The Day.

Well it's here. Transfer day. Lucky number 5. It's a gorgeous spring day here in the MidWest. You can see small signs of life creeping up everywhere. I'm hopeful that's a good omen. 

I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep a wink last night so I've had a lot of time to analyze my feelings. I think it's safe to say I'm equal parts excited and terrified. But there's also a good chunk of gratitude mixed in as well. This week I've been showered with love, prayers, and tokens from family and friends showing me how much we are loved and cared for. I'll walk into transfer today with reminders of all of the wonderful people who are rooting for us and our two little babies. I'll carry with me symbols of that love and support and will find comfort and hope. 

This morning I received a special last minute gift from a cherished friend. As I mentioned I didn't sleep at all last night so when D finally got up for work I was scrolling through blogs reading posts from your transfer days.  As always I found comfort in your words and knowing I am not alone. But something still felt "off". My friend arrived at my doorstep this morning before her work day to drop off a gift. 

 

I've been looking for a daily devotional and just haven't found one that's the right fit. Everyone's faith is so personal and unique. For me I struggle to feel a connection with "bible speak". While there is absolutely passages that speak to my heart I sometimes struggle with finding the true meaning of verses or feeling a connection. I get the most out of a service if the speaker is in front of me, and relatable. Someone who I would enjoy having a non religious conversation with.  Someone who can take the stories of the bible and place them in my life. I'm not sure I've ever expressed those thoughts to my friend but maybe she just knows me well enough to understand. 

As I was flipping through the devotional I came to a section entitled "When I'm feeling Overwhelmed". Since that seemed fitting I began flipping through the devotionals and came upon this 

This sums up exactly how I'm feeling in this moment. And I feel so much comfort and peace having this prayer. Regardless of what happens with this cycle I know that He won't leave me alone. And that even when I don't have the words He hears my prayers. He knows my heart. And He will help me face whatever comes next. 

So Transfer Day. Lucky number 5. Our last two frozen embryos. Our Hail Mary, kitchen sink cycle. Could this be it?  Could those imperfectly perfect day 5 blasts turn into the child(ren) we've been praying for. I really think it could.  

Only one way to know

I had my cycle day 9 blood work and ultrasound this morning.  I woke up feeling pretty good but the closer I got to the clinic the  more nervous I got.  They must have a big cycle this month because it was busy even right at 8am this morning and I waited a LONG time for my ultrasound.  So long in fact that when the doctor finally got into my exam room my bladder had filled up and she made me go and empty it so she could get a better image.  Envision me darting to the bathroom with the paper cover wrapped around me like a toga.  Seriously I've lost any sense of modesty I had a long time ago, so whatever.  Take 2 for the ultrasound and everything looked "perfect"  My endometrium looked "beautiful" and my lining was measuring at 8mm.  While this is obviously great news it makes me.....uncomfortable when they use words like perfect and beautiful.  Mostly I think because it raises your expectations of the chances of success.  They've used these words before and here I am on transfer #5 so obviously it's no guarantee.  But definitely better than the alternative so we'll go with it.
Tonight we start the PIO injections in addition to the estrogen I'll do tonight and Tuesday night.  Transfer is set for Wednesday and they scheduled  me in the afternoon.  I have the whole day off from work so I'm looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing before we head in.  I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Tues. evening and then Friday morning.  I'll be on bed rest the day after transfer.  And that, my friends, is the plan.

My feelings are pretty much all over the board.  I'm definitely excited and hopeful about the transfer.  But I'm also terrified.  I mentioned before that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how on earth I'm going to survive this 2ww.  It just seems unimaginable.  And of course then my head goes to how I'm going to cope if we aren't successful.  It's sounds so terrifying to me it almost makes me not want to go through with it.  But I know that I'm stronger than I think I am.  I've proved that to myself over and over again.  I know the world will not end if this transfer doesn't work.  Our journey of trying to have a baby won't even end.  It will just be extended.  Sigh.  While I'm so ready for it to be over and hopeful that this is IT, there's only one way to know.  So...Wednesday.  Let's do this.

