So close but so far away.....

It's only been 4 and a half months since we learned that having a baby wasn't going to be an easy road for us.  I know in the big scheme of things that is such a short amount of time but I can honestly tell you it's been the longest 4 months of my life.  As I've learned first hand and through the blog world, the waiting is one of the hardest parts about this struggle.  I feel like all I've done since this started was wait.  Wait for appointment dates, wait on test results, wait on insurance claims, wait on med orders, etc.etc.  And now just a little over a week away from what I consider the official start of our IVF cycle (which in my mind is the day I start Lupron injections) I find my patience running thin and my fear escalating.  I'm so fortunate not only to have an amazing husband who is so supportive but our families and closest friends have been great as well.  Everyone is so positive and I know their prayers and good thoughts are medicine for my soul.  But I can't help but hold on to the fear of what is to come.  I have learned through this community that there are SO many things that have to go right to even get to retrieval.  And if I am fortunate enough to make it to retrieval I'm so nervous about the outcome.  Will my body respond to the stimulation meds?  Will there even be eggs there to retrieve?  If so, will they be of good quality?  There's so many unanswered questions and while on one hand I am SO excited to get started on this journey that will hopefully lead to the start of our family, I'm also sort of afraid.  No matter what the outcome of this cycle we'll be changed forever.  Whether that change is the blessing of a baby or the grief of failure I know my heart will never be the same.  And if this cycle does fail, as so many do, I know that I'll never get back the same blind hope that I have now.  So I guess while I wait I will live in the present and try to focus on the positive and excitement I have for this cycle.  And the hope of us being one of the lucky ones that this works for the first time.  So the question becomes.....Can the light really chase away your fears?  Only time will tell.