Reassurance

Things are creeping along ever so slowly in this FET cycle.  I have my baseline E2 blood test tomorrow and then start the E2V IM shots on Friday.  This will be my 5th transfer but only my second FET.  It's so odd to be in cycle but have it be so low key.

For me this is what my dear friend Amanda calls "the kitchen sink" transfer.  I'm throwing everything I've got at this.  I've been going to acupuncture (even though I hate it), I'm taking the thyroid meds, and I gave up alcohol and caffeine and have been eating clean (pretty strictly) since the beginning of February.  My motto for this cycle is basically if it can't hurt and there's a chance it could help - Go For It.  That being said I wanted to get your thoughts and opinions on some of the old wives tales we hear related to transfer, implantation, etc.  I decided that with the "kitchen sink" transfer maybe I'd do some research into some of these.  I think the most common one we've all heard is the pineapple core after transfer.  I know "they" say it's supposed to help with implantation but I never knew why.  Turns out pineapple, especially the core, contains bromelain which is known to reduce inflammation in the body, including the uterus, and is also a mild blood thinner.  Both of which can be helpful with implantation.  So sticking to my motto this seems like an easy win for me.

Next on the list is Omega 3 Fish Oil.  This supplement is said to help the "quality" of blood in the uterus?  Then there's L Arginine and Zinc.  All I could find on these is that they are supposed to prevent miscarriage and promote implantation.  My prescription prenatal vitamin already contains 15 mg of zinc so I think I'm covered there.   I am curious on if anyone has taken the L Arginine though.

The last one is the Brazil Nuts.  This is another one I had heard about but didn't know the reasoning behind.  Come to find out Brazil Nuts are a good source of Selenium which, once again, prevents miscarriages and promotes implantation.

I'm not naive enough to think that any of these things is the "missing link" to why I've yet to become pregnant and stay pregnant.  But I am curious on what, if any, of these you girls tried and your thoughts and feelings on them.

On a side note I got a very interesting call yesterday that left me with mixed emotions.  It was from CCRM.  You guys know that if this transfer doesn't work our back up plan is CCRM.  We've already sent all our records over and had a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.  I've kept them up-to-date with what's happened the last 5 months (hysteroscopy, Lupron Depot injections, FET scheduled for March).  But I haven't had any communication with them since probably late November.  I got a call yesterday from a Denver phone number and when I answered the phone a wonderful nurse by the name of Katherine was on the other line (any CCRM girls know her?!).  She simply stated they were reaching out because they had it in my file that I was getting ready for my FET and they wanted to wish us luck and see if we had any questions they could help with.  She told me that she hopes not to hear from me but that they are there if we need them.  I was pretty impressed and the call definitely made me feel like more than just a number to them.  And while it felt very reassuring to know that we have a great plan in place and are ready to move forward right away if need be, it also made me second guess my certainty about the potential success of this upcoming cycle.  I've been working so hard at being positive and truly believing that this is going to work.  I'm not sure how much I really believe in the power of positive thinking, but once again, it can't hurt.  And receiving that very nice phone call had me questioning if that was God's way of preparing me for another failure.  Obviously I'm probably reading WAY too far into things and should just stick with the initial feelings of reassurance from the phone call.  But you girls know better than anyone what a cluster f*ck your mind becomes with all the hormones, emotions, hope, and fears.

So that's where I'm at.  I feel like this post was a jumbled up mess but since that's kind of how I'm feeling I guess it's fitting.

Protecting my Heart

As we inch closer and closer to March I'm slowly allowing myself to start focusing on TTC again.  For the last few months I've done a decent job of avoiding it.  I'm sure you all know that the thoughts/fear/worries/sadness is always there, in the back of your mind.  But since we've been on a holding pattern as we waited to see if the Lupron Depot would do it's job I've been trying semi-successfully to put it on the back burner.  I've been focusing on work, the holidays, our mini-vacation, family and friends.  Anything so I didn't have to think about the fact that another year of trying was passing.  That March is my last chance to get pregnant and have a baby in this brand new year.  That every day it seems like someone else I know is announcing they are expecting.  That people who started trying more than a year AFTER us are holding their babies today.

But lately I've started to open up just a little bit more.  It's small things - like talking to D about a new  potential baby name that I heard and liked.  Or a conversation about how I hope our child will have his eyes.  It's not that we don't talk about our struggle.  But over the past few months we've made a conscious effort not to focus on what we don't have.  And to try and not let the sadness consume us.  Which means we've tried to talk about other things than babies.

As we've had several baby conversations over the last week or so the inner struggle begins.  While I want to be positive and hopeful, I also feel a need to protect my heart.  I don't think it's being negative to think about the fact that this upcoming transfer might not work.  I think after all we've been through and learned it's realistic.  And while I'm comforted with having a back up plan (CCRM) it still won't take away the pain from another failed cycle.  Another set of our babies gone before they even had a chance.  So as fun and exciting as it is to talk about baby names, nursery ideas, and what it will be like/feel like to finally be parents, there's still a wariness that I can't shake.  I know it's fear of my heart being broken again.  But I also know that having a positive mindset going into this transfer will only help our chances of success.  So I guess the question I have for my veteran girls today is....

Where is the line between positivity and realism?  How did you or do you protect your heart when the outcome is unknown?