The Decision

So we are about 28 hours out from transfer.  I'm feeling......pretty good.  Definitely have some nerves setting in about the genetic testing but overall I'm still feeling hopeful and at peace.  The weeks leading up to this cycle I've just been praying for one normal embryo to transfer.  Based on my history there were days that seemed like a long shot.  But now with 11 embryos on Day 3 it seems like we might need to give some thought to the possibility of having more than one "normal" embryo.  Which leads to THE decision.  How many to transfer.  I'm having such mixed emotions about this.  I mean in an ideal world a set of healthy twins would be everything we have ever dreamed of.  However I've done my research and I know the increased risks of twins.  Some of my girls in this community have just recently been through some scary stuff delivering their twins.  Thankfully everything turned out okay but it definitely could have taken a turn in the wrong direction.  My other concern is my lining.  On my first follicle monitoring appointment on Monday Aug. 11th Dr. H. measured my lining at 8mm.  Which is good since they want it at least 8 or higher.  However on that Wednesday when I went back for my second ultrasound he measured it at a 7.  I questioned him about it then and he said he wasn't concerned at all.  He said that it all depends on where you measure it and with estrogen levels as high as mine he felt confident it wasn't an issue at all.  The following day during my last follicle scan he measured it at a 9.  So my fear becomes that my lining isn't that great and we transfer two and neither implants.  On transfer day it will have been a full week since my last ultrasound.  I've been on PIO injections since retrieval.  I'm hoping that my lining has only gotten thicker but with my first two transfer they didn't do a lining check the day of transfer.  Is that uncommon?

For those of you who have been there I'd love to hear your thoughts on how many to transfer and the lining issue.  I've been doing a lot of research but to me those of us living this are the true experts.  One day and counting ladies!!

Day 3

I just called the clinic to check on our embabies.  The day has gone so slow and I've felt sick to my stomach for the last hour.  But the news we got is good!  Of the 14 embryos 12 were still dividing today.  One of those was a grade 3 and very fragmented so they don't think that one will make it to Day 5.  But they biopsied the remaining 11 for the genetic testing.  We are still on for a 1pm transfer on Thurs. and they will give us the results of the CGH tests then.

I am thrilled that we still have 11 viable embryos on Day 3.  That's way more than we had in our first two cycles combined which is crazy to me!  I know the genetic test are going to make or break us here but I'm feeling really good about things.  For each milestone I had a number in my head.  For retrieval it was 12 eggs....we got 21.  I was hoping 12 of those 21 would be mature eggs - 16 of them were.  For the fertilization report I was hoping for 10 embryos - we got 14.  Today I had the number 8 in my head and we well surpassed that.  Once again the "too good to be true" is creeping in  my head but I'm doing my best to block it out.  This news just gives us another reason to celebrate and believe that this cycle could be IT for us.  I'm praying day and night that's true and one of these beautiful embryos becomes the baby we've been dreaming about.

Ultrasound Update

Hey gang!  Sorry I am just getting this post written. Work has been so crazy as July and Aug are my busiest months. I had my ultrasound on Monday and things looked good. I had 19 follicles and they were all between 12 and 15mm. Last cycle I had 18 but I had a couple that were at 20mm and farther ahead than the rest. So based on that information and my estrogen levels we stimmed again last night and tonight and I'll go back for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I expect we'll have retrieval scheduled for Friday but we will see. I felt so much better after the u/s. It all just gets in my head and even though I've been feeling super bloated and heavy I started thinking it was all in my head and there was only going to be like 2 follicles there. Since we didn't up my meds just changed up a couple things I think my hope was to have the same results as last time so I'm feeling pretty good. I know several of these follicles will be empty. I know not all the eggs they do retrieve will be mature. I know not all the mature eggs will fertilize. And I know not all of the embryos will survive. Finally I know not all of the embryos that do survive will be genetically normal. That being said I am still just hoping and praying for 1 healthy embryo to transfer. I know that might sound pessimistic but this is not my first rodeo people. I know my body and my diagnosis and will honestly be thrilled and hopeful if we even have 1 to transfer. (And terribly disappointed if there's none...). 

