The Devil Drug

I'm officially renaming Menopur "The Devil Drug".  I love how the instructions my clinic provides state "There could be mild stinging when injecting".  Mild my a$$.  It should tell you that it feels as if you are pumping fire directly into your stomach.  Seriously I can't believe I'm saying this but I think I'd rather do PIO shots over the Menopur any day.  Of course if it's actually working and doing what it's meant to then it's all totally worth it.  But that doesn't mean that it's not the still The Devil Drug.

So it's day 5 of stimming for me.  On Monday I'll go in for my ultrasound and see how things are progressing.  I'm hopeful for more follicles than we had last time since we are on a more aggressive protocol, but I think I'm mentally prepared to also have the same amount as before.  If it's less than our first cycle I'm sure there will be a total breakdown right on the table, but we won't think about that now.  As I feel worse and worse every day with the bloating and just being generally uncomfortable due to the drugs my emotional state seems to improve.  I am getting more hopeful and positive about this cycle and the possibility of it actually working.  I was so disappointed after our first round and I know due my diagnosis that I'll never be one of those girls who gets a million eggs.  But I'm hopeful that we can eek out a few more and have a couple more be mature and a couple more fertilize normally.  I've been focusing on having 2 quality embryos to transfer and hopeful to have 2 to freeze.  I would be unbelievably thankful for those kind of results and I"m hoping they are realistic.  Once again only time will tell.

Being a crazy type A control freak it's very hard for me not to look forward past this cycle if it doesn't work.  There are a couple of paths we are considering, all depending on the results of this "more aggressive" protocol.  We have discussed what I've learned about CCRM through the blog world.  It seems to be the general consensus that this is the best fertility clinic in the country.  I think if we were to try again we would look into going there.  However if our results are as poor as our first cycle I feel as if it could be time to look into donor eggs.  D was surprised that I was considering that.  And while it would be a very hard and I would definitely mourn the loss of having a biological connection to our child, I do think that I am the right type of person for that situation.  It's not for everyone but it definitely could be for me.

Obviously we can't make any decisions until we get through this cycle so I'm definitely trying to focus on where we are now and have positive successful thoughts.  And while there's a big part of me that's completely terrified, there's another part that is hopeful and has faith and is ready for whatever the next week brings.