A positive sign

No, not THE positive sign (as in a positive pregnancy test) but a step in right direction.  I had my follow up appointment today from my second month of the Lupron Depo shot.  I think I mentioned that we recently got a new RE at my clinic.  I met her just briefly during my followup hysteroscopy after the 1 month of Lupron Depo and it was her call to have me go another month.  So it wasn't exactly a great first impression.  However this time it went much better.  We only did an ultrasound but she explained to me on the screen what they were looking for.  She said the inflammation would cause shading or darkening which she wasn't seeing any.  My lining was at a 6 which she said was good for being suppressed (I believe it was at a 9 last time).  There were some other things she pointed out that kind of went over my head but her exact words were "You uterus actually looks really good!".  I will take that.  She put me right back on birth control pills to keep me suppressed until I start my FET protocol which will be in Feb.  We are looking at a transfer the second week in March.

I feel so relieved that the injections did their job and we can move forward.  My friend told me the other day that from our conversations she felt like I'd already written off the March transfer.  After some reflection she may have been right.  I think I was just trying to prepare myself for another delay or even worse news.  And while I do have CCRM all squared away and we are ready to move forward with them if this transfer doesn't work, I am beginning to have some hope for this last shot.  I have two pretty highly graded day 5 embryos left.  I also got the okay to transfer both.  My former RE was not on board with transferring more than one since we did have genetic testing done and that supposedly increased our chance of success significantly.  Well, after talking with Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM and learning that the genetic testing we did has the potential to damage the embryos I feel strongly about transferring both.  Even if by some miracle both implant D and I feel fully ready to happily take on a twin pregnancy.  I've talked to several of you who have experienced them and feel prepared.  It just feels like the right decision.  If this transfer doesn't work out then I am emotionally, financially, and physically ready to move on to CCRM.  (Please God let that not be necessary).

So that's a quick update.  On a random side note I'm not sure I've shared here that my nurse at the clinic completed her first cycle of IVF in Oct.  She's currently 14 weeks pregnant.   Her husband actually had a blockage so their issue was with him.  They were able to go in and extract the sperm for the embryos and she got pregnant on the first cycle.  I'll be honest when I found out I was a little bitter.  One and done - can you imagine?  But once I had a few minutes to think about it my bitterness went away.  I was still sad for US but happy for her.  No matter what your fertility treatment or how quickly you find success this is a hardship I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I asked her how it was going breaking the news to her other patients and she said not well at all.  I would imagine it to be a very difficult conversation to have but considering she's already started showing (she was very thin before) not really something she can ignore.

Anyway just wanted to send out a happy update!  It feels like a long time since I've had any personal good news to share.

Are you there?

This morning as I kissed my husband goodbye I told him that I loved him and if Frosty was still in there he loved him too.  This 2ww is passing - we are over the halfway mark - and I guess I'm surviving.  I haven't been in the best of moods but I don't feel like I've given up hope either.  All I really feel like is a crazy person.  On one hand I have what I think of as "hopeful" symptoms and on the other it seems the symptoms I do have could just be chalked up to the drugs and what I'm lacking is a tell tale sign that this transfer was not successful.  All of the over-thinking, analyzing, and ups and downs are enough to drive the most stable person crazy.  But I'm holding on.

I definitely had some cramping during the implantation time - but no implantation bleeding (I did notice this with my last transfer that ended in an early miscarriage).  I now have more of what I'd call a "heavy" feeling in my lower pelvic area.  I'm having some lower back pain and just yesterday I felt like I got lightheaded and/or nauseous a couple times.  However the thing that's really throwing me off is my boobs are not sore whatsoever.  Which is crazy considering the amount of progesterone I'm on, and seems like a dead giveaway to me that this did not work.  Yesterday I did feel like *maybe* my nipples were a little more sensitive but honestly all of this could just be straight up in my head.

For those of you who have been through this I know you understand what a complete mind f*ck this all is (Sorry for the language Mom).  By Beta time I am just ready to KNOW, even if the news is bad.  I can't stand the waiting and wondering any longer.  Just a few more days.  I've been thinking about testing at home just so I can be more prepared.  As of right now my plan is to test at home the morning before beta.  I mean the worse that can happen is I'm bummed out and it turns out to be positive which would be the best news ever.  Right now I"m totally in the zone where some people get positives and some get negatives only to get a positive HPT within the next couple days.  I really don't need to add to my insanity so I'm staying away from that.

So to quote my friend Amanda - Ever Onward.  One way or another we'll have some answers in a few days.  If you are in there little one I hope you can feel how much we love you, how badly we want this.  I'm praying for you every day and you are in my mind and heart.

All Your Eggs In One Basket

Someone mentioned the saying "Don't Put All Your Eggs In One Basket" today.  I accidentally snorted out loud.  I don't think any other phrase could better describe what we do with IVF.  I'm definitely feeling today that all my eggs are in 1 basket - that being the lab at my clinic.

We got the fertilization report today.  Out of our 12 eggs, 10 were mature, and 6 have currently fertilized normally.  Compared to the 1 we had left at this point last time that is a huge win.  They have tentatively set us up for a Day 3 transfer which would be Sunday morning.  They will check on the embryos again that morning and if 5 or 6 are still developing as they should be they will push us to Day 5 (Tuesday).  The statistics and odds are against that happening, but I am praying so hard for all 6 of our embryos.  And I'm so grateful for the improved results that we've seen this cycle so far!  I trust that God is watching over our little embabies and have faith that he will take care of them.  I can tell you that my load has been much lighter this cycle by making the conscience effort to turn my worries and fear over to Him.  Every time I start to to feel overwhelmed by all of the bad things that *could* happen I have stopped and given it all to Him.  For that relief alone I am so grateful.

One more milestone down.  Now it's praying praying praying that our babies are growing strong and getting ready for this next step.