So that's where we are. I'm feeling excited and hopeful for tomorrow's u/s. I'm ready to get this show on the road.  There's been so much positive news in our community lately. It fills me with hope and happiness but also scares me a little. We all know the stats and this can't work for everyone. So selfishly I'm wondering if it's me that's going to get the bad news. But I'm doing my best to block those nasty thoughts and stay positive. This very well could be our turn. We've earned it. (Let's be honest we all have girls). We've put in the sweat, blood, and tears. Suffered the disappointment and heartache. And although I've been down I haven't given up. And I won't no matter what. But it sure would be nice if this was our time. 

Truckin' Along

This week has been a blur of shots, pills, needles, vials, and prayers.  I'm not feeling too bad from all of the drugs.  More tired than usual and some ovary area pain (which is a hopeful sign to me that the drugs I'm pumping non stop in my body are actually working!).  Monday morning I go in for my first ultrasound to see how the follicles are developing.  This appointment always makes me so nervous as it's basically the first indication of how successful your cycle is going to be.  We'll monitor every morning next week and make adjustments to the meds based on how I'm responding.  If I follow the trend from my first 2 fresh IVF cycles we'll trigger on Wed. for a Thursday retrieval.  Or I could get pushed to Friday if I'm not responding as well.  Only time will time.  

Surprisingly I'm still feeling pretty calm about things.  I wonder if I'm just that jaded or if I'm now immune to the pressure and stress of IVF.  All I really know is I'm ready for some answers.  I'm still hopeful that at the conclusion of this cycle we'll have at least one genetically correct, healthy embryo to transfer.  Every day is one step closer to that goal.  

I wish I had more excitement or even more feeling to put into this post.  I just wanted to check in with everyone and let you know that you are all always in my thoughts and prayers.  I'm still feeling hopeful and excited.  Doing my best to push aside the doubt and worry.  I know it will probably all get more "real" next week with the daily appointments and pending retrieval.  It does fill my heart to think that at this time next week we could have little embryos growing!  At least one more chance of a baby with D's eyes and my nose.  That thought brings tears of hope and joy to my eyes.  

I'm hoping all of you have a great weekend!  I'll let you know how things go on Monday.  If you have some extra prayers we'd appreciate sending them our way. 

The Day that *Could* Change Everything

Well we did it!  One more transfer under our belt.  We were able to transfer our one little embryo that we have left.  Our fighter.  Our hope.  Our baby.

I was a complete nervous wreck the morning of transfer.  My appointment wasn't until the afternoon and I knew they were beginning the thaw that morning.  Every time my phone made a noise D and I almost threw up, certain it was the clinic calling to tell us that he didn't survive.  But our tough little guy came through again with no issues.  We woke up early on transfer day and went for a run together, then out to breakfast.  It was so nice to have some time together just the two of us.  We made the decision not to tell anyone the exact time of our transfer so we could pass along information when we were ready on our own terms (in case of bad news).  An hour before our appointment I started drinking my water and then we headed to the clinic.  We were the last appointment of the day and as soon as I got there they gave me some Valium to help with the anxiety (thank you Jesus) and I immediately asked how our little guy was doing.  They assured me that the thaw went fine and Dr. H. would be in to talk to us before transfer.  I got undressed and laid on the table with D sitting next to me.  Of course my amazing staff was in and out prepping me and getting us ready all the while easing our anxiety and showering us with love and positivity.  It was a special day at my clinic as the head of the center who is based in a different state was in town and there for my transfer.  I was a little nervous about having a new player in the mix but figured another set of eyes and expert opinion couldn't hurt.  Finally Dr. H. came in with the above picture of our little guy and explained to us that on Day 5 they want to see the cells evenly sized with a mass in the middle and they want it to be clear when they look at it through the microscope.  He said that Frosty had all of those characteristics which was good news.  He patted my knee in his fatherly way and said he'd be back shortly to begin.  D and I sat together studying the picture of the life we created (well with a whole lot of help).  A piece of him and a piece of me.  Tears stung my eyes as I prayed over the picture of our sweet little embaby and my heart filled with hope.  My nurses came in and checked my bladder to make sure it was full enough and we were good to go.  Before I knew it the room was full of people bustling around.  Jo my faithful, kind nurse was there holding the ultrasound wand on my stomach to that Dr. H could see my uterus.  She squeezed my hand and offered a reassuring smile.  Nurse Jenny - my life line, was behind Dr. H. to assist if he needed anything.  Dr. H walked in with the head doctor who introduced himself to us and shook D's hand telling us how excited he was to be present today.  As Dr. H. assumed the position they talked us through everything.  We saw the catheter come onto the ultrasound screen and heard the Embryologist in the lab open the connecting window and asked us to confirm our names and that we were transferring one Day 5 blastocyst.  D and I answered yes together and then Frosty was there in the room. Once I saw her pass the embryo through the window I immediately relaxed.  We were reunited, together again.  And regardless of if this transfer is successful the life that we had all worked so hard to create was about to be placed where it belonged - inside me.  Dr. H. walked us through the steps telling us to watch the screen.  We saw the embryo come up through the catheter and then the magical moment where they released it into my uterus.  While I wasn't as emotional as my first transfer, and not as overwhelmed as I was in my second I simply felt at peace.  This is what I had been waiting for.  Finally he was home.

