and testing at home but even if my number doubles in 48 hours like it should, it will still be under a 25 which is where it needs to be for the test to pick it up.  Which means it would basically be Monday before I could get a positive.  But honestly I've been getting up 2 and 3 times during the night to pee, so then I start to wonder if I'd even have enough concentration in my urine to get a positive result and honestly it's just not worth it.  I think I'll just wait it out.

So we continue to pray and think positive thoughts.  I'll take care of myself as best as I can and know that I'm doing everything to help our little one.  To all of you that have been praying for us, offered supportive texts, comments, and emails, or even just took the time to read an update - thank you so much for the support.  I'm not sure if this is it for us, but I'm going to remain hopeful until the end and trust in God's plan.

Am I or Aren't I?

Oh the two week wait.  What can I say about it that hasn't been said before?  Not much.  It's a rare form of torture for all women, but those who have invested so much - money, sweat, blood, tears (did I mention money?!) into fertility treatments there's SO much riding on those few days.  My heart breaks for those women who know this is their last cycle.  I can't imagine all of the additional emotions those circumstances drum up.  I'm so very thankful to know that we have 2 frozen embryos in the bank.  However, that doesn't stop the yearning for this cycle to be successful.  It doesn't take away the ache in my heart or the emptiness in my arms. And it certainly doesn't guarantee us a take home baby of our own.

It's amazing to me that one event (IVF) can create such a conflicting, confusing mass of emotions.  Each day I'm filled equally with excitement and hope, fear and despair, worry and peace.  But really when you think about it what other event has stakes this high?  Yes, planning a wedding can be exciting and stressful.  But the outcome is known regardless of what happens during the planning.  At the end of the allotted time, ready or not, there will be a wedding.  The same could be said for a career change or even the loss of a job.  Although stressful, if persistent you WILL eventually find another job.  It might not be your dream job, or you may have to take a pay cut but I truly believe if you try hard enough you can find employment.  Infertility doesn't care how hard you "try".  You can put tens of thousands of dollars towards treatment, have the very best doctors and labs, the very best quality embryos, but there's no guarantee.  At the end of the road the outcome is unknown and uncontrollable.  We've always been taught that if you work hard enough, want something bad enough, and never give up it will happen.  But I know in my heart I couldn't want this any more, couldn't "try" any harder, and that I've done everything in my power to succeed and still - no guarantee.

Today I am 7dp5dt.  I've had some cramping, which we all know could be good or could be bad.  My boobs are bigger and sore, but that could easily be from the progesterone.  That's about all I have going on.  According to Dr. Google implantation should be complete and HCG should start to enter the blood stream.  Every time I feel the doubt or worry overwhelming me I'm trying to stop and pray.  But right now and for the next 2 days there's absolutely no way to know what's happened to our little one.  So one's left wonder Am I or Aren't I?  I am praying with everything I have that I AM.

The Decision

So we are about 28 hours out from transfer.  I'm feeling......pretty good.  Definitely have some nerves setting in about the genetic testing but overall I'm still feeling hopeful and at peace.  The weeks leading up to this cycle I've just been praying for one normal embryo to transfer.  Based on my history there were days that seemed like a long shot.  But now with 11 embryos on Day 3 it seems like we might need to give some thought to the possibility of having more than one "normal" embryo.  Which leads to THE decision.  How many to transfer.  I'm having such mixed emotions about this.  I mean in an ideal world a set of healthy twins would be everything we have ever dreamed of.  However I've done my research and I know the increased risks of twins.  Some of my girls in this community have just recently been through some scary stuff delivering their twins.  Thankfully everything turned out okay but it definitely could have taken a turn in the wrong direction.  My other concern is my lining.  On my first follicle monitoring appointment on Monday Aug. 11th Dr. H. measured my lining at 8mm.  Which is good since they want it at least 8 or higher.  However on that Wednesday when I went back for my second ultrasound he measured it at a 7.  I questioned him about it then and he said he wasn't concerned at all.  He said that it all depends on where you measure it and with estrogen levels as high as mine he felt confident it wasn't an issue at all.  The following day during my last follicle scan he measured it at a 9.  So my fear becomes that my lining isn't that great and we transfer two and neither implants.  On transfer day it will have been a full week since my last ultrasound.  I've been on PIO injections since retrieval.  I'm hoping that my lining has only gotten thicker but with my first two transfer they didn't do a lining check the day of transfer.  Is that uncommon?

For those of you who have been there I'd love to hear your thoughts on how many to transfer and the lining issue.  I've been doing a lot of research but to me those of us living this are the true experts.  One day and counting ladies!!