Check!

Does anyone else sometimes feel like this journey is full of small boxes that you check off?  It seems that's how I picture things whenever I start a new cycle. So much has to go right before you even get to transfer.  Some of them are small steps and some larger but they all have to be completed and you have to "pass" to continue to move forward.  On Friday I had my blood work to check my hormone levels and my U/S to check my lining.  I was nervous because I've been having some strong period like cramps since the scratch and was nervous my lining wasn't going to be good.  It came in at a 10 which they said was great so that was a relief.  One more box checked.  I'm continuing with the delestrogen shots every third day and my dose has increased slightly.  In addition last night I started the PIO shots.  I really did not miss those.  Even the E2V that I've been doing that is an IM shot in the butt isn't as bad as the PIO since it's not as thick or as much.  But it's all part of the process and obviously worth it in the end.  

So as we inch closer to transfer I've been battling a lot of fears.  The biggest one is how our little "Frosty" will thaw.  This is my first FET and technically IVF try #3 for us.  We've done two fresh cycles and had poor results with both.  We only had 1 embryo to transfer the first time and I got a negative beta.  The second cycle we had 4 embryos.  1 which was pretty poor quality due to fragmentation so we transferred it along with 2 others that were fairly good quality.  I did receive positive betas that continued to climb but at the 7 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat and it showed development had stopped most likely around 6 weeks.  The 1 embryo that we froze from our 2nd fresh cycle was actually at 12 cells at day 3.  Which is further along than they are supposed to be.  Our embryologist explained that could be a good thing or a bad thing.  Sometime when embryos are ahead they just continue to divide too many times until they arrest.  This little guy held on and made to a 5 day blastocyt.  We've only transferred Day 3 embryos in the past so this is another new thing for us that does bring me some hope.  

I've been extra emotional the last week as we draw closer to transfer.  I think it's just because so much is riding on this try.  It's our very last embryo so if this cycle fails we have a lot of hard decisions ahead of us.  Not to mention more waiting and more money.  I'm just so ready for this to be over. The hardest part for me is the unknown.  If someone told me that I'd have to do X amount of IVF cycles but in 2 years we'd have a baby I could put my nose to the grindstone and pound it out.  Would the physical and emotional pain still be hard to bear?  Of course - but knowing the end result was coming would give me the strength to push through.  Obviously I don't have that luxury and it's so hard to continue to fight this battle when you have no idea if you'll ever come through the other side.  

I got hit really hard this week by a pregnancy announcement on FB.  A high school girlfriend of mine that got married in February announced she is pregnant and due in Dec.  Which basically means they tried for like one month.  The fact that we are the same age (33 very quickly approaching 34) seemed to make it extra hard for me.  Of course I'm happy for her but once again I'm sad for me.  I can't help but wonder when our time will be and if it's ever coming.  I pray that it's this cycle.  I try to focus on having positive thoughts and faith that this is it for us.  The start of our family and a healthy pregnancy that will bring us a take home baby.  But with all the odds stacked against us it's hard not to worry about if this cycle fails and where we go next. However I'm going to put all those negative thoughts aside and just work on checking off my boxes.