The catheter was checked in the lab under the microscope to confirm that the embryo was released and they snapped this beautiful picture on the u/s machine.

The rest of the appointment was pretty uneventful.  I laid on the table for 30 min. trying not to pee everywhere and then we headed home.   I slept most of the rest of the afternoon and basically was on bed rest the next day as well.  We watched lots of Netflix and movies and just relaxed.

So...now the dreaded 2ww.  Is there anything more hard?  I hate how helpless I feel during this week.  I take my meds and do my shots and pray that this is it.  I wish there was more I could do for this child of ours that I love with all my heart.

I got to thinking on Father's Day yesterday, which was another hard day for us, that this is the 5th embryo we've transferred.  It seems so....unfair that we've lost 4 of our babies already.  I know there's many people in the world that will argue with me but each of those embryos we implanted was a baby to me.  A piece of myself and the man that I love.  A chance.  A hope.  At this point of our infertility journey it's all I have and I cherish them all.  I hope this last one, our fighter, our tough little one is strong enough to continue to fight.  I pray that 9 months from now I can hold him or her in my arms and my tears will finally be tears of joy and gratitude.

Pain in the......

I'm going to take a moment to vent and be a whinny IVF patient.  I try so hard not to complain about this process that is giving me a chance to have a baby of my own when nature most likely wouldn't let that happen.  I feel bad complaining and being ungrateful for medicine and science that gives us a fighting chance.  And I know that FET cycles are not as intense as fresh IVF cycles.  I know all of this.  But some days you just gotta bitch.

My FET protocol was Lupron for supression with E2V (delestrogen) IM (inter muscular) injections every third day.  Now that we are getting closer to transfer I've started the dreaded PIO (progesterone in oil) shots and we've increased the E2V.  I'm doing 2cc's (100mg) of PIO every night.  This.  Is.  A.  Lot.  More than I've ever done in the past.  In addition I'm doing .4ml's of E2V every third night.  Last night was a night I had to do both IM shots.  I'm not proud to say I didn't handle this well and basically cried through the whole thing.  My bottom hurts when I walk, hurts when I sit, hurts when simply standing.  In addition I've been battling a non stop headache since this weekend.  Please, don't get me wrong.  If it meant I get a baby I would do both shots every day for the rest of my life.  But man, is it hard sometimes.

Ok so that's enough of the whining and complaining.  That being said we are one day closer to transfer.  We are getting there - making progress.  And as my best friend told me this morning every shot is one step closer to transfer and giving Frosty a home.  I pray so hard that this works.  That this will be it for us.  However the road to bringing home a healthy baby is long and full of potholes.  I will be SO SO grateful IF we get a positive beta.  But I will be plagued with worry and fear waiting to see it increase.  I know I won't be able to stop thinking about what happened last time.  I can't even picture myself going in for the first ultrasound after experiencing it last time with no heartbeat.  The fear is like a living, breathing thing inside me.  Then I begin to play out "which is worse".  Is it worse to get a negative beta from the get go?  Or to become pregnant only to miscarry.  I'm not sure there's a right answer there.  Both are terrible, horrible.  I don't want to go through either option.  I just want to get pregnant and stay pregnant and 9 months later bring home a healthy baby.  Which sometimes feels completely impossible.

But thanks to my support system I have faith.  I have people who are praying for us and helping me to be positive even when I feel hopeless.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I know it only takes one.  I have spent this week obsessing over some of your blogs where you transferred just 1 embryo and either have your sweet child home with you or are well in to your 2nd or 3rd trimester.  I envision that being us.  I hope.  I pray.  I do these stupid shots and take all of the meds and know that ultimately this is all in God's hands.  I trust in his plan for us even when I don't understand it.  I have FAITH.

Check!

Does anyone else sometimes feel like this journey is full of small boxes that you check off?  It seems that's how I picture things whenever I start a new cycle. So much has to go right before you even get to transfer.  Some of them are small steps and some larger but they all have to be completed and you have to "pass" to continue to move forward.  On Friday I had my blood work to check my hormone levels and my U/S to check my lining.  I was nervous because I've been having some strong period like cramps since the scratch and was nervous my lining wasn't going to be good.  It came in at a 10 which they said was great so that was a relief.  One more box checked.  I'm continuing with the delestrogen shots every third day and my dose has increased slightly.  In addition last night I started the PIO shots.  I really did not miss those.  Even the E2V that I've been doing that is an IM shot in the butt isn't as bad as the PIO since it's not as thick or as much.  But it's all part of the process and obviously worth it in the end.  

So as we inch closer to transfer I've been battling a lot of fears.  The biggest one is how our little "Frosty" will thaw.  This is my first FET and technically IVF try #3 for us.  We've done two fresh cycles and had poor results with both.  We only had 1 embryo to transfer the first time and I got a negative beta.  The second cycle we had 4 embryos.  1 which was pretty poor quality due to fragmentation so we transferred it along with 2 others that were fairly good quality.  I did receive positive betas that continued to climb but at the 7 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and it showed development had stopped most likely around 6 weeks.  The 1 embryo that we froze from our 2nd fresh cycle was actually at 12 cells at day 3.  Which is further along than they are supposed to be.  Our embryologist explained that could be a good thing or a bad thing.  Sometime when embryos are ahead they just continue to divide too many times until they arrest.  This little guy held on and made to a 5 day blastocyt.  We've only transferred Day 3 embryos in the past so this is another new thing for us that does bring me some hope.  

I've been extra emotional the last week as we draw closer to transfer.  I think it's just because so much is riding on this try.  It's our very last embryo so if this cycle fails we have a lot of hard decisions ahead of us.  Not to mention more waiting and more money.  I'm just so ready for this to be over. The hardest part for me is the unknown.  If someone told me that I'd have to do X amount of IVF cycles but in 2 years we'd have a baby I could put my nose to the grindstone and pound it out.  Would the physical and emotional pain still be hard to bear?  Of course - but knowing the end result was coming would give me the strength to push through.  Obviously I don't have that luxury and it's so hard to continue to fight this battle when you have no idea if you'll ever come through the other side.  

I got hit really hard this week by a pregnancy announcement on FB.  A high school girlfriend of mine that got married in February announced she is pregnant and due in Dec.  Which basically means they tried for like one month.  The fact that we are the same age (33 very quickly approaching 34) seemed to make it extra hard for me.  Of course I'm happy for her but once again I'm sad for me.  I can't help but wonder when our time will be and if it's ever coming.  I pray that it's this cycle.  I try to focus on having positive thoughts and faith that this is it for us.  The start of our family and a healthy pregnancy that will bring us a take home baby.  But with all the odds stacked against us it's hard not to worry about if this cycle fails and where we go next. However I'm going to put all those negative thoughts aside and just work on checking off my boxes.   

Scratch

It's been a crazy week for me, as I've been traveling for work but I wanted to send out a quick update as I'm feeling pretty anxious this morning.  I had my "scratch" on Monday morning.  It was as unpleasant as it sounds.  Basically Dr. H took a catheter and shoved it up into my uterine lining and took a chunk out of a specific spot.  He then felt the need to show me the blood and tissue he removed - could have done without that!  But the point of the procedure is that when we go to transfer Frosty he'll be able to see the spot where he took the tissue and will aim to deposit him/her right into that little indentation which will hopefully help Frosty implant and burrow in  Fingers crossed.

I go in tomorrow for an U/S to check and see how my lining is looking.  The only thing I've been taking to help with it is IM injections of estrodel every three days.  It doesn't seem like much.  I thought I would be on suppositories as well but I'm not.  Hopefully my lining is looking good and we can continue moving forward.

Although my blog is anonymous there are family and friends that I've shared the URL with.  Because of that I won't be posting my exact transfer or beta dates.  When I miscarried in March everyone who knew that we were pregnant and also knows me in real life, knew the date and time of the 7 weeks ultrasound.  I feel so blessed to have so many people who love us, support us, and are cheering us on.  However when we got the bad news I was obviously hit pretty hard and all of the calls and text messages just overwhelmed me even more.  I think it would have been easier if I could have had time to process the news and then informed people when I was more settled.  So that's my game plan moving forward with this transfer.

I hope no one feels like I"m trying to shut them out or that I don't appreciate each and every one of you who follows this blogs, sends positive thoughts and prayers, or reaches out to me to tell me that they are thinking of me.  IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!  I'm so grateful for all of my amazing friends and family and it's what gives me the strength to keep trying.  So from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much.  As for the wonderful people that I've never met but have connected with through this amazing community your ability to understand exactly what we are going through has been a light in the darkest tunnel for me.  Feeling like we aren't alone on this journey has made it more bearable.  I appreciate all of you so much!

How Do We Heal?

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while.  I just haven't had much to say.  It's been almost 2 weeks since the ultrasound that crushed our dream.  I survived the bleeding and it actually wasn't too bad.  Which isn't surprising since it looks like we lost the baby around 6 weeks.  But considering the emotional pain I was am in it felt like it should have been more of an event.  Slowly my thoughts and focus have started to move away from the baby and miscarriage to other aspects of life.  Last night was the first night I didn't cry myself to sleep, which seems like a big milestone.  I've found my motivation to try and get rid of the 10lbs I've gained from 2 back to back IVF cycles.  I laughed for the first time in what felt like forever on Friday when I shared an ice cream cone with my silly dog and she was so excited (yes I'm that person who shares food with their dog - don't judge.  She's the only baby I have).  Life is slowly getting back to normal.  And when I think about that it brings fresh tears to my eyes.  I don't want my life to go back to normal.  To what I've always known.  I WANT to be pregnant.  I want to be experiencing changes and feelings I've never had.  To be planning for a future that includes a baby.

Instead I find myself trying to heal from what has been the most painful experience of my 33 years.  And I have absolutely no idea how to do that.  The grief and sadness is always there.  Sometimes I can push it away and other times there's no controlling it.  I've noticed that when I think about us having a child my mindset has switched from "when" to "if".  This thought makes my broken heart feel as if it will never be whole again.  And while I'm not ready to give up on us having a family (which is the only dream I've ever really had) I just can't shake the feelings of hopelessness.

Which leads me to our next steps.  We had our WTF meeting with Dr. H which was SO hard.  While it was nice to see the wonderful staff at my clinic it was hard to go back to where our world came crashing down.  But these people have been with us every step of this journey and they are so caring and compassionate.  I am grateful for every one of them, as they have truly made this difficult battle a little easier on both of us.  Dr. H didn't have a whole lot of insight for us.  As he put it, everything that we can control went right and we were successful with getting me pregnant.  He explained that this in itself was a victory since so many women have problems even getting pregnant.  Now our mission becomes keeping me pregnant.  He thinks the miscarriage happened because the embryo that implanted was not chromologically (is that a word?) healthy.  He explained that at Day 3 even embryos who look perfect still have a high percentage of arresting.  However, for those embryos that make it to Day 5 almost 90% of them are genetically normal or healthy.  That being said his recommendation was for us to move forward and transfer our 1 Day 5 grade 2 embryo that we froze.  I know you hear mixed messages about the success rates of frozen vs. fresh.  Dr. H said that their success rate with frozen transfers is higher since my clinic only freezes Day 5 embryos.  Based on the fact that our 1 embryo made it to Day 5, and that one of it's "siblings" implanted, he thinks our success rate for a FET would be between 60 and 70 percent.  D and I both have our doubts about transferring just 1 embryo since we transferred 3 and we are right back where we started.  But Dr. H addressed these concerns by saying that transfer DID work.  And this embryo is much further along and we know a lot more about it than the 3 we transferred last cycle.  When you factor in that a FET runs us around $3K (vs. $15K for fresh IVF) it seems like the right thing to do to transfer this one and hope it works.

So right now we are back to waiting.  How I hate the waiting.  I need to have a period and then we start me back on birth control while we wait for cycle to start.  The FET protocol is pretty easy.  I'll take Lupron injections to keep me from ovulating and then I'll do E2V estrogen injections every other day leading up to the transfer.  Once my estrogen levels and lining are where they need to be we'll do the transfer.  Then it will be the standard PIO injections and estrogen/progesterone suppositories until we get the beta results. Sounds like a walk in the park compared to my last round of IVF.  Unless something strange happens and my period comes early it doesn't look like we will make May cycle so we are most likely looking at June.  And honestly I'm okay with that.  I know I need time to try and heal and to grieve.  And as I mentioned earlier if I can get some of this weight off I think I will feel a little bit more like myself.  As far as the hope I have for the FET it's running pretty low right now. I know it only takes one but after all we've been through it's hard not to focus on the fact that we are running out of time, money, and options.  Which puts a lot of pressure on this lonely little frozen baby.  I pray that it's God's plan for us that this is it.  I pray that He can provide me some peace and some hope.  I pray for a miracle.

1dp3dt

One Day Past Three Day Transfer

Happy Monday!  I'm spending this COLD Midwestern Monday on the couch with my bestie. 

My clinic recommends bed rest for 24 hours so technically mine is done around 10am this morning. But I took the whole day off and just plan on taking it easy. My parents and my best friend are both stopping by to keep me company so hopefully that will help the day go fast and be good distractions. I've spent the majority of my morning on Dr. Google. I know, I know. It's a sick addiction. I've also been going back through all my blogger friends transfer posts to see how many and what grade embryos they transferred. I realize this is counter productive but I can't seem to help myself. It will definitely be good to get back to work and in my routine. 

I also realized I didn't post pictures yesterday. So here are the beautiful pictures of our babies :) 

I know our embryos weren't perfect but they look absolutely perfect to me! I'm completely in love with each of them and  I'm praying so hard for them every day.  Grow babies grow !

Going for the "Gold"

I titled this blog post in the spirit of the Winter Olympics that D is currently obsessed with. I don't think we've watched anything else since they started. I'm secretly looking forward to being home alone tomorrow on modified bedrest and watching hours of HGTV. 

So after the phone call from the clinic this morning we headed in for transfer basically blind. We had no idea how many embryos we had left or their quality. The embryologist came in to see us as soon as we were settled in the room. As soon as she sat down she told us that we were in a much better situation than last time. Out of our 6 that fertilized normally we had 1 3 cell and 1 4 cell. On day 3 they should be between 7-10 cells. So those were more than a day behind and they would let them go to day 6 but felt pretty strongly they wouldn't catch up. Then we had a 12 cell embryo. She explained that this one was pretty "fast" and often times when they are that far ahead they can't "turn off" the dividing. Once again they will continue to monitor it but the odds aren't good. So that left us with 3. We had 2 7 cell embryos and 1 9 cell.  The 9 cell was our best one and had very very little fragmentation. One of the 7 cells also looked good with only a little fragmentation. The other 7 cell was graded a 3 which means it had more than 25% fragmentation which greatly decreases the chances of implantation. Based on this information they recommended we transfer all three. 

Honestly I was shocked at this suggestion. During our consult they made it really clear that it's very rare for them to transfer more than 2. We talked about how the embryos are thought to do better in groups. The embryologist basically explained it that the embryos "talk" to the uterus telling it that they are there so it can respond accordingly. So even if #3 isn't a strong contender it *could* be healthy enough to still "talk" to my uterus and help the other 2. 

D and I took a couple minutes to talk things over but we were on the same page. We understood that the chance of all 3 implanting was very very slim and instead of just letting that 1 die we felt better about using it to help its "siblings". If by some crazy miracle all three implant than we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I trust in Gods plan and am putting my faith in him. 

So all that being said the transfer itself went well. They said the embryos were placed right where they wanted them. So now we wait. My first Beta is scheduled for Feb 19th and my second for the 21st. Obviously this feels like forever. You know the drill. 

I'm trying not to think about the fact that we won't have any embryos to freeze. I'm not even going to let myself go there right now. I'm choosing to think we have none to freeze because this is going to work for us. (Please God). 

So my day on the couch continues. I'm trying to talk D into taking a break from the Olympics and watching a movie.  Is anyone else super confused by some of these events? (We just finished watching the one where they are skiing and then stop and shoot guns?!  What?) 

Thinking sticky thoughts and saying lots of prayers for our babies. To quote my girl Kasey I'm PUPO - Pregnant UNLESS Proven Otherwise. Positivity people :)

Transfer Update

Well the clinic just called and said we are on for transfer today (Day 3). Which means we have less than 5 embryos left. Sigh. I knew statistically that the chances of all 6 making it were slim but you can't help but hope. The nurse didn't have any information on how many embryos remain or their quality. They will tell us that when we get there. So even though I'm feeling terrified and sick to my stomach I'm praying so hard that there are 4 good quality embryos still growing and dividing. I'm trying not to think about (and mourn) the 2 that we lost. I know they weren't meant to be. But they were me and D and it's still feels like a loss. 

So this is when I need to take a minute and pull it together. Give those doubts and fears to God and focus on being positive that this IS our time and WILL work for us. All we need is one and hope is never lost. 

If you have some extra prayers for our embabies please send them our way. I'll update after transfer. Thanks you for your love and support. 

Holding on to Hope

It's been a rough couple of days as we've suffered some disappointments.  We had our retrieval on Thursday.  My ultrasound on Tuesday showed 10 follicles so I was hopeful for 10 eggs.  We arrived at the clinic for retrieval and as usual everyone was so great.  They took me back to the exam room and I changed into my gown and Nurse Jenny came in to explain the process and take my vitals and hook up the IV.  I met with the anesthesiologist and he explained that process.  As we waited on the doctor all of the staff stopped in to talk with us and say hello.  I really think we are their favorite patients :)  Then they called D to go do his part so we said goodbye.  Jenny stayed with me until it was time to take me to the OR.  Once we got in there everything happened pretty quick.  They injected the anesthesia into my IV and Jenny got me into position.  I remember telling her that I was already feeling foggy and then that's all I remember.  The next thing I knew I was waking up.  For whatever reason I was crying and asking for D.  They brought him back right away and then we waited for a few minutes until one of the nurses came in and told us they got 8 eggs.  I was a little disappointed but it was in line with my expectations so I felt good about it.  We were then sent home to wait until they called us on Friday with the fertilization report.  I didn't feel too bad leaving the clinic but was surprised at the amount of pain I was in Thurs. and Friday.  I took it easy and just kind of laid around all day.  We finally got the call around 1:30 on Friday and the news was very hard to swallow.  Out of the 8 eggs only 5 were mature.  And out of those only 1 fertilized normally.  Only 1.  I was so hoping to be able to transfer two and even have 1 or 2 to freeze.  That means if this doesn't work we have to start all over from square one.  Which is a devastating thought after everything we've been through the last 6 months.

I had myself a good cry and then decided that I wasn't going to give up on the 1 embryo we do have left.  I spent all of Friday and Sat. in a complete panic waiting for the clinic to call and tell me that the embryo had stopped dividing and growing and we were done.  Several times on Sat. I went to call the clinic to check but I was paralyzed with fear.  I finally determined that no news was good news and just chose to live in denial.  We were tentatively scheduled for transfer at 11:30 on Sunday (today).  This morning my phone rang and it was the clinic and my heart dropped.  However they informed me that they were bumping us up to 10:45am and we are on for the transfer!  I'm almost afraid to let the hope in that this might work but I know I have to be positive and have faith in our one little embryo that we have left.  I know all it takes is one.  I asked the nurse if it was still doing okay and she said that it must be if they are moving ahead with the transfer and we'll find out more from the doctor when we get there.

So here we are.  I am a hot mess of emotions......hope, joy, fear.  I know this is out of my control and all I can do is give everything I can to this one embryo with the hope that it is THE ONE.  Please keep D and I and our little one in your prayers.